DD’s schoolfriend is being abused by mentally ill sibling

[Anonymous]

Offer for her to stay with you during the week, just be sure not to be judgmental when you do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We’ve called CPS as have others.

Both children are still in the home.

DD’s friend is 11 with an younger brother (9) who has a slew of mental disorders. He is large and violent. He’s constantly verbally assaulting her. A lot of his anger is directed towards her. He’s physically harmed her many times and these incidences have increased as she’s gotten older. Scratch marks all over her face, bruises from being pinched and we’ve seen him punch and kick her.

She is such a sweet girl and I do believe her parents are trying their best with their son. But they’ve totally put his needs above hers and I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up in a home where you are constantly the target of your brothers rage. She’s with us or other friends so often because the parents are taking the boy to the ER for suicidal and homicidal incidences. I feel for them and understand resources for severely disturbed children are limited.

But I do not understand why CPS continues to allow this girl to live in an abusive home. Do they not care if the abuser isn’t the parents? This goes far beyond normal sibling fighting.

This boy is tormenting her.

I don’t have to imagine. This was my childhood and a good chunk of my young adulthood until I moved in with a boyfriend (who ended up becoming an abusive husband). My parents normalized being hit by someone who “loves” you. Decades later, I have more scars on my body from my brother than from my XH.

There are things the family can do. Including selling the family home and getting two apartments where parents take turns living with each child.


Keep calling CPS. The school should be making reports as well. Every bruise and scratch. Callers should emphasize that the child is not being protected by her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her long-term honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

I doubt the boy has friends to drop him at and the grandparents likely cannot manage him. What easy solution do you propose to get the boy out of the house?

It's an awful situation, OP. Do what you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can say "she is always welcome here, as often or as long as you need it."

+1

[Anonymous]

I had this happen with cousins in my family. The brother was older than the sister though. My cousin is a horrible person, but one thing I’ll say she did right is she had the son removed for her daughter’s safety. Can the daughter stay with you op?

[Anonymous]

You can’t solve this problem but you can make her welcome in your home as much as possible and tell the parents in a supportive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

Not impossible. Find a facility for the 9 year old.

Ha ha ha ha. You have obviously never tried to do this. My family was in a similar situation. DD is 3 yrs older than DS. If the family can afford it, sleep away camp is a nice break during the summer. There needs to be a safe room in the house. It makes the most sense for it to be a room that has direct access to a bathroom. Rages can last hours. The door needs to be solid wood or steel with a deadbolt on it. Put a small fridge in the room as well.

CPS is not set up to deal with abuse from children to children or children to parents. The easiest way to get into RTC is via an IEP. And it’s not easy.

Boarding school becomes an option in 6th. Linden Hall in Pa starts in 6th. The school will give significant FA in circumstances like this.

If the parents are in the ER, they are doing what they can. There are support groups with parents that have walked this path before. Those are the most helpful. I learned how to get my kid admitted to Shepphard Pratt, how to fight for an IEP, who a good fit therapist for my kid would be, about alternative therapy option, etc. I don’t know how you broach the topic with the parents if they are not asking your opinion or advice.

My daughter knew she could call her best friends mom any time. That was very helpful for both of us. Lastly, my marriage did not survive this. But life got much better when there were 2 homes. It is like having built in respite care. Again not sure you can make that suggestion.

Overall the situation sucks. There are no good answers and everything costs way more money than even the average DCUM family had. Self pay RTC are $12-$15k per month with an average stay of a year.

My friends used to take me out for coffee and just let me talk without judgement. It helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

Not impossible. Find a facility for the 9 year old.

That is pretty much impossible. It really is. My family experienced this. My parents exhausted every avenue to find placement for my sibling. They even had to resort to calling the police to subdue violent episodes on numerous occasions. Finding a place that will take a minor, your minor, when you need it, it nearly impossible

[Anonymous]

As a previous poster noted, the only choice at this young age is to move into two different places. Often, dad has to live full time with the violent kid since the dad is usually the biggest and strongest. Then, the money you used to have to pay for a psychiatrist, etc is going towards housing. It is a complete mess.

I’ve seen two other outcomes. In one, the parents adopted a child from Russia who was extremely violent as he got older. They ended up relinquishing their parental rights (and this was the mid 80s). You can imagine the heat they got for giving up on an adopted kid. But they believed he would kill them all. I was a teen back then, but they probably gave the kid up around age 11.

In another, the kid was convicted of a major crime by age 15 or 16. He is now in some sort of prison institution. I don’t totally understand it, but the parents are well off so they get sued by the state to help fund his placement. But essentially, they have no parental rights at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful! I’m sorry op. You’re a kind person for letting her stay.

Aren’t there drugs he could be given to make him more docile? Like klonopin?

I was thinking this. Medicate him. But it’s a bad option. This is a sad and impossible situation. Sorry for the family. I’m sure it’s overwhelming to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful! I’m sorry op. You’re a kind person for letting her stay.

Aren’t there drugs he could be given to make him more docile? Like klonopin?

I was thinking this. Medicate him. But it’s a bad option. This is a sad and impossible situation. Sorry for the family. I’m sure it’s overwhelming to handle it.

I would be shocked if this kid isn’t already heavily medicated with a variety of behavioral meds. The reality is that just doesn’t work for everyone. And, doctors are not going to let you sedate a kid 24/7 at home — which is what you really mean. That isn’t possible outside a hospital setting. And there is pretty much nowhere to put a 9 year old to get this type of care long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t solve this problem but you can make her welcome in your home as much as possible and tell the parents in a supportive way.

Another +1. Tell both child and parents. Think about what you could offer her - could you set aside some drawer/ closet space for her? Have a regular place where she sleeps? Can you serve as emergency contact? Also help her with thinking about boarding school. She might or might not be interested, but her parents are likely too exhausted to do the legwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer for her to stay with you during the week, just be sure not to be judgmental when you do so.

We are going to offer this as a longterm solution. We end up with her last minute most of the time anyways and I think it would be less stressful if she had her own space here and more of a routine.

[Anonymous]

If you are willing to take her in, tell her parents and do it.

No one is going to take on their mentally ill, violent child. It will always be her that has to leave. Love her and make her feel like she is a part of your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are willing to take her in, tell her parents and do it.

No one is going to take on their mentally ill, violent child. It will always be her that has to leave. Love her and make her feel like she is a part of your family.

+1 . I have an older son that has anxiety & other disabilities. I don't see any signs of aggression, but I see signs that he may go down suicidal or depression route if we are not careful. He is a sensitive child that he cries sometimes. My younger daughter is a sweet one, and she is more mentally stable & stronger than him. I don't know the real life situation, but I would try my best to separate them in the same home i
in any way, like lock or I cosleep with the daughter every single night.