If you were no longer interested in sex, what would you want spouse to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst days of my life was when my ex wife offered 1, 2 and 3.

What's wrong with Option 2? It's unfair to unilaterally impose celibacy on your partner if you've lost interest, but they have not without incurring resentment, and at least with an open marriage, you are honest about it from the start, so there's theoretically no breach of trust, and both partners are free to do the same thing. In theory, I like Option 2 because it seems to be the fairest solution.

I'm not saying options 1 or 2 are "wrong" in a moral sense but I wanted to have sex with my wife, not some other woman who was frustrated with her own husband. I felt like being offered those options meant that I wasn't loved, which was basically true. By then my ex wife loved me because I was a good provider and good father of her children. She didn't love me romantically. I get sad thinking about it. We were really great in the early years.

So there was a period of time that your relationship wasn’t sexless? Was she in agreement with the divorce?

The best sex of my life was with her, before we had kids, but she lost interest. She didn't want a divorce but she has a new partner now and probably has sex with him. I know he sleeps over because the kids told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends why and how long it’s been/can reasonably be expected to go. If I just gave birth or have cancer, you should suck it up for a while. If it’s just an unexplained lack of interest that’s been going on/discussed openly as an issue for years then divorce.

My wife put me in my place over this she had given birth and wasnt in the mood. I kept asking and asking.

The minimum time for abstaining from sex postpartum is six weeks, from a medical perspective.

Why did you keep asking and asking?

Idk to be honest but i went longer then 6 weeks acting the way i did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst days of my life was when my ex wife offered 1, 2 and 3.

What's wrong with Option 2? It's unfair to unilaterally impose celibacy on your partner if you've lost interest, but they have not without incurring resentment, and at least with an open marriage, you are honest about it from the start, so there's theoretically no breach of trust, and both partners are free to do the same thing. In theory, I like Option 2 because it seems to be the fairest solution.

I'm not saying options 1 or 2 are "wrong" in a moral sense but I wanted to have sex with my wife, not some other woman who was frustrated with her own husband. I felt like being offered those options meant that I wasn't loved, which was basically true. By then my ex wife loved me because I was a good provider and good father of her children. She didn't love me romantically. I get sad thinking about it. We were really great in the early years.

So there was a period of time that your relationship wasn’t sexless? Was she in agreement with the divorce?

The best sex of my life was with her, before we had kids, but she lost interest. She didn't want a divorce but she has a new partner now and probably has sex with him. I know he sleeps over because the kids told me.

She will probably pull the same thing with him after a little while. This likely had nothing to do with you and everything to do with your ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many years without. I said open marriage until kids are in college (because we would divorce then anyway). He said divorce. We are divorced.

So you were no longer interested in sex? Curious why not?

It was a bad marriage. He had low t. I have tons of sex divorced.

[Anonymous]

We had this issue for a while...my wife told me to take care of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had this issue for a while...my wife told me to take care of myself.

Your not alone my wife told me the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Accept the new normal. It’s not changing.
Remain faithful.
Don’t seek to talk about it.
Act as if nothing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Could also mean GFUTEB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d want my spouse to help me get interested in sex again! Meds, romantic dates, exercise, toys, new places, new positions….

Me too! How is this not one of the options?

[Anonymous]

I'd ask:

1. Be compassionate
2. Be self-reflective and not defensive
3. Don't act like my drive for sex is a personal offense
4. Do not be pouty about sex.
5. Read come as you are.
6. Acknowledge that since you are the one who wants change and wants me to do something, you need to put in just as much if not more effort into change as you expect me to.
7. Really and truly listen to what I have to say.
8. Do not have an affair.
9. Accept that there are ups and downs in marriage, just like I have accepted that there are ups and downs in marriage and I don't always get what I want.
10. Be a good partner; be kind, show non-sexual interest in me, complement me, don't prioritize work over me, make an effort to spend time with me.
11. If the situation persists for a long time (maybe six months if there were no obvious reasons for the lack of interest, but much longer if there were things like depression, medical issues, or little exhausting kids around), ask for a hall pass or an open marriage.

DH already knows if he wants a divorce he is free to do it and I won't stop him. We have kids so I wouldn't want that, but I'd rather him ask for a divorce that then him be pouty and miserable and demanding about sex for an extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask:

1. Be compassionate
2. Be self-reflective and not defensive
3. Don't act like my drive for sex is a personal offense
4. Do not be pouty about sex.
5. Read come as you are.
6. Acknowledge that since you are the one who wants change and wants me to do something, you need to put in just as much if not more effort into change as you expect me to.
7. Really and truly listen to what I have to say.
8. Do not have an affair.
9. Accept that there are ups and downs in marriage, just like I have accepted that there are ups and downs in marriage and I don't always get what I want.
10. Be a good partner; be kind, show non-sexual interest in me, complement me, don't prioritize work over me, make an effort to spend time with me.
11. If the situation persists for a long time (maybe six months if there were no obvious reasons for the lack of interest, but much longer if there were things like depression, medical issues, or little exhausting kids around), ask for a hall pass or an open marriage.

DH already knows if he wants a divorce he is free to do it and I won't stop him. We have kids so I wouldn't want that, but I'd rather him ask for a divorce that then him be pouty and miserable and demanding about sex for an extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d want my spouse to help me get interested in sex again! Meds, romantic dates, exercise, toys, new places, new positions….

Me too! How is this not one of the options?

No idea. Probably poor communication. Or so much rejection. Personally, I live in fear that if I nudge my husband he'll just opt for a divorce. Yes, it's living in fear. That everything I know and love can come crashing down because I pushed too much. So I suppress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends why and how long it’s been/can reasonably be expected to go. If I just gave birth or have cancer, you should suck it up for a while. If it’s just an unexplained lack of interest that’s been going on/discussed openly as an issue for years then divorce.

My wife put me in my place over this she had given birth and wasnt in the mood. I kept asking and asking.

you're a douchebag. She just gave birth, and you just kept asking and asking, putting more pressure on her? Ahole move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) DADT
2) open marriage
3) escorts
4) accept it
5) divorce
6) other?

What's your gender and your spouse's gender?

I'd expect him to get intimate with Rosie and her five sisters. But, no, he's not putting that peen in some other lady. He's MINE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask:

1. Be compassionate
2. Be self-reflective and not defensive
3. Don't act like my drive for sex is a personal offense
4. Do not be pouty about sex.
5. Read come as you are.
6. Acknowledge that since you are the one who wants change and wants me to do something, you need to put in just as much if not more effort into change as you expect me to.
7. Really and truly listen to what I have to say.
8. Do not have an affair.
9. Accept that there are ups and downs in marriage, just like I have accepted that there are ups and downs in marriage and I don't always get what I want.
10. Be a good partner; be kind, show non-sexual interest in me, complement me, don't prioritize work over me, make an effort to spend time with me.
11. If the situation persists for a long time (maybe six months if there were no obvious reasons for the lack of interest, but much longer if there were things like depression, medical issues, or little exhausting kids around), ask for a hall pass or an open marriage.

DH already knows if he wants a divorce he is free to do it and I won't stop him. We have kids so I wouldn't want that, but I'd rather him ask for a divorce that then him be pouty and miserable and demanding about sex for an extended period of time.

Number five (5) from the list above refers to the excellent book:

“ Come as You Are, a New York Times Bestseller, by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. “