Mom does not want grandkids in the same country when she is recovering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spring 2023 we were meant to visit my parents in europe. Mom scheduled a planned surgery for right when we were meant to come, so we had to cancel. We rebooked for Thanksgiving, but at that time she had an orthopedic issue that was very painful and didn't want us to come so we cancelled again. We have the kids spring break soon, and planned to take time off and travel with them and take them back again, but she scheduled her surgery for the first day of spring break and now says she doesn't want to see them for the whole time. I offered to go alone for her surgery, have the kids meet me there and go to a neighboring country with them for a week, have them fly back through home country in case she feels like saying hi (and so my dad can say hi, see friends) and she says that is not ok bc she will feel obligated and also sad that she can't see them if they are nearby. I understand how she feels but it's getting hard to avoid my home country entirely. wwyd?

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Why wouldn't you mom want to see your kids? How badly do you want to visit? How much does she need you? If she thought the kids weren't there would she expect you to be with her? Does she even want to see you?

she wouldn't want to see them as will be post surgery and in pain (spinal fusion is a doozy)
they have live in round the clock care.
i think minus the kids she'd be happy for me to be there for a while, yes. and i plan to be there alone for a while, which is why it makes sense for all of us to come during spring break and then them to leave me, rather than we go somewhere on this continent for spring break and then i have to go to a new continent.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. I would not go at all. It sounds like she actually doesn't even like your kids, can't tolerate seeing them for 1 hour even? This is beyond weird. I have an extremely detached MIL and even she wouldn't behave that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any cultural issues at play here OP? Like if you stay with an aunt or at a hotel, people would talk about her negatively? Is that what is worrying her?

If not, I don't see why you can't go stay with other family or at a hotel.

no no.
yes we def can. she is just upset that they will be there and she cant see them. she'd rather they weren't there at all so she didn't have to feel the pressure.

You’re not responsible for your mother’s (unreasonable) feelings. I’ve seen older people in my family become extremely self-absorbed and making everything all about themselves as they age, even when they are in sound mental health.

[Anonymous]

I would go anyway and just not visit your mom, unless it's by yourself just to check on her and say hi.

Kids can be difficult to deal with when you are recovering from something, and I would be concerned that there is something wrong with her she doesn't want the kids to see. So would go anyhow but keep the kids away from her.

[Anonymous]

Unless she's the queen, she cant ban your children from the country.

BUT she's also purposely scheduling this to avoid seeing them. I wouldn't leave them to travel somewhere else during spring break because mom is being cranky.

Maybe she can hire someone to look after her for the time being while you and your children enjoy a holiday elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? My mom had a chronic illness and she couldn't handle my 2 and 3 year old running around jumping on the bed near her. We tried closing the room when she was taking a nap but nothing worked and they always found a way to go the area that was taboo for them. She was bed ridden for the most part then (could walk around when needed). At that time I was upset that she wanted us to go back, but now that she's gone, in hindsight, it was the right thing for her.

op - they are 8 and 10. we would not stay with them.
i do get it from her pov. it's just hard to avoid the entire country (obv before all this was pandemic) - the kids have very little sense of it and are dual citizens

It's really not. Don't book airfare - presto, entire country avoided. Just like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go anyway and just not visit your mom, unless it's by yourself just to check on her and say hi.

Kids can be difficult to deal with when you are recovering from something, and I would be concerned that there is something wrong with her she doesn't want the kids to see. So would go anyhow but keep the kids away from her.

OP barely mentions her dad. Does he not want to see the kids? And I don't see what there is to deal with since op and the kids wouldn't stay with the mom. She barely has to see the kids at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go anyway and just not visit your mom, unless it's by yourself just to check on her and say hi.

Kids can be difficult to deal with when you are recovering from something, and I would be concerned that there is something wrong with her she doesn't want the kids to see. So would go anyhow but keep the kids away from her.

OP barely mentions her dad. Does he not want to see the kids? And I don't see what there is to deal with since op and the kids wouldn't stay with the mom. She barely has to see the kids at all.

Op - this is the thing - she has done this now twice (twice planned/ once unplanned) and it also affects my dad who is now like her zombie caretaker. They are both obsessed with every detail of her declining mental and physical health. I have no idea what I’ll do if my dad passes away bc she requires round the clock laser focus on her issues and I’m an only child with a crazy job and two kids in a different country.

I have lost sight of what is and is not the right thing to do bc I do love them and want to be there for them and don’t want the kids to never see them - but they also seem to want - on some level- to have very limited interaction with the kids and only slightly less limited interaction with me. Tho I think my dad does like when I come alone bc I help him and we have a glass of wine and he has a bit of a break.

Sigh - idk.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any cultural issues at play here OP? Like if you stay with an aunt or at a hotel, people would talk about her negatively? Is that what is worrying her?

If not, I don't see why you can't go stay with other family or at a hotel.

no no.
yes we def can. she is just upset that they will be there and she cant see them. she'd rather they weren't there at all so she didn't have to feel the pressure.

This doesn't even make sense. How will she feel pressure when they aren't even around her. You should just go and stay somewhere else and enjoy your time there. Like other posters have said, don't tell her you will be in the country. Tell your Dad and he can visit you and the kids if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

After you land there, take a day or two to visit her while DH takes the kids sightseeing or something. Tell her you were in a work visit and you were free just those days. She doesn't need to know your family is in the country. If she finds out later, too bad. At least she wasn't pressured then.

[Anonymous]

You know all those times when you wanted your parents to have boundaries??? Take them to Florida.

[Anonymous]

I understand being unable to host, but she doesn’t even want them in the same country? I’m sorry, but that is not normal. Like not even for an hour? You should schedule whatever trip you have and just skip going to see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand being unable to host, but she doesn’t even want them in the same country? I’m sorry, but that is not normal. Like not even for an hour? You should schedule whatever trip you have and just skip going to see her.

she says she does not want them to see her like that.

the f***er of it is that it's major surgery. so it's not like i can just flounce off and forget it's happening altogether. and the plan was that if it was at ANY other time than the kids spring break (much like last year), i would go and be there. but as it is i have the kids and also dont want to miss that time with them and also can't make it dh issue for 2 weeks solo. But i can totally see a world where I take the kids somewhere near and she has surgery and has complications and then i'm not there. I suppose at least if i'm in europe i am close and can be more flexible and easily get there if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand being unable to host, but she doesn’t even want them in the same country? I’m sorry, but that is not normal. Like not even for an hour? You should schedule whatever trip you have and just skip going to see her.

she says she does not want them to see her like that.

the f***er of it is that it's major surgery. so it's not like i can just flounce off and forget it's happening altogether. and the plan was that if it was at ANY other time than the kids spring break (much like last year), i would go and be there. but as it is i have the kids and also dont want to miss that time with them and also can't make it dh issue for 2 weeks solo. But i can totally see a world where I take the kids somewhere near and she has surgery and has complications and then i'm not there. I suppose at least if i'm in europe i am close and can be more flexible and easily get there if needed.

I get it but at the same time it’s over the top. So either you’re not going to see her because you’re not in the same continent or, not seeing her because she doesn’t want the kids to see her. It’s major surgery, so are they going to be looking at the wound or just grandma in bed? It’s really over the top, honestly. I think you’re avoiding your trips based on a lot of guilt.