Not invited

[Anonymous]

I am an only child, my mother had several siblings, so I grew up close to my cousins. Or so I thought. Even as adults, we frequently hung out with each other, celebrated major holidays together, even went on vacations together. Most recently all of my cousins were at my place for Thanksgiving, with all of their families.

I have just found out that one of cousin's children is getting married, wedding is in March, and no, I am not invited. No bad blood between us, I know the groom quite well, he and my DS are friendly. I'd get it if all of our cousins were not invited for cost-saving reasons, but no, it's just me and my family. Apparently others knew about this wedding for a few weeks now. Apparently I wasn't supposed to find out until AFTER this happened, one of the other cousins accidentally let it slip that she was buying a dress for the wedding.

I am hurt, I am upset. DH thinks I should have a conversation with the groom and find out what happened.

[Anonymous]

First off, I am very sorry that this happened to you. Very sad! However, weddings are rough - people often have limited guest lists. I would probably feel hurt myself & also would not feel as close to my relatives. But, try not to take it too personally. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

[Anonymous]

Weddings are stressful. Just be gracious and leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this case I would try to figure out why because that seems like such a selective and personal exclusion. Can your mom poke around? I would probably go to the cousin and just be really open and say 'I just found out about Larla and Tom's wedding and that we seem to be the only people not invited. I'm not angry but I'm a little confused and hurt and mostly want to understand why because I thought we all had a good relationship. Did something happen?'

So they aren't on the defensive about the wedding and you can just get to the meat of the matter.

Oh I did reach out to the parents. The response I got was that "the young couple are paying for the wedding". I could feel my cousin was uncomfortable. So it was OK for the young couple to be at my house many times but apparently we are not good enough for the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are stressful. Just be gracious and leave it alone.

Hosting holidays is stressful too yet I never bow out.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. This sounds like a classic "you thought you were closer than you are" type deals. Always hurtful. It sounds like it will be a small wedding and they've likely prioritized immediate family and close friends, and your cousin's child doesn't see you as either.

[Anonymous]

That sucks OP but honestly if they all came to your place for Thanksgiving I think you ARE close to them.

They are paying for the wedding themselves. Maybe there are space contraints. How many first cousins once removed (that is what you are to the groom) do they have? Maybe they just don't have room. Maybe the bride's parents have fifty first cousins so they decided not to invite parents' first cousins.

Don't blow up your relationship over this.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. That's rude to invite other cousins and not the one who has them for Thanksgiving. If it was all so above board they they wouldn't have tried to keep it secret. Your cousin should have told you from the onset that the guest list was going to be limited.

Unfortunately, not much you can do about it that wouldn't be petty. But you're certainly entitled to your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP but honestly if they all came to your place for Thanksgiving I think you ARE close to them.

They are paying for the wedding themselves. Maybe there are space contraints. How many first cousins once removed (that is what you are to the groom) do they have? Maybe they just don't have room. Maybe the bride's parents have fifty first cousins so they decided not to invite parents' first cousins.

Don't blow up your relationship over this.

OP said the other cousins were invited. I would absolutely cross off that portion of the family

[Anonymous]

Are all of the other cousins who are invited the siblings of the groom's parents? Do you have siblings who were invited even though you were not? Just trying to figure out why they singled you out? Because I agree it does seem very odd to not invite you and not even mention it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are all of the other cousins who are invited the siblings of the groom's parents? Do you have siblings who were invited even though you were not? Just trying to figure out why they singled you out? Because I agree it does seem very odd to not invite you and not even mention it.

Groom's uncle (cousin's brother) is invited and so are other cousins. Overall it's 12 people PLUS their kids. My family is the only one not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are stressful. Just be gracious and leave it alone.

This type of thing rarely offends me and if it does I get over myself. I try to take the high road as much as possible. I would use it as info that we aren't as close as I thought and if you ever need to trim a guest list, you know who to trim, but beyond that I would not sweat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. That's rude to invite other cousins and not the one who has them for Thanksgiving. If it was all so above board they they wouldn't have tried to keep it secret. Your cousin should have told you from the onset that the guest list was going to be limited.

Unfortunately, not much you can do about it that wouldn't be petty. But you're certainly entitled to your feelings.

This. Don't know what is going on OP, but I would also feel hurt. Especially the part about not being supposed to find out until after the wedding itself.

I would wait until after the wedding and try to ask one of the other cousins (not the grooms parents) what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weddings are stressful. Just be gracious and leave it alone.

Hosting holidays is stressful too yet I never bow out.

I know it hurts, but you now know you are not as close as you thought. It doesn't mean they don't like you and don't enjoy your company, but it's a different level of closeness than you thought. If you host holidays because you think it's the right thing to do for family, but it just gets you stressed out, then stop. If there are people you truly enjoy hosting, just have them from now on. Do you want them to offer you an invite now out of obligation? I would just downgrade them on your list. I would not blow up the whole connection, but just expect less and only do things with them that bring you joy.