Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?

[Anonymous]

We are in the process of getting divorce over something far less serious. His behavior is a shame! Wow shushing you, barking at you, leaving you behind in restaurants wow…My wife is leaving me because she said I have gotten complacent in our marriage and I don’t want to spend time with her which is true. However I have never disrespected her like your husband is disrespecting you. This guy needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

There are online support forums for women I would check out if you think ASD is involved. It was extremely eye opening for me. Obviously, everyone's marriage is different. I encouraged my spouse repeatedly to get help, but little changed. I was ony sorry I didn't leave sooner. Life has become so peaceful and positive. Do it for yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

I have asked this question before: How many men really follow thru with the 50/50 visitation long term? These guys may talk a big game, but rarely can do the work.

[Anonymous]

Right. People don’t seems to process that ending the marriage does not end the abuse, and often makes it worse; you trade that for being away from him 50% of the time, less parenting help, less economic security, less time to spend with your kids because you are now breadwinner for your household, and future stepmother and step or half siblings, and less future inheritance for your child.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a tough one OP.

I have hung in there in a relationship that includes far worse. Screaming in my face, threats, insults, a lot of anger issues.

This week my DH said he wants a divorce.

I still would be willing to go to therapy if he wanted to work on himself. But I believe everything is fixable if you want to fix it.

[Anonymous]

You need to get the kids into therapy too. They need to learn this is not appropriate behavior in a relationship (or anywhere).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but you and your children would be better off without that jerk.

The problem when you divorce a jerk is your kids still have to spend time with your ex. WITHOUT you there to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.

This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have asked this question before: How many men really follow thru with the 50/50 visitation long term? These guys may talk a big game, but rarely can do the work.

If money is involved, they will go through the motions. Just dump the kids on their mom. My ex used to bring them back in the same clothes they left in sometimes. Unbrushed hair, unbrushed teeth, prescriptions not taken.

One time my child had food poisoning and he gave her a pot to puke in and went back to bed, and left her alone to be sick all night. She was 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.

This is so true. Usually when people ask, "why did you marry such a jerk then?" I tell them - people change. But the idea of not just changing, but *masking* in the first place - I never thought about that before. It adds an element of intent to deceive.

I don’t think it’s a calculated deception, more like their true self cannot be repressed beyond a point and they don’t see more any need to put on a front.

[Anonymous]

You can talk forever, or you can do something. Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left when it got impossible to live next to him. I was told later that half his family is autistic. Still don't know if he was or not. He just kept telling me how he didn't know why he behaved like that, but that was after I had already left. He did things that hurt him, and family around him. No hobbies, no friends.

OP here. This is the same with DH, drinks way too much, has very few friends, is not close with his family, no hobbies, and is resentful that I am social and have as many friends as I do.

Mine locked me out when I went to see a friend. That's how resentful he was. He didn't have any friends and he didn't want me to have any. I did not see it coming at all because we hang out with my friends when we met. He just tagged along because he wanted my companionship. I also never thought his family has special needs. I thought they were weird, but considered it cultural.
I'm so sorry it is happening to you.
Your kids are old enough to tell the courts what they want at some point. The older ones may be able to speak for the younger ones. Also, your DH may stop mistreating the kids.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a freak. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

...Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids;...

Everything in your post supports what your therapist said about your husband's behavior being abusive. This statement, though, out of all you said would be a deal-breaker for me.

As an adult, I make choices about what I will tolerate. Your kids have no choice so, as a parent, you are responsible for ensuring their health and well-being. Being mocked and demeaned by a patent is unacceptable. I can't overstate how damaging this is to your kids. Unless you are standing up for your kids when he does it, you are complicit in the abuse. That alone would lead me to divorce. You and your kids, especially, deserve better.

(Yes, my father did this to me and my siblings. It was so hurtful and damaging. I still can't understand why our mother didn't protect us.)

So you don’t like how AsD mocks his own young kids, among other things.

So you divorce him.

And then he gets 50% custody, totally unsupervised.

And that’s your solution??!? That’s the family court’s solution. Abusive dad or not. Mentally ill dad or not.

PP you're responding to. Your solution would have the kids living 100% of the time with one abusive parent while the other, when she's around, allows the abuse to happen. The kids learn that the ones who should do the most to protect, support and nurture them don't care enough about them to do so. They learn, even before they can speak or brains developed to understand, that their home, the place that's supposed to be safe, is not. It is a dangerous place for them and they have to learn to survive in it. This shapes them in ways that have negative, life long consequences. The harm to people, kids especially, of witnessing and being a abuse are well documented.

You, and others like you, operate under the fallacy that not divorcing allows a parent to 'protect' the kids from the abusive one. It doesn't. Unless you are with your kids 100% of the time, they will be alone with their abuser, unsupervised. Kids deserve a safe and healthy place to live even if they're only there 50% of the time. Spending 50% your time in an abusive environment is better than spending 100% of it there. They need at least one parent to stand up for them and demonstrate what is acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left when it got impossible to live next to him. I was told later that half his family is autistic. Still don't know if he was or not. He just kept telling me how he didn't know why he behaved like that, but that was after I had already left. He did things that hurt him, and family around him. No hobbies, no friends.

OP here. This is the same with DH, drinks way too much, has very few friends, is not close with his family, no hobbies, and is resentful that I am social and have as many friends as I do.

Mine locked me out when I went to see a friend. That's how resentful he was. He didn't have any friends and he didn't want me to have any. I did not see it coming at all because we hang out with my friends when we met. He just tagged along because he wanted my companionship. I also never thought his family has special needs. I thought they were weird, but considered it cultural.
I'm so sorry it is happening to you.
Your kids are old enough to tell the courts what they want at some point. The older ones may be able to speak for the younger ones. Also, your DH may stop mistreating the kids.

Did you end up leaving, pp?