I don't understand people who do not love their family

[Anonymous]

You can love your family and live apart from them and have boundaries from them. I do.

You sound like you have enmeshment issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP. As an immigrant, it’s shocking to me how many Americans seem to hate their families.

Ms. Immigrant, do you live with your family? Likely they’re still back home. Why don’t you bring them over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and father raise you with so much love and care, putting their own lives hopes and dreams on hold to stay up with you all night, wiping your poop, paying for your clothes, watching loving you just as you are. Your siblings are people you were automatic best friends, and companions in this wild ride through life. You grew up together!

And then people grow up and want to move away from their parents and aren't close to their siblings...How?

How can any one else in the world replace this kind of love??

You must have done something wrong that you’re not telling us for your kids to dump you op.

I hope it gets better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and father raise you with so much love and care, putting their own lives hopes and dreams on hold to stay up with you all night, wiping your poop, paying for your clothes, watching loving you just as you are. Your siblings are people you were automatic best friends, and companions in this wild ride through life. You grew up together!

And then people grow up and want to move away from their parents and aren't close to their siblings...How?

How can any one else in the world replace this kind of love??

You’re joking right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP. As an immigrant, it’s shocking to me how many Americans seem to hate their families.

Ms. Immigrant, do you live with your family? Likely they’re still back home. Why don’t you bring them over?

💯. My mom (an immigrant) idealized hee family to help us “fall in line”. As an adult I visited extended family only to learn that they were all dysfunctional AF and hated each other. Sure they all lived together but that was about it

[Anonymous]

So your kids are estranged from you, OP. Got it. What kind of abuse did you subject them to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP. As an immigrant, it’s shocking to me how many Americans seem to hate their families.

There are cultural norms about supporting families, helping parents with young kids, "it takes a village"-style community structures, and other forms of social support in other cultures that the US doesn't have and it shows.

It's not a child's job to unfsck that. You're not required to love people who abused you just because someone else's better-structured culture says family is important.

Healthy family relationships are a two-way street, at least. And honestly? That's not enough for families with kids. It takes a community effort to raise a child, and the US went the way of stand-alone "every man for himself" culture.

We had all that as a culture, but threw them away. And most of the people on this forum are the ones who promote "every man for himself" even down to within the nuclear family when you "drop the rope." Support in the community came from living in the same town as your family and life-long friends. It came from stay-at-home moms who could run clubs and activities for kids, and be there for neighborhood kids who were playing outside. It came from churches and other fraternal organizations which "sophisticated" people have dropped. Even the attitudes here toward in-laws, etc. are shocking, but then people complain about how they "don't have support" when they want a baby-sitter. It is interesting that so many people unhappy with their own upbringings are the ones flocking to the "Family Relationships" forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a recent immigrant, from a South or East Asian culture?
Asking because you sound just like my parents who told us everyday how we should appreciate their sacrifices in raising us, buying our clothes and feeding us, ensuring we had a good education, changing our diapers.

But they did not love us as we were.
They neglected us emotionally.
Both were verbally abusive, criticizing constantly. Respect was not in their vocabulary.

I was mom’s helper from a young age. I have a vivid memory of being alone at home around age 7 or 8 scrubbing the floors on my hands and knees. I was cold in the house so I turned up the thermostat. Had no idea how high but it warmed up. My mom yelled at me when she returned home with my sibs, why was I wasting electricity?

My father molested me when I was 12 during a time when my mom had returned to home country for a 3 month vacation. She didn’t make arrangements for who to turn to if we needed a mom. I remember getting my period and not having access to any pads.

I was asked to work in my father’s business from age 13. He was horribly horribly verbally abusive. I fantasized about running away from home constantly. When I was 16, I attempted suicide.

None of my sibs are close. We weren’t loved but made to feel guilty for being a burden on our parents. My family is made up of friends who care about me in a way my parents and siblings do not. I have a DS, I was determined to break the cycle of abuse and have managed to raise a loving and respectful young man who’s now 19. I have several degrees, have been fairly successful professionally but being able to overcome what I experienced to be a much better parent than my parents were is my greatest accomplishment.

Op, does this give you any insight?

I am so sorry that happens to you. You, like every child, deserved so much better. It sounds like you have a lot of clarity about your childhood. Breaking a cycle of abuse like that is an amazing achievement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP. As an immigrant, it’s shocking to me how many Americans seem to hate their families.

'Seem to' is right. I'm an immigrant and there was nothing more important for my parents than to raise independent children who get the heck out of the house at 18. I went to boarding school at 15 and moved away to US at 18.
I was pleased to see the world and I'm sure they were pleased I made it to adulthood. Leaving them has nothing to do with love or not loving them. They love and worry about me but doesn't mean I need to be up their butt all the time. Also, we didn't live in a competitive world where families had to stick together. Everyone got a good education and a chance for good life.
My sister followed me to US. How is this not love?
We don't hang out, but we are here for each other.
I have a very sad story about 'family only". Most people also need friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and father raise you with so much love and care, putting their own lives hopes and dreams on hold to stay up with you all night, wiping your poop, paying for your clothes, watching loving you just as you are. Your siblings are people you were automatic best friends, and companions in this wild ride through life. You grew up together!

And then people grow up and want to move away from their parents and aren't close to their siblings...How?

How can any one else in the world replace this kind of love??

You need to read this

The Missing Missing Reasons

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP. As an immigrant, it’s shocking to me how many Americans seem to hate their families.

There are cultural norms about supporting families, helping parents with young kids, "it takes a village"-style community structures, and other forms of social support in other cultures that the US doesn't have and it shows.

It's not a child's job to unfsck that. You're not required to love people who abused you just because someone else's better-structured culture says family is important.

Healthy family relationships are a two-way street, at least. And honestly? That's not enough for families with kids. It takes a community effort to raise a child, and the US went the way of stand-alone "every man for himself" culture.

We had all that as a culture, but threw them away. And most of the people on this forum are the ones who promote "every man for himself" even down to within the nuclear family when you "drop the rope." Support in the community came from living in the same town as your family and life-long friends....

We 're GP and US culture has not thrown anything away. I met numerous for work transplants to the DMV and because of job opportunities many have local adult children and GC. Those and people who grew up here participate in helping with GC from periods of full time assistance to being the baby sitters on call. Within the USA people have relocated for jobs or better opportunities for hundreds of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and father raise you with so much love and care, putting their own lives hopes and dreams on hold to stay up with you all night, wiping your poop, paying for your clothes, watching loving you just as you are. Your siblings are people you were automatic best friends, and companions in this wild ride through life. You grew up together!

And then people grow up and want to move away from their parents and aren't close to their siblings...How?

How can any one else in the world replace this kind of love??

You don’t sound intelligent, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Oh, FFS. Not everyone was raised “with love and care.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and father raise you with so much love and care, putting their own lives hopes and dreams on hold to stay up with you all night, wiping your poop, paying for your clothes, watching loving you just as you are. Your siblings are people you were automatic best friends, and companions in this wild ride through life. You grew up together!

And then people grow up and want to move away from their parents and aren't close to their siblings...How?

How can any one else in the world replace this kind of love??

My parents were selfish, self centered and horribly abusive. They didn’t consider my siblings humans, just objects that didn’t have thoughts or feelings.

[Anonymous]

My parents don’t approve of my spouse or my parenting and cannot spend five minutes with me in casual conversation without bringing this up and giving me the list of why I’m wrong, he’s wrong, our kids are wrong, etc. that they compile. I have told them it’s a little late for that but I do limit my time with them for this reason.