Would you seperate/divorce if your spouse treated you like this?

[Anonymous]

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. I recently started going to therapy to deal with ongoing issues in my marriage. DH will only go to couple's counseling if I drag him so I decided to go on my own. My therapist calls DH's behavior toward the kids and particularly me, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have been processing it all and am trying to determine how I've put up with it for so long, is it really emotional abuse, are my kids going to be ok, and should I leave now or try to wait until the kids are out of the house.

Here are some examples of DH's behavior- mocks/mimics the kids; if I bring up a serious topic he doesn't want to discuss, he'll accuse me of 'liking drama', or he'll accuse me of trying to ruin his night, or he'll get up and leave the room. He has also left me at restaurants multiple times, has shushed me if I bring up an emotional issue, and does a barking sound (in front of the kids) if he thinks I'm nagging. He's also emotionally shut off in general and takes his work stress out on us. We walk on eggshells. After reading other's experiences on here, I do think he has ASD but that is another topic. Right now I would just appreciate feedback from others who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who was emotionally/verbally abusive and what did you do?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I would divorce if someone barked at me. The research is clear -- display of contempt is the biggest predictor of failure in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

DH is a immature child

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but you and your children would be better off without that jerk.

Before you divorce make sure you have your ducks in a row.

Know all passwords
Make copies of all financials
Ie all important papers make a folder keep it somewhere outside of the house.

Do not search divorce or attorney on shared computers
Finances start buying some visa cards everytime you go to the grocery store they can not be traced.

[Anonymous]

I left when it got impossible to live next to him. I was told later that half his family is autistic. Still don't know if he was or not. He just kept telling me how he didn't know why he behaved like that, but that was after I had already left. He did things that hurt him, and family around him. No hobbies, no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left when it got impossible to live next to him. I was told later that half his family is autistic. Still don't know if he was or not. He just kept telling me how he didn't know why he behaved like that, but that was after I had already left. He did things that hurt him, and family around him. No hobbies, no friends.

OP here. This is the same with DH, drinks way too much, has very few friends, is not close with his family, no hobbies, and is resentful that I am social and have as many friends as I do.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

[Anonymous]

You and your kids deserve better. I’d divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but you and your children would be better off without that jerk.

Before you divorce make sure you have your ducks in a row.

Know all passwords
Make copies of all financials
Ie all important papers make a folder keep it somewhere outside of the house.

Do not search divorce or attorney on shared computers
Finances start buying some visa cards everytime you go to the grocery store they can not be traced.

This is good advice. Thankfully I'm the one who handles most of the finances. I do think he monitors me digitally though I don't have proof.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that's really outside of the norm and your kids are being raised to think it's an acceptable way to treat someone and to be treated by someone. I audibly gasped when I got to the part where you said he barks at you, like wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

He masked very well for a long time. When the drinking got worse, it became harder to mask. Believe me, I've been asking myself this question a lot though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

NP. These behaviors often get worse with age and with the stress of family life and kids. They wouldn’t have been obvious during the dating phase when he was on his best behavior.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would leave that person. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I do hope sex is not in play!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, why did you marry this man? He sounds like an A$$

NP. These behaviors often get worse with age and with the stress of family life and kids. They wouldn’t have been obvious during the dating phase when he was on his best behavior.

+1

I really wish people would stop asking this question. Obviously nobody sets out to marry someone who is emotionally abusive, and obviously everyone who does so regrets it.