DD’s schoolfriend is being abused by mentally ill sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the girl fight back at all? Hopefully her bedroom has a lock.

She doesn’t. He’s larger. I’m not sure if her bedroom has a lock. She’s attacked when at home weekly. Going to the bathroom, the kitchen, outside to play.

I know he is not allowed in her room and his door does have a lock from the outside.

[Anonymous]

They need a bigger house with internal locking doors. Or two neighboring apartments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

Are you willing to have him dropped off with you? Do the parents know you would prefer that?

I would ordinarily guess that they don’t have a place to drop him off. Usually when families are in the ER they are desperately trying to get inpatient help, that doesn’t sound like they are keen to keep the situation as is.

I am not disagreeing that it sounds like a terrible situation, but I don’t understand your anger at the parents.

No. We would never take him. We have our own daughters to worry about. I meant we’d take her.

He needs a place to go with much higher support needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that CPS doesn’t care it’s that there is no good solution or alternative. Either the son is removed from the home or the daughter is and then what? One of the kids is put in foster care? The son is institutionalized (which would be very difficult to even find a facility that would take a 9 year old)?

It’s an impossible position for the parents or caseworkers to manage really. The only thing I could see realistically happening is one parent takes each kid and live separately or girl goes to live w someone else (grandparents, aunt/uncle, close friend’s family) to keep her safe.

Not impossible. Find a facility for the 9 year old.

Do you have any experience with this? It IS nearly impossible to find a facility that will take a 9 year old like this for residential care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

Are you willing to have him dropped off with you? Do the parents know you would prefer that?

I would ordinarily guess that they don’t have a place to drop him off. Usually when families are in the ER they are desperately trying to get inpatient help, that doesn’t sound like they are keen to keep the situation as is.

I am not disagreeing that it sounds like a terrible situation, but I don’t understand your anger at the parents.

No. We would never take him. We have our own daughters to worry about. I meant we’d take her.

He needs a place to go with much higher support needs.

Well yes and obviously the parents agree. What are you judging them for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the parents you want to help more with the daughter. Don’t judge them - I have a child like this and it’s hell. It’s worse than you could ever imagine - there are no easy solutions or answers, no parenting philosophy works, and providers (let’s not even get into GOOD providers) are nearly impossible to find.

I only have the one kid, thankfully, and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to raise a child like this.

I’m sincerely sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it would be.

You’re right. I don’t know. I just am seeing how much this girl hurts and how the parents don’t have time to help her and it’s really hard to watch. Would you be offended if someone offered to keep your other child (if you had one) during the school week?

A coworker did this for her daughter’s friend. The girl stayed with her family through middle school and high school.

[Anonymous]

I think you can say "she is always welcome here, as often or as long as you need it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

There are probably no options for the son. I have a mentally ill son and I am amazing at finding resources. They don’t exist unless you have a lot of money and exceptional insurance. Don’t judge the parents. Step up. I wish people had helped us more. I didn’t want my other kids to suffer but sometimes life is crisis management. I’m sure they appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

OP you literally have no idea what you are talking about. There is no magical home that this child can go to. You have a lot more faith in our system than there is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the girl fight back at all? Hopefully her bedroom has a lock.

She doesn’t. He’s larger. I’m not sure if her bedroom has a lock. She’s attacked when at home weekly. Going to the bathroom, the kitchen, outside to play.

I know he is not allowed in her room and his door does have a lock from the outside.

That's the best that they can do then.

[Anonymous]

This is awful! I’m sorry op. You’re a kind person for letting her stay.

Aren’t there drugs he could be given to make him more docile? Like klonopin?

[Anonymous]

OP is a good person for caring and offering to take the daughter whenever. We need to bring back residential treatment centers (and ensure they’re better than in the past). It sounds like the parents are dealing with an impossible situation and the daughter’s life at home must be hell.

OP — I hope you can keep offering the daughter a safe and welcoming place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The alternatives are not that great. Foster care is the alternative and that is not risk free. Can the village not help more?

I don’t feel like foster care for her is the best option. But they are so keen on keeping the boy in the home and focus on him 100%, I feel like it shouldn’t be her who is always being dropped off with friends and relatives.

We’d have her longterm honestly. If the parents were ok with it. She’s between us, another friend and grandparents mostly.

What other option do you think these parents have? I doubt there are friends and family willing to take a large, violent 9 year old boy. Would you welcome him into your home so she can stay with her parents? Doubtful (which I understand). But there’s a reason your invitation to help with childcare extends to the sweet easy girl and not the mentally ill boy. I feel so bad for this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a good person for caring and offering to take the daughter whenever. We need to bring back residential treatment centers (and ensure they’re better than in the past). It sounds like the parents are dealing with an impossible situation and the daughter’s life at home must be hell.

OP — I hope you can keep offering the daughter a safe and welcoming place.

+1… sadly. These places were awful in the past and I understand why THOSE were closed and defunded but I’m so tired of seeing families and classrooms sacrificed on the altar of one kid. Yes it’s not his or anyone else’s fault, but the solution is not what we’re currently doing where everyone suffers (including the SN kids)

[Anonymous]

Somebody gotta go!