If you were no longer interested in sex, what would you want spouse to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) DADT
2) open marriage
3) escorts
4) accept it
5) divorce
6) other?

What's your gender and your spouse's gender?

I'd expect him to get intimate with Rosie and her five sisters. But, no, he's not putting that peen in some other lady. He's MINE.

OK - but would you call that situation “fair?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask:

1. Be compassionate
2. Be self-reflective and not defensive
3. Don't act like my drive for sex is a personal offense
4. Do not be pouty about sex.
5. Read come as you are.
6. Acknowledge that since you are the one who wants change and wants me to do something, you need to put in just as much if not more effort into change as you expect me to.
7. Really and truly listen to what I have to say.
8. Do not have an affair.
9. Accept that there are ups and downs in marriage, just like I have accepted that there are ups and downs in marriage and I don't always get what I want.
10. Be a good partner; be kind, show non-sexual interest in me, complement me, don't prioritize work over me, make an effort to spend time with me.
11. If the situation persists for a long time (maybe six months if there were no obvious reasons for the lack of interest, but much longer if there were things like depression, medical issues, or little exhausting kids around), ask for a hall pass or an open marriage.

DH already knows if he wants a divorce he is free to do it and I won't stop him. We have kids so I wouldn't want that, but I'd rather him ask for a divorce that then him be pouty and miserable and demanding about sex for an extended period of time.

Number five (5) from the list above refers to the excellent book:

“ Come as You Are, a New York Times Bestseller, by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. “

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could also mean GFUTEB

What's that mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends why and how long it’s been/can reasonably be expected to go. If I just gave birth or have cancer, you should suck it up for a while. If it’s just an unexplained lack of interest that’s been going on/discussed openly as an issue for years then divorce.

My wife put me in my place over this she had given birth and wasnt in the mood. I kept asking and asking.

you're a douchebag. She just gave birth, and you just kept asking and asking, putting more pressure on her? Ahole move.

Lesson learned i am not having sex because of my actions.

[Anonymous]

I would just like to point out that the same people who don't have sex with their spouse are often the ones who also cheat. Goes with the territory that they don't really understand the marriage contract from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) DADT
2) open marriage
3) escorts
4) accept it
5) divorce
6) other?

What's your gender and your spouse's gender?

I'd expect him to get intimate with Rosie and her five sisters. But, no, he's not putting that peen in some other lady. He's MINE.

It would be my hand aswell if you asked my wife lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just like to point out that the same people who don't have sex with their spouse are often the ones who also cheat. Goes with the territory that they don't really understand the marriage contract from the start.

Currently not having sex i will admit alot of masturbating but not cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the worst days of my life was when my ex wife offered 1, 2 and 3.

What's wrong with Option 2? It's unfair to unilaterally impose celibacy on your partner if you've lost interest, but they have not without incurring resentment, and at least with an open marriage, you are honest about it from the start, so there's theoretically no breach of trust, and both partners are free to do the same thing. In theory, I like Option 2 because it seems to be the fairest solution.

I'm not saying options 1 or 2 are "wrong" in a moral sense but I wanted to have sex with my wife, not some other woman who was frustrated with her own husband. I felt like being offered those options meant that I wasn't loved, which was basically true. By then my ex wife loved me because I was a good provider and good father of her children. She didn't love me romantically. I get sad thinking about it. We were really great in the early years.

So there was a period of time that your relationship wasn’t sexless? Was she in agreement with the divorce?

The best sex of my life was with her, before we had kids, but she lost interest. She didn't want a divorce but she has a new partner now and probably has sex with him. I know he sleeps over because the kids told me.

She will probably pull the same thing with him after a little while. This likely had nothing to do with you and everything to do with your ex wife.

I'm sure it has SOMETHING to do with me. Things eventually turned into a death spiral. She was so cold that I became cold too after a while.

On the other hands she told me she had zero interest in sex with anyone or alone. So you may be partially right.

Now that I've started dating other divorced women, i know that sexual interest can ebb and flow to a degree that makes little sense to me as a man. One woman who had six orgasms with me in one night said she went three years without having a single orgasm. Another woman said she went five years. Another woman said she went one year. No men.
No orgasms. My own sexual interest varies too, but not like that. (I've also met women who do what it takes to get their needs net no matter what, and if that involves a few very short term situations with some guys in their twenties or thirties, or some other guys who have nothing in common with them, that's a price they pay without regret.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) DADT
2) open marriage
3) escorts
4) accept it
5) divorce
6) other?

What's your gender and your spouse's gender?

I'd expect him to get intimate with Rosie and her five sisters. But, no, he's not putting that peen in some other lady. He's MINE.

OK - but would you call that situation “fair?”

Is any situation "fair"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just like to point out that the same people who don't have sex with their spouse are often the ones who also cheat. Goes with the territory that they don't really understand the marriage contract from the start.

Currently not having sex i will admit alot of masturbating but not cheating.

By your choice or theirs? If yours figure out why. Stop making someone live a life like this with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) DADT
2) open marriage
3) escorts
4) accept it
5) divorce
6) other?

What's your gender and your spouse's gender?

You two can seek medical and behavioral help to sort it out. If its not a big deal for you and you love them and your family, accept it. If you are a woman buy a vibrator or if a man, masturbate. Its all about your priorities, there is no one size fits all answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd ask:

1. Be compassionate
2. Be self-reflective and not defensive
3. Don't act like my drive for sex is a personal offense
4. Do not be pouty about sex.
5. Read come as you are.
6. Acknowledge that since you are the one who wants change and wants me to do something, you need to put in just as much if not more effort into change as you expect me to.
7. Really and truly listen to what I have to say.
8. Do not have an affair.
9. Accept that there are ups and downs in marriage, just like I have accepted that there are ups and downs in marriage and I don't always get what I want.
10. Be a good partner; be kind, show non-sexual interest in me, complement me, don't prioritize work over me, make an effort to spend time with me.
11. If the situation persists for a long time (maybe six months if there were no obvious reasons for the lack of interest, but much longer if there were things like depression, medical issues, or little exhausting kids around), ask for a hall pass or an open marriage.

DH already knows if he wants a divorce he is free to do it and I won't stop him. We have kids so I wouldn't want that, but I'd rather him ask for a divorce that then him be pouty and miserable and demanding about sex for an extended period of time.

Ha. I know it’s a big wall of text but in the grand scheme of marriage, those things are either a) not big asks or b) things partners should be doing anyway.

And my husband did them all and our sex life is back on track. It can be done.

Also, I did a lot too. I tried everything and I’m sure that I put in much more effort to get interested in sex than he did to help the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could also mean GFUTEB

What's that mean?

Gluten Free Uterus That Eats Bread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could also mean GFUTEB

What's that mean?

Gluten Free Uterus That Eats Bread.

It's a funny way of saying "yeast infection".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just like to point out that the same people who don't have sex with their spouse are often the ones who also cheat. Goes with the territory that they don't really understand the marriage contract from the start.

Overgeneralization.