DD’s schoolfriend is being abused by mentally ill sibling

[Anonymous]

Yes. We’ve called CPS as have others.

Both children are still in the home.

DD’s friend is 11 with an younger brother (9) who has a slew of mental disorders. He is large and violent. He’s constantly verbally assaulting her. A lot of his anger is directed towards her. He’s physically harmed her many times and these incidences have increased as she’s gotten older. Scratch marks all over her face, bruises from being pinched and we’ve seen him punch and kick her.

She is such a sweet girl and I do believe her parents are trying their best with their son. But they’ve totally put his needs above hers and I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up in a home where you are constantly the target of your brothers rage. She’s with us or other friends so often because the parents are taking the boy to the ER for suicidal and homicidal incidences. I feel for them and understand resources for severely disturbed children are limited.

But I do not understand why CPS continues to allow this girl to live in an abusive home. Do they not care if the abuser isn’t the parents? This goes far beyond normal sibling fighting.

This boy is tormenting her.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to school counselor? Maybe they can make a more persuasive support or offer further resources or perspective to the parents?

[Anonymous]

Can the girl fight back at all? Hopefully her bedroom has a lock.

[Anonymous]

The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

[Anonymous]

If the parents are constantly taking him for help, how can you say they are prioritizing him over her? In your mind what would prioritizing her look like?

It’s awful, the lack of resources for kids like this is an enormous problem, but taking her away isn’t the solution.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you or others could
Help her apply to a boarding school? My sibling experienced a psychotic break when I was a teen and I often fantasized about boarding school. In situations like these it can be a really good option.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

Not impossible. Find a facility for the 9 year old.

[Anonymous]

Tell the parents you want to help more with the daughter. Don’t judge them - I have a child like this and it’s hell. It’s worse than you could ever imagine - there are no easy solutions or answers, no parenting philosophy works, and providers (let’s not even get into GOOD providers) are nearly impossible to find.

I only have the one kid, thankfully, and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to raise a child like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

Not impossible. Find a facility for the 9 year old.

Watch “A Dangerous Son” (I think it’s on Netflix). It’s extremely difficult to find facilities and treatment for children like this. Nearly impossible really. Some people get lucky, but facilities aren’t forever solutions either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you or others could
Help her apply to a boarding school? My sibling experienced a psychotic break when I was a teen and I often fantasized about boarding school. In situations like these it can be a really good option.

She’s only 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the parents are constantly taking him for help, how can you say they are prioritizing him over her? In your mind what would prioritizing her look like?

It’s awful, the lack of resources for kids like this is an enormous problem, but taking her away isn’t the solution.

I don’t think she should be removed from the home. I think they need to find helpful resources for the boy. He is slowly becoming too much for the parents. He’s harmed the mother pretty significantly as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the parents you want to help more with the daughter. Don’t judge them - I have a child like this and it’s hell. It’s worse than you could ever imagine - there are no easy solutions or answers, no parenting philosophy works, and providers (let’s not even get into GOOD providers) are nearly impossible to find.

I only have the one kid, thankfully, and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to raise a child like this.

I’m sincerely sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it would be.

You’re right. I don’t know. I just am seeing how much this girl hurts and how the parents don’t have time to help her and it’s really hard to watch. Would you be offended if someone offered to keep your other child (if you had one) during the school week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

Are you willing to have him dropped off with you? Do the parents know you would prefer that?

I would ordinarily guess that they don’t have a place to drop him off. Usually when families are in the ER they are desperately trying to get inpatient help, that doesn’t sound like they are keen to keep the situation as is.

I am not disagreeing that it sounds like a terrible situation, but I don’t understand your anger at the parents.