Does anyone regret NOT being a SAHP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could do it, especially now that they are in elementary school. I feel very stretched and as parenting moves from keeping them alive to emotional support and helping them become good people, that feels like more of a negative for them. We need my income though.

Do you really miss out on a significant period of time everyday with them though now that they are in school full time and maybe even activities after school?

School is 170 days. There are still 100 days of no school that are not weekends.
After school is 3-7pm. If you get your errands and cooking etc. done during the school hours, you are present and not frazzled after school and can engage in a quality way with your kids
I have done both, and I much prefer SAHM. It works best for our family and DH’s and my sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone that thought I might regret it. I really struggled with going back to work in a way I didn't expect with my oldest and it frankly persisted for awhile. I even took almost a year of maternity leave with my second and then was part time for a little. Now that the kids are later elementary I'm starting to feel really solid in not fully stepping out. For all the reasons others have said. The long daycare days is what got me too, like another poster said but I think I did a pretty good job mitigating that while keeping my career intact. We usually find reasons to feel good about the decisions we make But just speaking as someone who really considered it and kind of wanted to, I don't regret not doing it now that I'm farther along.

Also, I will add with more life experience i have come to really see the risks of leaving. I've had some family members and friends be in really tough financial situations because of deaths, divorce, etc. in part because they had not been working for a long time.

I thought maybe I wrote this! I ended up reducing my hours to 30 a week to make my kids time at daycare shorter. I know that’s not an option for everyone but I am so thankful my work accommodated it for me.

Not regrets but I feel a little sad over the summer. Camps are kind of a lot for one of my kids. But I remember being bored a lot during summers with my SAHM. My kids have it fairly good I think. Trying to swing an extra week of leave this summer so they only have to do 6 weeks of camp.

I do regret not taking longer maternity leaves. In retrospect if I had asked I probably could have gotten a year off with each kid and we could have afforded it. I was too afraid to ask - I took what was the max I’d heard of anyone taking and tried to be grateful. But if I could have had another 6 months home with each baby- wow I’d give a lot for that.

Aw I’m the pp and we sound so similar! I also do struggle a little with the summer. Since we sound like kindred spirits I thought I’d share that we have found having a college student “nanny” for 5-6 weeks over the summer to take the kids to swim practice and be able to do swim team as a main activity to be a great fit for my kid that camp was also a lot for and for me to feel like they get that freedom of summer a little. Then the rest of the time we fill with grandparents, vacation, leave and a camp here and there. College students are easy to find in my experience and many are ok with a shorter time in the summer because they also want time off.

And yes so hard to ask for the maternity leave! I had a hard time with this too but did ask for more than I’d ever heard of anyone taking, really only because my supervisor encouraged me when I brought up I might want a longer leave with my second. It would have been so hard otherwise but really encourage anyone younger reading this to do it if it is something you want because it helps others be able to ask too! That was one of my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I have no regrets. I stayed home with my one child for 2 1/2 years and then transitioned her to half-day Montessori preschool with an afternoon nanny. I went back to work, and while I have never recovered completely from the hiatus, I am proud of my accomplishments and proud to be supporting my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could do it, especially now that they are in elementary school. I feel very stretched and as parenting moves from keeping them alive to emotional support and helping them become good people, that feels like more of a negative for them. We need my income though.

Do you really miss out on a significant period of time everyday with them though now that they are in school full time and maybe even activities after school?

I generally am home by 5:30 but it means we really hustle to get them to activities (which I think are important so I do) and our home is generally pretty hectic. In addition, my job requires a ton of mental energy and I’m exhausted at the end of the day so I feel like they get the worst of me some days. I know a ton of people do it, tiny violin and all that, but if I had a magic wand I’d remove some stress and working less or not at all seems like an obvious way to do that.

[Anonymous]

I always wanted to be a stay at home parent but my income isn’t insignificant to our family and lifestyle.

I have a 5yo and a 2yo and it still hurts. I don’t know if I “regret” not being a sahp, because my income makes significant lifestyle factors attainable for my kids, but the choice still hurts, and I still feel sad that my husbands income alone isn’t enough for the things we want. Whether that feeling is entitled or not I don’t know, but it’s how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to be a stay at home parent but my income isn’t insignificant to our family and lifestyle.

I have a 5yo and a 2yo and it still hurts. I don’t know if I “regret” not being a sahp, because my income makes significant lifestyle factors attainable for my kids, but the choice still hurts, and I still feel sad that my husbands income alone isn’t enough for the things we want. Whether that feeling is entitled or not I don’t know, but it’s how I feel.

I relate to this. I’m a single parent by choice (and not independently wealthy) so I knew going in that I wouldn’t be able to stay at home but every time I have a long break, I realize don’t miss work in the least and would love to not have to go back. But I’m not day to day unhappy or anything — I like my job and it’s flexible/accommodating to last minute leave or having me work with a sick kid at home. But in a perfect world where I magically didn’t need the money I make? I would stay home in an instant.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I was a teacher, so it really didn’t make sense for me to go to work and pay for childcare for three kids. I waited to go back to work once my youngest was in kindergarten. Even then, I went part time. I really enjoyed my time home with my kids, and have no regrets. They are young for such a short amount of time.

[Anonymous]

I cut back to part-time and am so glad to have done that! It kicked our ass financially and we have a decent ambient of debt as a result. Kids are in college and we’re still digging out. I still feel it was important for me to be available through teen years.

What I would do differently was to have kept my hand in more work and or worked toward a more flexible career.

Good luck. None of this is easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone that thought I might regret it. I really struggled with going back to work in a way I didn't expect with my oldest and it frankly persisted for awhile. I even took almost a year of maternity leave with my second and then was part time for a little. Now that the kids are later elementary I'm starting to feel really solid in not fully stepping out. For all the reasons others have said. The long daycare days is what got me too, like another poster said but I think I did a pretty good job mitigating that while keeping my career intact. We usually find reasons to feel good about the decisions we make But just speaking as someone who really considered it and kind of wanted to, I don't regret not doing it now that I'm farther along.

Also, I will add with more life experience i have come to really see the risks of leaving. I've had some family members and friends be in really tough financial situations because of deaths, divorce, etc. in part because they had not been working for a long time.

I thought maybe I wrote this! I ended up reducing my hours to 30 a week to make my kids time at daycare shorter. I know that’s not an option for everyone but I am so thankful my work accommodated it for me.

Not regrets but I feel a little sad over the summer. Camps are kind of a lot for one of my kids. But I remember being bored a lot during summers with my SAHM. My kids have it fairly good I think. Trying to swing an extra week of leave this summer so they only have to do 6 weeks of camp.

I do regret not taking longer maternity leaves. In retrospect if I had asked I probably could have gotten a year off with each kid and we could have afforded it. I was too afraid to ask - I took what was the max I’d heard of anyone taking and tried to be grateful. But if I could have had another 6 months home with each baby- wow I’d give a lot for that.

Aw I’m the pp and we sound so similar! I also do struggle a little with the summer. Since we sound like kindred spirits I thought I’d share that we have found having a college student “nanny” for 5-6 weeks over the summer to take the kids to swim practice and be able to do swim team as a main activity to be a great fit for my kid that camp was also a lot for and for me to feel like they get that freedom of summer a little. Then the rest of the time we fill with grandparents, vacation, leave and a camp here and there. College students are easy to find in my experience and many are ok with a shorter time in the summer because they also want time off.

And yes so hard to ask for the maternity leave! I had a hard time with this too but did ask for more than I’d ever heard of anyone taking, really only because my supervisor encouraged me when I brought up I might want a longer leave with my second. It would have been so hard otherwise but really encourage anyone younger reading this to do it if it is something you want because it helps others be able to ask too! That was one of my thoughts.

PP you responded to and thank you!! Now that I’m older and more senior I always try and emphasize to younger women they should ask for what they want. Men do!!! And it might be a more senior role or more money but if it’s a different schedule or a longer maternity leave go for that. I look back at my younger self and wish I could tell her that as a high performer who always got her work done she had earned the right to ask for what she wanted. I hope I can teach my daughter better.

Summer is so hard because camp and activities work great for my oldest. She’s hugely extroverted and social. That was fine when my younger one was in year round daycare but the little one would do better with more time at a chiller setting. But I am WAH and my DC will not stay with a babysitter while I’m in the house. They are just now getting to the point that they will not fight being watched by my husband. They go to school ok but I guess home = Mommy. I hope it gets better as DC gets older…

[Anonymous]

It's the best thing I ever did. Kids turned out well. I got to see them grow up. Zero regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to be a stay at home parent but my income isn’t insignificant to our family and lifestyle.

I have a 5yo and a 2yo and it still hurts. I don’t know if I “regret” not being a sahp, because my income makes significant lifestyle factors attainable for my kids, but the choice still hurts, and I still feel sad that my husbands income alone isn’t enough for the things we want. Whether that feeling is entitled or not I don’t know, but it’s how I feel.

+1, except my kids are older now and the feeling hasn't gone away. I went into my marriage with the shared understanding that an equal partnership meant both parents would work and attempt to divide parenting and domestic duties equitably. DH pulls equal weight for sure, but I was unprepared for how sad I would feel returning to work. It never really gelled for me and I never feel I have enough capacity for work or parenting, and I feel I missed out on so much of my kids' young lives. I also know that my DH would never be comfortable being the sole breadwinner. We are always at an impasse because I could quit and add to his stress, or continue to work as intended and make do as always. So that's what I keep doing.

Like pp said, the choice still hurts. I wish I had known myself better or picked a more flexible partner sometimes, but there's much to be grateful for in my life, and my kids are doing well.

[Anonymous]

I did scale back my corporate career to be closer to home and have more flexibility but I have no regrets about not being a SAHP. I had an Ivy MBA and I didn’t want to waste the skills I had developed. I did my best to be there when my children needed me and I believe I was a good role model for my daughters and my son. If I had stayed the corporate route and my kids were messed up I’m sure I’d feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Op, I have three ES aged kids at home, and I’m quitting to be a SAHP. I regret not doing it earlier.

When I first had kids, I couldn’t imagine not working and being a SAHP. I loved my kids but I got (and get) a lot from my work. I am also fairly accomplished in my career and I appreciate that I am considered an expert in my area. My professional self is a big part of my identity, and this will be a big change for me.

But I love spending time with my kids, especially as they get older. And it sucks feeling stretched and stressed to balance a good career and being a good parent.

DH makes a good salary (and has for years) so I realized that the extra money my salary provides is no longer worth it to not spend more time with my kids.

I will also say that if I had known I was going to be a SAHP we would likely have a 4th child. I stopped at 3 becasue I couldn’t imagine balancing a full time job with 4 young kids - three was a manageable but 4 seemed to me to be the tipping point, so I stopped becasue I didn’t see myself being a SAHP.

I will also say my kids are very excited about me being a SAHP. I haven’t been able to go on field trips or volunteer, or other things at their school because, while I have some flexibility, the opportunities are usually only offered a couple of weeks in advance and my work calendar fills up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to be a stay at home parent but my income isn’t insignificant to our family and lifestyle.

I have a 5yo and a 2yo and it still hurts. I don’t know if I “regret” not being a sahp, because my income makes significant lifestyle factors attainable for my kids, but the choice still hurts, and I still feel sad that my husbands income alone isn’t enough for the things we want. Whether that feeling is entitled or not I don’t know, but it’s how I feel.

+1, except my kids are older now and the feeling hasn't gone away. I went into my marriage with the shared understanding that an equal partnership meant both parents would work and attempt to divide parenting and domestic duties equitably. DH pulls equal weight for sure, but I was unprepared for how sad I would feel returning to work. It never really gelled for me and I never feel I have enough capacity for work or parenting, and I feel I missed out on so much of my kids' young lives. I also know that my DH would never be comfortable being the sole breadwinner. We are always at an impasse because I could quit and add to his stress, or continue to work as intended and make do as always. So that's what I keep doing.

Like pp said, the choice still hurts. I wish I had known myself better or picked a more flexible partner sometimes, but there's much to be grateful for in my life, and my kids are doing well.

Similar feelings and ages. I’m sad I picked a partner who thinks he can’t support a family on 500k. He’s made it clear I’m expected to work AND be a mother with little regard for the fact I’m not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not at all. Spouse died unexpectedly and I was able to provide for the family with no problem.

Honey, that’s what life insurance is for. When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Life insurance doesnt fund the rest of your life, honey.