Mom does not want grandkids in the same country when she is recovering

[Anonymous]

Spring 2023 we were meant to visit my parents in europe. Mom scheduled a planned surgery for right when we were meant to come, so we had to cancel. We rebooked for Thanksgiving, but at that time she had an orthopedic issue that was very painful and didn't want us to come so we cancelled again. We have the kids spring break soon, and planned to take time off and travel with them and take them back again, but she scheduled her surgery for the first day of spring break and now says she doesn't want to see them for the whole time. I offered to go alone for her surgery, have the kids meet me there and go to a neighboring country with them for a week, have them fly back through home country in case she feels like saying hi (and so my dad can say hi, see friends) and she says that is not ok bc she will feel obligated and also sad that she can't see them if they are nearby. I understand how she feels but it's getting hard to avoid my home country entirely. wwyd?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? My mom had a chronic illness and she couldn't handle my 2 and 3 year old running around jumping on the bed near her. We tried closing the room when she was taking a nap but nothing worked and they always found a way to go the area that was taboo for them. She was bed ridden for the most part then (could walk around when needed). At that time I was upset that she wanted us to go back, but now that she's gone, in hindsight, it was the right thing for her.

[Anonymous]

I get it. It’s a lot to be responsible on any level for hosting or just being a back up if you are sick. My BFF is upset with me right now because her 15 year old will be in DC for two weeks this summer for a program, but I chose to take that time to visit family out of state when I heard he was coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? My mom had a chronic illness and she couldn't handle my 2 and 3 year old running around jumping on the bed near her. We tried closing the room when she was taking a nap but nothing worked and they always found a way to go the area that was taboo for them. She was bed ridden for the most part then (could walk around when needed). At that time I was upset that she wanted us to go back, but now that she's gone, in hindsight, it was the right thing for her.

op - they are 8 and 10. we would not stay with them.
i do get it from her pov. it's just hard to avoid the entire country (obv before all this was pandemic) - the kids have very little sense of it and are dual citizens

[Anonymous]

I would have put my foot down a long time ago, OP. My vacations are few and far between, I miss my Godmother, aunts, cousins, in-laws and friends, who are all in my native European country... so I do not cancel at the whim of my mother. Two of my aunts and my Grandma died during the pandemic, so I want to see loved ones before anything else happens.

I would go ahead with my plans, see everyone except her, and teach her a lesson. Her anxiety and FOMO are making her downright cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would have put my foot down a long time ago, OP. My vacations are few and far between, I miss my Godmother, aunts, cousins, in-laws and friends, who are all in my native European country... so I do not cancel at the whim of my mother. Two of my aunts and my Grandma died during the pandemic, so I want to see loved ones before anything else happens.

I would go ahead with my plans, see everyone except her, and teach her a lesson. Her anxiety and FOMO are making her downright cruel.

To clarify, obviously don't stay at her place.

[Anonymous]

That's entirely irrational and incredibly selfish of her. To the point where I wonder whether she's developing dementia, OP. All the more reason to see your family and friends, and discreetly stop by to pay her a visit, all by yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mother sounds completely irrational and anti-social.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like something my mentally ill late mother would try to pull off.
I would book the tickets and she would tell me (through my dad who was like a zombie at her service) not to come or bring her grandson (it was never our plan to stay with her or even truly see her as she was a bedridden hoarder).

Honestly I think there might be something going on with your mom that she doesn’t want you to see, so you should just come and not tell her and then see for yourself what’s going on.
Is your mom trying to prevent your dad from speaking to you by any chance? I am only asking because it was another thing my late mother did. As someone upthread said, anxiety and FOMO.

[Anonymous]

Don’t share your plans with her. If she doesn’t know your coming she can’t feel obligated.

[Anonymous]

First of all, certainly visit the country with your family whenever you'd like to.

Also, and perhaps sooner, go visit your mother with just you. There may well be something going on, healthwise, that you should know about. I'm surprised you're not concerned because cancelling all of these planned trips is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, certainly visit the country with your family whenever you'd like to.

Also, and perhaps sooner, go visit your mother with just you. There may well be something going on, healthwise, that you should know about. I'm surprised you're not concerned because cancelling all of these planned trips is odd.

op - i know the situation intimately (we speak every 2-3 days) and i went back in december also alone.
she has spinal stenosis and needs a fusion, basically.

[Anonymous]

She’s not sitting at the airport immigration counter and threatening to deport you. Make your plans as you want and just skip seeing her if she doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not sitting at the airport immigration counter and threatening to deport you. Make your plans as you want and just skip seeing her if she doesn’t want to.

lol good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not sitting at the airport immigration counter and threatening to deport you. Make your plans as you want and just skip seeing her if she doesn’t want to.

+1 This just doesn't seem like an actual problem. She's not up for seeing them? You don't take them to visit.