Does a woman need to be high-drive to have a long-term happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m clueless about having a high drive relative to others because I never discuss it with my friends. We’ve been married 33 years and we have sex at least once a week and I really look forward to it. My husband doesn’t nag me about doing it more because when we do have sex I really get into it. If one of us had no drive that would be a problem. I guess if you are compatible that’s a very good thing.

Married the sane length of time and my husband could not settle for once a week. We are in our mid 50s and minimum he needs 2-3 times per week—but frankly wants it every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a formally high drive wife. My husband has always been a high drive male. I still approach him for sex as if I were a high drive. My attitude is fake it till you make it. I found if I approach him we have a great time he enjoys it because he feels handsome and sexy and I know it makes him happy. I know sex is important to him so I continue to have sex couple times a week. Even though if I had my druthers, I'd be happy to decrease it to once a month or once every two months. He has no idea that my sex drive has decreased to such a level because then he wouldn't enjoy it as much with me.

I'm a formerly high drive wife and I don't pretend otherwise and I have a happy marriage. YMMV.

+1. There is no way I can “fake it” that much. It makes me feel terrible to have sex when I don’t want to, and it makes me resent my DH, even though he wouldn’t pressure me about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a formally high drive wife. My husband has always been a high drive male. I still approach him for sex as if I were a high drive. My attitude is fake it till you make it. I found if I approach him we have a great time he enjoys it because he feels handsome and sexy and I know it makes him happy. I know sex is important to him so I continue to have sex couple times a week. Even though if I had my druthers, I'd be happy to decrease it to once a month or once every two months. He has no idea that my sex drive has decreased to such a level because then he wouldn't enjoy it as much with me.

I'm a formerly high drive wife and I don't pretend otherwise and I have a happy marriage. YMMV.

+1. There is no way I can “fake it” that much. It makes me feel terrible to have sex when I don’t want to, and it makes me resent my DH, even though he wouldn’t pressure me about it.

I'm the poster you're responding to who fakes it. I used to be high drive, so I know what it feels like to really, really want sex. That's why I'm able to do it. I remember how important it was to me and realize he didn't have the same hormone changes that I did. We've been married 25 years and I am 60 years old.

[Anonymous]

No. Some men are low drive and also it's very common for male drive to decline as they get older. My DH and I have a very happy marriage and we are both low drive.

There is this common misconception that all men are high drive forever and it's very untrue. Look at the threads and comments on here from high drive women who are frustrated because their husbands are low drive, for instance. It's mismatch that drives unhappiness in this area, not low sex drive in women. It's also age dependent because it's rare for people to maintain high sex drive past 50. Yes, it happens, but the reason you hear about it more is because they are the older people talking about sex all the time. Most older people have less (or even no) sex and are totally fine with it. Why do you think ED drugs exist? The natural urge to have sex declines with age. In both genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Some men are low drive and also it's very common for male drive to decline as they get older. My DH and I have a very happy marriage and we are both low drive.

There is this common misconception that all men are high drive forever and it's very untrue. Look at the threads and comments on here from high drive women who are frustrated because their husbands are low drive, for instance. It's mismatch that drives unhappiness in this area, not low sex drive in women. It's also age dependent because it's rare for people to maintain high sex drive past 50. Yes, it happens, but the reason you hear about it more is because they are the older people talking about sex all the time. Most older people have less (or even no) sex and are totally fine with it. Why do you think ED drugs exist? The natural urge to have sex declines with age. In both genders.

When you’ve been married 30+ years and have had sex a few thousand times the urge can lessen given some sexual boredom can set in. We fight that by trying to mix things up in different ways and when you are empty nesters that becomes pretty easy. We are in our early 60s and we still enjoy a very active sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a formally high drive wife. My husband has always been a high drive male. I still approach him for sex as if I were a high drive. My attitude is fake it till you make it. I found if I approach him we have a great time he enjoys it because he feels handsome and sexy and I know it makes him happy. I know sex is important to him so I continue to have sex couple times a week. Even though if I had my druthers, I'd be happy to decrease it to once a month or once every two months. He has no idea that my sex drive has decreased to such a level because then he wouldn't enjoy it as much with me.

I'm a formerly high drive wife and I don't pretend otherwise and I have a happy marriage. YMMV.

Same. Biology works that the majority of women will have significantly reduced libido by menopause.

+100

I’m 54 and married 25 years and haven’t ever gone a week without having it. Usually minimum 2 times a week now—from much higher years past. But- I could frankly be happy 1-2 times per month.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It's a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m clueless about having a high drive relative to others because I never discuss it with my friends. We’ve been married 33 years and we have sex at least once a week and I really look forward to it. My husband doesn’t nag me about doing it more because when we do have sex I really get into it. If one of us had no drive that would be a problem. I guess if you are compatible that’s a very good thing.

The key is not the woman’s drive but the man being good in bed and not a jerk.

I actually think I’m low drive but my husband is not a jerk and he is great in bed. While I don’t have sex on the brain, as men seem to do, once we get started my drive kicks in. We really take our time and that works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It's a fact.

No, it isn't. Ridiculous premise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m clueless about having a high drive relative to others because I never discuss it with my friends. We’ve been married 33 years and we have sex at least once a week and I really look forward to it. My husband doesn’t nag me about doing it more because when we do have sex I really get into it. If one of us had no drive that would be a problem. I guess if you are compatible that’s a very good thing.

The key is not the woman’s drive but the man being good in bed and not a jerk.

Agree! Plus when my husband showers and importantly shaves just prior to coming to bed my drive really kicks in. He’s always good in bed but on those nights he’s a master.

[Anonymous]

I think your drive needs to be decently matched or compatible. Someone whose interest is once a month and someone whose interest is 3-5 times a week are not compatible. We both seem happy with 1-2 times a week as long as they are not quickies. Not that I have anything against quickies!

[Anonymous]

You know, people often blame the women for the "mismatch" libido. But, a) sometimes the women have the higher drive and b) lots of time it's not about drive.

MOST men are just not very good in bed. They think they are. They've prob had women fake their way through sex and so they believe they are. But most are not. In talking with lots of women over the years, most agree with me on this. It's hard to get excited about sex with someone when it's not very fun. And if I am the one who has to work so hard to make it fun, then I'm even less likely to want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a formally high drive wife. My husband has always been a high drive male. I still approach him for sex as if I were a high drive. My attitude is fake it till you make it. I found if I approach him we have a great time he enjoys it because he feels handsome and sexy and I know it makes him happy. I know sex is important to him so I continue to have sex couple times a week. Even though if I had my druthers, I'd be happy to decrease it to once a month or once every two months. He has no idea that my sex drive has decreased to such a level because then he wouldn't enjoy it as much with me.

I'm a formerly high drive wife and I don't pretend otherwise and I have a happy marriage. YMMV.

Same. Biology works that the majority of women will have significantly reduced libido by menopause.

+100

I’m 54 and married 25 years and haven’t ever gone a week without having it. Usually minimum 2 times a week now—from much higher years past. But- I could frankly be happy 1-2 times per month.

Do you have children? Even post partum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My observation has been that almost all happy marriages are between high-drive spouses.

This seems to be quite unfair to low-drive women. Divorced female friends in their 50s who do not feel like jumping into bed every second day seem to have a very hard time keeping a relationship.

What is your opinion?

Divorced women in their 50s should be eyeing healthy men in their late 60s- their libidos will match and they probably will look like peers.

You think women in their fifties look the same age as men in their late sixties??

Yes

Time to leave the farm, Ellie Mae Clampett.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, people often blame the women for the "mismatch" libido. But, a) sometimes the women have the higher drive and b) lots of time it's not about drive.

MOST men are just not very good in bed. They think they are. They've prob had women fake their way through sex and so they believe they are. But most are not. In talking with lots of women over the years, most agree with me on this. It's hard to get excited about sex with someone when it's not very fun. And if I am the one who has to work so hard to make it fun, then I'm even less likely to want to do it.

MOST women are just not very good in bed. In fact, you can replace men with women in your statement and it would be equally true. How does one know how good they are when they have been monogamous for 25 years? If your frame of reference is porn, its unlikely that any of us are very good. If you've been married 25, 30, 35 years and you are still having sex 1-2 times a week neither partner can be bad. Now, the partner may not send you to the moon but being good enough to get constant repeat performances is not bad. I'm clueless if my husband is great but he can still make me O and he is very attentive to my desires. I know he'd like me to do certain things more often so Im definitely not great but I'm good enough.