Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?

[Anonymous]

Yes I'd leave. I don't think that emotional abuse is an automatic dealbreaker but this is really bad.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is abuse. You should divorce. Stop wasting time on therapy. Get a lawyer (quietly). And get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

OP, it doesn't matter what other people have done. Your therapist is right: he is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and your children. Just because you can still stand it doesn't mean you should.

But depending on how custody might shake out, IDK that we can definitely say leaving is better for the kids. Would he want 50-50? Would it be harder for your kids to be alone with him, or would he behave the same as he is now and at least they could be totally separated from him half of the time?

[Anonymous]

What would you tell your best friend if she told you this?

[Anonymous]

Having ASD is not an excuse for how cruel and dismissive he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Just read what you wrote as someone else wrote it. What advice would you give? That's your answer.

[Anonymous]

My answer would be to take him to a board certified and experienced psychiatrist. He needs more than a random family counselor can offer. Even after divorce, he'll still remain father of your children and likely have 50% custody so you need him to get better for them. No one in their right mind barks at another human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

NP. These behaviors often get worse with age and with the stress of family life and kids. They wouldn’t have been obvious during the dating phase when he was on his best behavior.

+1 it’s a frog-boiling scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your best friend if she told you this?

I would tell them to leave. Being in it yourself creates a world of blinders/excuses that I’m ashamed have gotten to this point. I appreciate the honest feedback. It is what I needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

I swear to God I am going to lobby Jeff to immediately delete this idiotic response every time it comes up.

[Anonymous]

Op I’m in your situation minus the barking. Child diagnosed, husband refuses eval. I stay for now because while his behavior is terrible apparently he would still get 50/50 custody. The bar is shockingly low. I’d get your financial ducks in a row and work on yourself as you’re doing. I reiterate every timid my husband disrespects me that it is NOT OK. I just can’t imagine my younger children navigating this behavior alone. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

Wow. I would be out the door in a second.

[Anonymous]

...Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids;...

Everything in your post supports what your therapist said about your husband's behavior being abusive. This statement, though, out of all you said would be a deal-breaker for me.

As an adult, I make choices about what I will tolerate. Your kids have no choice so, as a parent, you are responsible for ensuring their health and well-being. Being mocked and demeaned by a patent is unacceptable. I can't overstate how damaging this is to your kids. Unless you are standing up for your kids when he does it, you are complicit in the abuse. That alone would lead me to divorce. You and your kids, especially, deserve better.

(Yes, my father did this to me and my siblings. It was so hurtful and damaging. I still can't understand why our mother didn't protect us.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

(Yes, my father did this to me and my siblings. It was so hurtful and damaging. I still can't understand why our mother didn't protect us.)

I’m a different poster, but this was my childhood too, and I think OP should know that the day may come when her children are angrier at her for her failure to protect them than they are at the abusive father.

I certainly got to that point, and then my mother cried ‘poor me’ for over a decade of estrangement from her only daughter, who had finally gotten fed up with coming home and being bullied and watching her mother sit and watch and say nothing ‘to keep the peace’ - at the expense of her children’s mental health.

Get your ducks in a row, give him an ultimatum and leave him if he refuses to get serious help to change. And tell your kids, in front of their sperm donor, that his behavior toward them and you is unacceptable and that you all deserve his apology whether he gives it or not. The older ones are old enough to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids;...

Everything in your post supports what your therapist said about your husband's behavior being abusive. This statement, though, out of all you said would be a deal-breaker for me.

As an adult, I make choices about what I will tolerate. Your kids have no choice so, as a parent, you are responsible for ensuring their health and well-being. Being mocked and demeaned by a patent is unacceptable. I can't overstate how damaging this is to your kids. Unless you are standing up for your kids when he does it, you are complicit in the abuse. That alone would lead me to divorce. You and your kids, especially, deserve better.

(Yes, my father did this to me and my siblings. It was so hurtful and damaging. I still can't understand why our mother didn't protect us.)

So you don’t like how AsD mocks his own young kids, among other things.

So you divorce him.

And then he gets 50% custody, totally unsupervised.

And that’s your solution??!? That’s the family court’s solution. Abusive dad or not. Mentally ill dad or not.