I hate who I am becoming

[Anonymous]

I’ve been caring for my mom for years but this past year she’s taken a terrible turn for the worse with her dementia and just general living skills. But the thing that is driving me, and my household, crazy is her inability to sleep through the night. Multiple times (3, 4, 5, 8) a night, the calling out, the searching for someone, the claims that she has nothing, that everyone has abandoned her, the inability to use the bathroom…. I haven’t slept through the night in so long and I am so grouchy and short tempered and unkind and just not the person I thought I was. I feel stripped of all the positive parts of me and all that is left is a grumpy shell. I’m still able to be kind to others, but I just can’t work that up for my mom anymore. It’s just a well of resentment and anger and honestly disgust. I’ve worked with her doctors on multiple drugs to help with sleeping, but none have worked. They have all had serious side effects or they’ve made no difference. Falling asleep is never a problem it’s staying asleep. I talked to two nursing homes and we’re going to do a 30 day respite at one, but I don’t want her to come back. Ever. I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I just can’t go back. I’ve made her cry with my callousness, and it makes me feel more like a terrible human being, but I can’t seem to change my attitude.

I just need a place to vent. No one in my friend’s group has gone through this yet. And I’m pretty sure they have no idea the soul crushing weight of guilt and hurt and poison and shame that I am not the person I thought I was.

[Anonymous]

You should never have moved her in and of course you don’t want her to come back.

We are not trained in elder care and the best gift we can give our children is to never put them in the position you are in.

[Anonymous]

You are not a terrible person, OP. You are a giving and generous one, and a wonderful daughter, to have cared for your mom for so long. That is an incredibly special gift. But her symptoms (and your own mental and physical exhaustion) are telling you that you need more help. There is no shame in making her team of caretakers larger, or in finding a facility that can better help keeping her safe and comfortable. You will still be taking care of your mom if she moves to a different place -- it's just that you won't be doing the minute-by-minute care. Which will free up more of your energy for being present in a patient, cheerful way.

Do it. It will be a gift for you both.

[Anonymous]

My mom drives me a little crazy when she is just visiting. I would lose my mind in your situation. I would send her to live in a facility nearby and visit. Think about it this way - would you want to ever put your kids through this? Most of us wouldn't. Whatever resentment you are feeling now is only going to increase. My 80 year old MIL wants to move in with us, but DH and I will not let her. It would ruin our marriage. When someone starts requiring you to stay up all night with them, it's time for a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I hope you can get some peace with the respite care.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford over night care, or put her in a home? Seems to me she's at the point where she needs round the clock care.

Do not feel guilty. My mother has dementia, but it's not too bad at the moment. Even so, my sister is the one having to deal with it all (I'm on the other side of the country, and I still have kids at home; sister is retired). My siblings and I have told her that if she gets to a point where she needs more care, then she will need to hire someone or find a home. We will all chip in to pay for it.

My MIL will need to be in a nursing home from now on. She's currently in the hospital. She's never going back to her own home. We know she wants to go live with her one unmarried daughter, but everyone feels that would be unfair for the her; too much work for one person to have a decent life.

I told my spouse that I never want to be such a burden to my children, and that I will put myself in a retirement home when I can no longer take care of myself.

Do not feel guilty. Everyone needs a respite.

[Anonymous]

For your health, you must find someplace other than your home to take her.

I had also been through a long stretch without proper sleep and am now reaping major health problems. I trace all of it back to my time when I thought it was okay that middle aged me wasn't getting a decent amount of sleep.

[Anonymous]

OP there is absolutely no way one person could handle it. She needs a team of people who take shifts. Give yourself some grace. You’re exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Everyone who moves their parent/spouse with dementia into a home thinks “I should have done that sooner.”

You don’t have to live like this, and your mom doesn’t really want you to either.

[Anonymous]

What can she afford? She needs to be in a Memory Care facility. She, also, will benefit. They have the right environment so it's a lot less stressful.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP i feel for you. That long without sleep - of course you are overwhelmed.

Is it possible to get nightly care even a few nights a week? A little bit more regular respite care? Longer term you will likely have to move her, but right now just getting a regular break could be enough to bring you back to an even keel.

[Anonymous]

She needs skilled nursing, OP. Don't feel guilty. Science failed us when it found a way to allow our bodies to outlive our minds. My mother has dementia like this and I cannot tolerate more than an hour around her. She's in memory care now and so much happier than when in assisted living. Move her out. You will both be happier.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope that if you could have a conversation in your head with your mom as she was before the dementia, she would tell you that she loves you and doesn't want you to sacrifice your life and your health to her needs.

You are the person you thought you were -- but you never trained for round-the-clock elder care, I'm guessing. Even professional staff who work in elder care don't do it round-the-clock -- they have shifts, and that's their job, and they're paid for it. You don't have any of those boundaries.

It's really time to get her professional, residential care, both for her sake and for yours. It's a sign of how much you love her and want what's best for her that you're taking the emotional and physical burden on yourself, but it's time to put those burdens down because you simply cannot carry them all by yourself.

[Anonymous]

My mom passed away last year from Alzheimer's and in the evening and overnight was in the sole care of my father. Nights were challenging for all of the reasons that you listed. We talked with her doctor and she was prescribed a medication to help her sleep which helped her be better rested and sleep at night vs napping all day; helped keep her safe; and helped my father maintain his own health to be able to care for her. I wish you health and a way forward.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the kindest woman I know- it is not an exaggeration to call her saintly- and she eventually found a memory care spot for my FIL with dementia. She’s from a culture where people don’t use nursing homes, but it turns out that there was an entire nursing home devoted just to people who speak their language and immigrated from the same place. This is a thing that people do- even people who say they would never do it- and it is ok!

OP, your mom cannot be taken care of properly if you get sick yourself. My MIL still goes every day to see him and care for him, but he also has a paid team of trained caretakers that can keep him safe at night so that she can sleep. You need to sleep and take care of yourself. I wish I could put my MIL on the phone so she could reassure you.