I hate who I am becoming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom drives me a little crazy when she is just visiting. I would lose my mind in your situation. I would send her to live in a facility nearby and visit. Think about it this way - would you want to ever put your kids through this? Most of us wouldn't. Whatever resentment you are feeling now is only going to increase. My 80 year old MIL wants to move in with us, but DH and I will not let her. It would ruin our marriage. When someone starts requiring you to stay up all night with them, it's time for a nursing home.

is a night nurse out of the question? I know its still a lot of noise but being able to check in at end of day, say good night and then have breakfast take care of would be the best solution? I know its a lot of yelling in the middle of the night from experience but we were stuck all being in the same bedroom level, if it was a basement or living room level, that would be ideal. especially stick some sound panels in your own room.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, that is awful - I'm so sorry.

Good for you for getting the respite month lined up! That's huge. And you should absolutely use that month to figure out a long term plan that is NOT your mother coming home. There may be staff at the facility that can help you think that through (but don't broadcast that until your mother is in there.)

While she's there have an evaluation done of her ability to care for herself. Have them evaluate whether she is safe to discharge to live alone and if not - what kind of support they think she would need to be discharged. Then you can see where the gap is between what she needs and what you can (realistically) provide. It will be important to weigh the health and wellbeing of your family every bit as heavily as the health and wellbeing of your mother.

It does not sound to me like she can live with you. She needs round the clock support if she can't manage toileting, she needs psychiatric support and/or medication for the type of hallucinatory/altered symptoms you're describing, and she is a risk for injury in the middle of the night - especially if you have a home w/ stairs.

You will have to be painfully honest about the limitations of your home and capabilities but that is the way to best ensure her safety and your health.

Safety trumps everything so first get her into a safe space. Then, focus on how much safer she is there than in your house, and where she can be longterm. But first get her in there!!!

[Anonymous]

Op here, thank you all. I really appreciated your kind words and your perspective. I was in a dark and bleak place. The next day I called around for respite care and eventually found a lovely place for her that was clean, safe and most importantly kind and caring. She died a week after moving. I don’t know if the move hastened her timing, but what I can see now with distance and time is that she was very near the end. I still feel the weight of some of that guilt, but it’s starting to ease. I was so deep in, that I couldn’t see the full picture. Thank you again for offering perspective, permission and support.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, may she rest in peace.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you all. I really appreciated your kind words and your perspective. I was in a dark and bleak place. The next day I called around for respite care and eventually found a lovely place for her that was clean, safe and most importantly kind and caring. She died a week after moving. I don’t know if the move hastened her timing, but what I can see now with distance and time is that she was very near the end. I still feel the weight of some of that guilt, but it’s starting to ease. I was so deep in, that I couldn’t see the full picture. Thank you again for offering perspective, permission and support.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Lose that guilt, you took excellent care of her and found somewhere that could also take excellent care of her. She may have been waiting to get out of your house to take her last breath. Lots of stories of terminal patients waiting until their loved ones weren’t around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you all. I really appreciated your kind words and your perspective. I was in a dark and bleak place. The next day I called around for respite care and eventually found a lovely place for her that was clean, safe and most importantly kind and caring. She died a week after moving. I don’t know if the move hastened her timing, but what I can see now with distance and time is that she was very near the end. I still feel the weight of some of that guilt, but it’s starting to ease. I was so deep in, that I couldn’t see the full picture. Thank you again for offering perspective, permission and support.

OP, my heart goes out to you and your family. May her memory be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP she is not your baby, and unlike a baby, this is going to get worse, not better, and it could last years and years, not 6 months. You are a human being and you deserve to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom for years but this past year she’s taken a terrible turn for the worse with her dementia and just general living skills. But the thing that is driving me, and my household, crazy is her inability to sleep through the night. Multiple times (3, 4, 5, 8) a night, the calling out, the searching for someone, the claims that she has nothing, that everyone has abandoned her, the inability to use the bathroom…. I haven’t slept through the night in so long and I am so grouchy and short tempered and unkind and just not the person I thought I was. I feel stripped of all the positive parts of me and all that is left is a grumpy shell. I’m still able to be kind to others, but I just can’t work that up for my mom anymore. It’s just a well of resentment and anger and honestly disgust. I’ve worked with her doctors on multiple drugs to help with sleeping, but none have worked. They have all had serious side effects or they’ve made no difference. Falling asleep is never a problem it’s staying asleep. I talked to two nursing homes and we’re going to do a 30 day respite at one, but I don’t want her to come back. Ever. I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I just can’t go back. I’ve made her cry with my callousness, and it makes me feel more like a terrible human being, but I can’t seem to change my attitude.

I just need a place to vent. No one in my friend’s group has gone through this yet. And I’m pretty sure they have no idea the soul crushing weight of guilt and hurt and poison and shame that I am not the person I thought I was.

I wish we could have coffee. I’m the same, but with my father. I’m not the same person anymore. I resent that so much. That’s the hardest part of all this. I get it. I see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you all. I really appreciated your kind words and your perspective. I was in a dark and bleak place. The next day I called around for respite care and eventually found a lovely place for her that was clean, safe and most importantly kind and caring. She died a week after moving. I don’t know if the move hastened her timing, but what I can see now with distance and time is that she was very near the end. I still feel the weight of some of that guilt, but it’s starting to ease. I was so deep in, that I couldn’t see the full picture. Thank you again for offering perspective, permission and support.

Oh my, I didn’t see this and responded. I’m sorry did your loss. Grant yourself, if possible, some grace. Please release the guilt. The situation was not sustainable. You walked her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom for years but this past year she’s taken a terrible turn for the worse with her dementia and just general living skills. But the thing that is driving me, and my household, crazy is her inability to sleep through the night. Multiple times (3, 4, 5, 8) a night, the calling out, the searching for someone, the claims that she has nothing, that everyone has abandoned her, the inability to use the bathroom…. I haven’t slept through the night in so long and I am so grouchy and short tempered and unkind and just not the person I thought I was. I feel stripped of all the positive parts of me and all that is left is a grumpy shell. I’m still able to be kind to others, but I just can’t work that up for my mom anymore. It’s just a well of resentment and anger and honestly disgust. I’ve worked with her doctors on multiple drugs to help with sleeping, but none have worked. They have all had serious side effects or they’ve made no difference. Falling asleep is never a problem it’s staying asleep. I talked to two nursing homes and we’re going to do a 30 day respite at one, but I don’t want her to come back. Ever. I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I just can’t go back. I’ve made her cry with my callousness, and it makes me feel more like a terrible human being, but I can’t seem to change my attitude.

I just need a place to vent. No one in my friend’s group has gone through this yet. And I’m pretty sure they have no idea the soul crushing weight of guilt and hurt and poison and shame that I am not the person I thought I was.

I wish we could have coffee. I’m the same, but with my father. I’m not the same person anymore. I resent that so much. That’s the hardest part of all this. I get it. I see you.

OP here, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt the first night my mom was in respite care. If you have the resources to use it, it was less money than I imagined. About $300/day. Thats about the same as an aide for 8 hours which we’d been utilizing on the weekends. Just having the space to breathe and not be in charge of every aspect of every day was an enormous burden removed.

[Anonymous]

My dh's grandpa was just moved into a special home for patients with Alzheimer's. He is doing SO much better since moving in, getting the help he needs, and family members can relax well rested and knowing he is in good hands. Have you looked into this?

[Anonymous]

I’m so, so sorry, OP. It’s unbearably difficult to have that burden of that kind of demanding care, plus the erosion of the things that give you a sustaining feeling of love.

[Anonymous]

The mother who raised you and cared for you would not want this life for you.
During respite, as your head and emotions clear, perhaps the sad but best under the circumstances path will become clearer.
The current path is ruinous for you and can't be sustained. When you break, she has no care.
Don't wait until you break.