Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

I swear to God I am going to lobby Jeff to immediately delete this idiotic response every time it comes up.

Not PP but guess it needs to be said so more people won't make similar mistakes and use time and judgment to screen partners before marrying and popping babies.

I was with my husband for 12 years (married 5 of them) before we had kids. I can safely say I didn’t rush into anything. Kids changed our relationship in ways I really didn’t see coming. Sure we had our issues before but the stress of adding kids (including one with mild SN) into the mix changed everything. If everything has gone according to your plans you are either very lucky or lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the hodcuse.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Do you think you are more drama than most people? Did you marry him because you thought he was stoic? I just think it's hard to figure this stuff out if you haven't made any changes yourself. How would we know if you should divorce? It's a huge decision. Especially with children. This seems small potatoes compared to other people's issues. I'd work on the issues first. Both of you.

I have a friend I love dearly but she is full of drama naturally and the husband bears a lot of her anxiety. Luckily, they both want to make it work and have worked hard on the marriage together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the hodcuse.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Do you think you are more drama than most people? Did you marry him because you thought he was stoic? I just think it's hard to figure this stuff out if you haven't made any changes yourself. How would we know if you should divorce? It's a huge decision. Especially with children. This seems small potatoes compared to other people's issues. I'd work on the issues first. Both of you.

I have a friend I love dearly but she is full of drama naturally and the husband bears a lot of her anxiety. Luckily, they both want to make it work and have worked hard on the marriage together.

I have been told by many people I'm low-drama. That is definitely not the issue here. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm at least willing to go to counseling and work on things. I've been trying to drag DH there for several years to no avail.

[Anonymous]

Emotional abuse is not “small potatoes.” This kind of dismissive language by someone who doesn’t know you should be ignored. I feel for what you’re going through. I hope you get all the support you need to make right decision for you. In my husband’s case, I did feel there was absolutely an intent to deceive the first several years of the marriage. Once we had a child, it was obvious he had lied about many things to me. I think it is a combination of being used to masking, and lying to others and themselves. I considered it a betrayal, and really couldn’t forgive him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the hodcuse.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Do you think you are more drama than most people? Did you marry him because you thought he was stoic? I just think it's hard to figure this stuff out if you haven't made any changes yourself. How would we know if you should divorce? It's a huge decision. Especially with children. This seems small potatoes compared to other people's issues. I'd work on the issues first. Both of you.

I have a friend I love dearly but she is full of drama naturally and the husband bears a lot of her anxiety. Luckily, they both want to make it work and have worked hard on the marriage together.

I have been told by many people I'm low-drama. That is definitely not the issue here. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I'm at least willing to go to counseling and work on things. I've been trying to drag DH there for several years to no avail.

Do you feel DH is immature?

[Anonymous]

This sounds low level.
Addressable issues with care and time

[Anonymous]

You can not drag an adult person anywhere. That is not how it works.

That is a counterproductive start to what is supposed to be a transformative experience performed by the person himself.

Therapists are not alchemists or witches who will cast a romantic spell. Or mechanics who will fix things. That is wishful thinking.

I actually think couples therapy is a bad idea for many people.

[Anonymous]

You have been married and living with the same person for 16 years. What you are describing is common. This is also around the time people get really annoyed with their spouse. Tons of events happen at year~ 15

I vote that this is totally normal. You choose your strategy and your reaction now. You can only control yourself, your tolerance and your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I guarantee that you have a bunch of awful habits too (I did). You can try working on switching your buttons. Switch your words.
Don’t get reactive and learn techniques to do this. (Think how cops are trained)

Remain neutral stance more. It can’t hurt. It may just change up the environment and scenario. People us usually don’t act like a jerk when it’s followed by complete silence.

[Anonymous]

One more thing: Think about Marriage Year 15 like a prolonged drowning. Both of you can’t swim. You are downing and flailing your arms and legs in the middle of a lake.

Then you both grab onto each other to try to survive. It gets worse. Both start struggling and trying to stay a float. Both drown.

Your job is to swim to calm waters.

That is year 15 (or about 15-18).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been married and living with the same person for 16 years. What you are describing is common. This is also around the time people get really annoyed with their spouse. Tons of events happen at year~ 15

I vote that this is totally normal. You choose your strategy and your reaction now. You can only control yourself, your tolerance and your happiness.

I'm really sorry your experiences, and perhaps culture, lead you to believe what OP describes is 'totally normal'. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Clear to me that it is time for a separation.

Your husband's behavior is both abusive and a cry for help.

[Anonymous]

He is so childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can not drag an adult person anywhere. That is not how it works.

That is a counterproductive start to what is supposed to be a transformative experience performed by the person himself.

Therapists are not alchemists or witches who will cast a romantic spell. Or mechanics who will fix things. That is wishful thinking.

I actually think couples therapy is a bad idea for many people.

So she should just sit there and watch while he drinks himself to death?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can not drag an adult person anywhere. That is not how it works.

That is a counterproductive start to what is supposed to be a transformative experience performed by the person himself.

Therapists are not alchemists or witches who will cast a romantic spell. Or mechanics who will fix things. That is wishful thinking.

I actually think couples therapy is a bad idea for many people.

So she should just sit there and watch while he drinks himself to death?

Oops, sorry wrong thread.