Not invited

[Anonymous]

Were your siblings and their families invited?

So the parent of the groom who is your cousin - it sounds like their siblings were invited. That sounds normal and not exclusionary to you since you are not part of that family.

How many different families do you have on that side? One of your parents was the sibling of the parent of your cousin. How many siblings did your parent have?

[Anonymous]

As everyone else has pointed out, that sounds hurtful to feel left out.

I have to say that your cousin is not immediate family, not to mention your cousin’s son. And since your son is more like an acquaintance to the groom, that is probably why your family was not invited. The groom wants a wedding with only people who are dearest to them, and you’re not part of this group. This isn’t your cousin’s wedding—it’s your cousin’s son’s wedding. And you are not so close to your cousin that the cousin would feel the need to demand that you need to be included in the wedding.

I agree with OP that you suspect you feel closer to them than you are because you’re an only child. Well, you now know exactly where you are in their eyes. If you want to continue holidaying with them, go for it, but know that they are more like friends as opposed to close friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, I can see that this is hurtful.

I would take the high road and move on and send them a card of congratulations.

I get that they came to your house for Thanskgiving, but likely they are young adults tagging along with their parents. My mom had a cousin that she was super close to, and that cousin did host the larger family every year for Xmas Eve -- but to me, she was just a kind woman I saw 1-2x a year. It would have been shocking for my mom to exclude her from something, but that closeness and relationship didn't really extend down to the next generation.

Wedding invites can be frought, conversations on this board provide a ton of evidence to support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I would have taken major offense. Tell your cousin that the newly weds will no longer be invited to your house.

The problem is not that the young couple do not have the budget to include you, because that can actually happen. The problem is that your cousin has not stepped up and offered to pay for three more relatives since they have low earning loser for an adult child.

This. Out of all the first cousins once removed, to be the only one excluded is hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Are you MAGA? Are they? Have you said anything that might be offensive to the other engaged person's family of origin (something about their race, religion or place of origin)? As a host, are you hypercritical of how events are hosted, food served, decor, manners and protocol? Could they just be jerks? Could it be financial or space constraints?

[Anonymous]

Are there other “first cousins once removed” that are invited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

Oh I did reach out to the parents. The response I got was that "the young couple are paying for the wedding". I could feel my cousin was uncomfortable. So it was OK for the young couple to be at my house many times but apparently we are not good enough for the wedding.

Goodness you need a little lesson on manners, OP. Demanding a wedding invite is terrible

I did not demand an invitation. I wanted to understand what we have done wrong. Like I said before, if you don't feel close to us, if we are not your family, why do you come to our events?

Because you invite them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

Oh I did reach out to the parents. The response I got was that "the young couple are paying for the wedding". I could feel my cousin was uncomfortable. So it was OK for the young couple to be at my house many times but apparently we are not good enough for the wedding.

Goodness you need a little lesson on manners, OP. Demanding a wedding invite is terrible

I did not demand an invitation. I wanted to understand what we have done wrong. Like I said before, if you don't feel close to us, if we are not your family, why do you come to our events?

Seems a little dramatic to go fishing around why you weren’t invited in the hopes of scoring an invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

Oh I did reach out to the parents. The response I got was that "the young couple are paying for the wedding". I could feel my cousin was uncomfortable. So it was OK for the young couple to be at my house many times but apparently we are not good enough for the wedding.

Goodness you need a little lesson on manners, OP. Demanding a wedding invite is terrible

I did not demand an invitation. I wanted to understand what we have done wrong. Like I said before, if you don't feel close to us, if we are not your family, why do you come to our events?

Because you invite them?

You sound like a boor.

[Anonymous]

I would also be hurt. It sounds like for whatever reason the cousin's son or soon to be wife don't like you or your family. They do the holidays because they feel obligated because of their parent. Then your cousin doesn't feel like they can force their kid to invite you since they aren't paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there other “first cousins once removed” that are invited?

This is the key question OP has yet to clarify.

If there are ten first cousins once removed to the groom and OP was the only one not invited, that sucks.

If the "cousins" OP keeps referring to are OP's cousins but the groom's aunts and uncles, that's an entirely different story.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be upset too. But now you are educated.

Your cousins' kids view you as a peripheral member of their parent's family - not their own family. You may have seen yourself in the role of an aunt to them but they didn't.

Lesson learned? You do not need to invite this young ADULT couple to future holiday gatherings. Don't expect them to invite you to any of their events either.

Benefits? You do not need to send a shower, wedding, baby, etc. gifts.

When talking with your cousins, offer a polite inquiry as to how their kids are doing but don't offer, ask or expect anything more.

[Anonymous]

I can totally understand young people, paying for a wedding, getting stressed out about the number of invites, but this is a good idea of why sometimes it’s better to shift a venue or downsize the meal/flowers etc to make sure that everyone you care about can come. Better to have a more low key lunch time/DJ wedding than an evening/band wedding if it means you don’t have the funds to invite the couple that hosted you for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

*good reminder not good idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

Oh I did reach out to the parents. The response I got was that "the young couple are paying for the wedding". I could feel my cousin was uncomfortable. So it was OK for the young couple to be at my house many times but apparently we are not good enough for the wedding.

Goodness you need a little lesson on manners, OP. Demanding a wedding invite is terrible

I did not demand an invitation. I wanted to understand what we have done wrong. Like I said before, if you don't feel close to us, if we are not your family, why do you come to our events?

You’ve got to be kidding? I’ve never heard of anyone groveling for an invitation. Very unbecoming. Try the act of being gracious.