My Supervisor’s Boss Hates Me - Come In Please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you put “a woman” in parentheses in your opening paragraph? That was evident from the pronouns you used in the subsequent numbered list.

Just struck me as unnecessary (and maybe telling).

This is OP. I did not want to make my (long) post even longer but I had referenced her being a woman because I intended to explain further that I had heard she has historically had difficulty with other employees who were women because she felt threatened by them. She gets along just fine with men. For me this is very difficult because right now although there are other women in the office, I am the only one with the target on my back. She engages in a lot of exclusionary behavior - i.e., calling all of the employees but me into her office to tell a personal story; joking with the other employees but not me; making a big deal of showing something she bought or saw to all of the other employees except for me; rolling her eyes when I speak, etc. It very much gives high school vibes and I am not used to it.

Oh my goodness, OP. I had a boss like this a few years ago. I’m so sorry you’re in the position. I was good at my job, people liked me, and the vicious b$&@! made my life a living hell. I hung on for several months, filed a complaint against her, and so glad I gave her some hell before I found snorted job. The men stood by and did nothing as usual because they’ll just never stand up to an awful female supervisor. I talked to a lawyer who says get out, it will never get better, she wants to show the boys she’s tough too and you’re her target.

You have to get out of there. She’s going nowhere. She’ll just feel more and more empowered. On some level she loves being the alpha female in the room with the mean doting on or tearing her. You’re a threat snd she wants to destroy you. Get out. Don’t grove her the opportunity to harm you.

Corrections… I gave her hell before I found another job (not snorted 😂)

She loves being the alpha female with the men doting in her or fearing her.

These situations show how feral and animal
like humans can be. She’s acting like a territorial animal in the wild.

This is OP. You've nailed her - she loves acting tough in front of the guys and they dote on her and kiss up to her, all while watching this happen to me.

OP, is she someone’s relative or spouse? Does she have a political connection or a family with money? The bully I once worked for did.

No. She’s just a longtime federal government employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a toxic federal agency. My immediate supervisor appears to like me but his boss (a woman), clearly hates me. Examples:

1) She will come to work, walk down the hallways, say good morning to everyone but me.

2) Every time she communicates with me in writing or in person, it is dripping with contempt or sarcasm.

3) She especially likes to try and undercut me or humiliate me in meetings.

I’ve only been here 6 months. The office skews young and professionally, I am much more experienced than my co-workers by about 10 years. However I don’t boast or brag about my skills, am very low key, a team player, volunteer for additional work all of the time and have had the most wins/successes of my colleagues on some very big projects. However, she never compliments or congratulates me.

My immediate supervisor appears to like me but when his boss lobs jabs at me or is rude or condescending to me in meetings, he does not step in or speak up in my defense. That said, he has indicated that he wants to “protect me” from her and has tried to assure me that he has warded off other instances when she has wanted to come after me.

I have never had this happen at any job (am in mid 40’s). Even my toughest bosses have been professional and polite and expressed appreciation for my work.

Not really sure what to do here.

sorry u are going thru this
Something about the bolded feels weird. your direct boss is in a tough position, for sure, but it feels alittle "oh don't worry i am on yourside in private just not in public"

This is OP. That is exactly what happens. In private he will say one thing but in front of her or our section, he is silent. So it is not helpful.

Right. Well, I am “that guy” too—just know he’s a screwed as you are. He can’t tell you to run. But basically, run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a toxic federal agency. My immediate supervisor appears to like me but his boss (a woman), clearly hates me. Examples:

1) She will come to work, walk down the hallways, say good morning to everyone but me.

2) Every time she communicates with me in writing or in person, it is dripping with contempt or sarcasm.

3) She especially likes to try and undercut me or humiliate me in meetings.

I’ve only been here 6 months. The office skews young and professionally, I am much more experienced than my co-workers by about 10 years. However I don’t boast or brag about my skills, am very low key, a team player, volunteer for additional work all of the time and have had the most wins/successes of my colleagues on some very big projects. However, she never compliments or congratulates me.

My immediate supervisor appears to like me but when his boss lobs jabs at me or is rude or condescending to me in meetings, he does not step in or speak up in my defense. That said, he has indicated that he wants to “protect me” from her and has tried to assure me that he has warded off other instances when she has wanted to come after me.

I have never had this happen at any job (am in mid 40’s). Even my toughest bosses have been professional and polite and expressed appreciation for my work.

Not really sure what to do here.

sorry u are going thru this
Something about the bolded feels weird. your direct boss is in a tough position, for sure, but it feels alittle "oh don't worry i am on yourside in private just not in public"

This is OP. That is exactly what happens. In private he will say one thing but in front of her or our section, he is silent. So it is not helpful.

Right. Well, I am “that guy” too—just know he’s a screwed as you are. He can’t tell you to run. But basically, run.

Question for the make managers in this predicament: are you told not to go up against the bully and let her run her own show? I was in this situation a while ago and it looks like I’m back in it as the target of a bully female manager. I get the sense the more powerful men are told to back off to avoid a lawsuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a toxic federal agency. My immediate supervisor appears to like me but his boss (a woman), clearly hates me. Examples:

1) She will come to work, walk down the hallways, say good morning to everyone but me.

2) Every time she communicates with me in writing or in person, it is dripping with contempt or sarcasm.

3) She especially likes to try and undercut me or humiliate me in meetings.

I’ve only been here 6 months. The office skews young and professionally, I am much more experienced than my co-workers by about 10 years. However I don’t boast or brag about my skills, am very low key, a team player, volunteer for additional work all of the time and have had the most wins/successes of my colleagues on some very big projects. However, she never compliments or congratulates me.

My immediate supervisor appears to like me but when his boss lobs jabs at me or is rude or condescending to me in meetings, he does not step in or speak up in my defense. That said, he has indicated that he wants to “protect me” from her and has tried to assure me that he has warded off other instances when she has wanted to come after me.

I have never had this happen at any job (am in mid 40’s). Even my toughest bosses have been professional and polite and expressed appreciation for my work.

Not really sure what to do here.

sorry u are going thru this
Something about the bolded feels weird. your direct boss is in a tough position, for sure, but it feels alittle "oh don't worry i am on yourside in private just not in public"

This is OP. That is exactly what happens. In private he will say one thing but in front of her or our section, he is silent. So it is not helpful.

Right. Well, I am “that guy” too—just know he’s a screwed as you are. He can’t tell you to run. But basically, run.

Question for the make managers in this predicament: are you told not to go up against the bully and let her run her own show? I was in this situation a while ago and it looks like I’m back in it as the target of a bully female manager. I get the sense the more powerful men are told to back off to avoid a lawsuit.

I’m not actually a guy. Just metaphorically “that guy”. I have not been advised to do that. I’m just trying not to get stuck in the vortex. It is brutal being in between a bully leader and the staff. If the OP thinks it’s bad for them, trust me, it is way way worse for her boss unless the boss is a really good actor.

[Anonymous]

What actually can the second level supervisor do? Your first level supervisor gives the performance reviews. Can the second level boss say give suzy the bad projects? Or say she has to move to a less favorable division/position? I suppose they can do that so long as it isn't discrimination or retaliation, right? There is no protection for "i just don't like you for no good reason" right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What actually can the second level supervisor do? Your first level supervisor gives the performance reviews. Can the second level boss say give suzy the bad projects? Or say she has to move to a less favorable division/position? I suppose they can do that so long as it isn't discrimination or retaliation, right? There is no protection for "i just don't like you for no good reason" right?

In my case, the second level supervisor picks on me for little things and copies my first level supervisor.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God did I this? I just gave notice last week. EXACT same situation. My supervisor was great. Her boss hated me. She also greeted and joked with other coworkers and purposely left me out. She was threatened by me because the head of our department (her boss) was good to me and tried to mentor me. Even high school wasn't this bad. It's not fair and it really bothers me that she gets away with this juvenile behavior. Everyone kisses her a$$ because they're afraid of her. I guess I need to play the game better.

[Anonymous]

Find a new job OP it's not gonna get any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God did I this? I just gave notice last week. EXACT same situation. My supervisor was great. Her boss hated me. She also greeted and joked with other coworkers and purposely left me out. She was threatened by me because the head of our department (her boss) was good to me and tried to mentor me. Even high school wasn't this bad. It's not fair and it really bothers me that she gets away with this juvenile behavior. Everyone kisses her a$$ because they're afraid of her. I guess I need to play the game better.

No you don’t need to play the game - you just unfortunately need a different top boss. Not every place is like that. A couple of weeks ago, one person posted the tell tale signs of a toxic work environment but one thing to look for is turnover. You can ask about how long the longest serving employee has been there. If going to a federal agency you can kind of gauge through online records just how long people have been there. At the agency where I am when I looked, it was clear that no one was staying longer than a year or year and a half. I took the job anyway and noticed that everyone was young (for the field I am in) so that was a red flag that my office was not retaining mid-career and late career professionals and I was in my 40s. Literally by the end of the week I had started looking for a new job due to this really awful supervisor and the high school like environment.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Just coming in to say this situation has not changed. I have three viable job prospects - one of which involves working for someone I used to work for and really like. Please send good vibes so I can get out of here!

[Anonymous]

Dust off your CV, work with recruiters, network, leave. I had a good role but a female fed in a leadership-adjacent role made my life hell. She'd ask for a deliverable then call me separate from my boss and ream me out for providing exactly what she asked. She would regularly Teams message me trying to isolate me 'it's so good your office is so tucked away nobody will talk to you.' (I had a lit of people seeking policy advice from me so her words meant little). My boss didn't want to get involved (everyone was scared of the female). So I left. The kicker? My boss tried to email me to look at work documents right as I started a new job, because nobody could find a replacement yet. Goodbye & good riddance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dust off your CV, work with recruiters, network, leave. I had a good role but a female fed in a leadership-adjacent role made my life hell. She'd ask for a deliverable then call me separate from my boss and ream me out for providing exactly what she asked. She would regularly Teams message me trying to isolate me 'it's so good your office is so tucked away nobody will talk to you.' (I had a lit of people seeking policy advice from me so her words meant little). My boss didn't want to get involved (everyone was scared of the female). So I left. The kicker? My boss tried to email me to look at work documents right as I started a new job, because nobody could find a replacement yet. Goodbye & good riddance!

Ugh. Why is this so common though? I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest ladies, men are pigs and all that, but more often than not it's y'all tearing each other down in the workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God did I this? I just gave notice last week. EXACT same situation. My supervisor was great. Her boss hated me. She also greeted and joked with other coworkers and purposely left me out. She was threatened by me because the head of our department (her boss) was good to me and tried to mentor me. Even high school wasn't this bad. It's not fair and it really bothers me that she gets away with this juvenile behavior. Everyone kisses her a$$ because they're afraid of her. I guess I need to play the game better.

Are you attractive or have an impressive resume? Maybe she felt threatened. In my case, I have a really great resume and could work anywhere and the skip level boss who didn’t like me was intimidated by me and took every opportunity to try and put me in my place.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this exact same thing. To a PP’s point, I really do think it boils down to the supervisor being threatened. As a PP said, it’s only worse if you’re attractive and/or have an impressive resume. But I’m convinced the triple threat is if you have a strong work ethic too. Because an insecure person can tell themselves that another person’s good looks or pedigree was bought/is unmerited in one way or another. But someone who is willing to roll up their sleeves? Will run through a brick wall to do excellent work? That can’t be bought. That’s pure talent. And it’s a threat.

Praying for you OP. Please keep me in your thoughts too - I have 2 potential options in the hopper and my goodness do I hope one works out. I had no idea work could be so horrible