Is anyone stressed about having to clean out parents home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I worry about it. They live far away and it would take months to go through everything. I am pretty ruthless about tradhing stuff but they collect antiques and clocks, so that part is hard to just throw out.

I think in this circumstance I would research (on the downlow) companies or auction houses that are local to the parents that focus on the things they collect. Set their numbers aside so that you’ve already done the “homework” and it’s ready to go when you need them.
When the parent passes, you’ll be too emotional and in grieving process to want to spend time looking into these things so that’s the piece you can do in advance. Know who you are going to call and what service they perform for what price. Then you’ll feel ready to set everything in motion when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

I’ve done this three times and my advice is:

1. Don’t try to get them to declutter. They will find it hurtful and offensive if you ask.
2. Let go of the idea their stuff is “worth something”. It almost certainly isn’t, and isn’t worth your time to try and get every penny for it.

Some exceptions exist, like my crazy FILs giant gun collection that was worth a lot, but things your parents think “should” be valuable heirlooms (furniture, china) really nobody wants it.

With that in mind, the process goes quickly if you hire Got Junk to take the big stuff like furniture and you take most of the rest to Goodwill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ours laugh about it. They said if we really want that inheritance, we have to clean out their houses. I get their point and it really is a non issue.

Inlaws collect expensive antiques like furniture, crystal, massive 6' vases, art. Sigh. My parents like to buy classic cars (like 100k Corvettes) instead of stocks or gold. FFS. I wish people stuck to investments that could easily be liquidated. I'm sure both sets know how much their things are worth, but it's hard for a non collector.

What's so fun about collecting stocks or gold?

[Anonymous]

I did this in two parts and two ways.
First , before I really understood my mom was sliding into dementia I went out there (she lived on the west coast) and saw how much more cluttered her home was after Covid. I hired a dumpster abd spent a week tossing items. Took a ton to Salvation Army. Meanwhile I hired an organizer to help with her office etc because she was so overwhelmed with paperwork and that task really distracted her from the junk I tossed (like 100 gross sticky Tupperware’s, 25 year old party supplies etc). I did this in part because she had fallen and I told her all the stuff she had everywhere was unsafe and a tripping hazard (she agreed I could organize/rearrange for this reason).

Over that year I realized her issues were really cognitive, she got in several minor accidents , and even with a more organized home and help she wasn’t keeping up with bills, maintaining things (and I also began to discover just how much money she had lost to scammers). She agreed to move closer to me so I went out again and hired an estate company that handled everything, sold and donated and trashed. I went through the stuff with them and kept. Few boxes of things but the rest went away. It was hard letting go of things she had inherited , from Asian antiquities to the incredible handmade Italian lace tablecloths from 1900 and lots of art (we sold a few pieces at auction) but what am I going to do with it all? I kept a few small things as did my brother…We netted enough money to pay for the move. The only thing I regret is not having more time to deal with the art. One piece went to auction with a 1000-1500 estimate and sold for 19k which makes m me wonder about the pieces we sold at the estate sale for 200$ but hopefully they will have a good life in a new home.

Looking back I think she agreed to this all because she was losing her cognitive skills and started becoming really passive. Most older people become more difficult so I am grateful she was relatively open. I will say that she was completely unable to make any decisions whatsoever (even clothes to bring for the first weeks), which was part of her decline. With some older folks it’s just far too overwhelming to even contemplate so either you do it now or you di it when they move to assisted living , have a crisis or die.
.

[Anonymous]

Not me- I will do this after they are gone. We went through it with my grandparents homes. I can’t imagine asking them to throw away the lives while they’re still living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have myself a year to empty out my parents house (250 miles from where I live). It took 5 commercial sized dumpsters. I did most of the work myself (donated clothing and furniture to charities) and hired junk haulers for the heavy stuff (which I left for last). Doing a little bit at a time made it not so overwhelming. Also, be realistic as to what to “keep.” It’s not easy throwing away photos and memories but it’s not practical to save it all. Even having done all this, I am still renting two storage units to keep 60 years worth collectibles until I can figure out what to do with them.

Do you watch that storage wars show? People miss payments due to some credit card mix up or similar, and all their stuff is auctioned off for $50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me- I will do this after they are gone. We went through it with my grandparents homes. I can’t imagine asking them to throw away the lives while they’re still living.

I was listening to a podcast that discussed how people resize at various times in their lives eg living in a dorm in college, working overseas, moving across the country, serving in the military, getting married etc, and that retirement and aging is another change.

Having too much stuff may be stopping older people from moving to a smaller more convenient/safer type of accommodation such as a condo where they don't have too worry about maintenance, the garden and stairs. That is an important reason to consider downsizing rather than being anchored to an inappropriate sized house being used as expensive storage for stuff they no longer use.

Also it gives the senior control over giving stuff to relatives while they are alive rather than having heirs fight over it when they are dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am, but it's not just the house, it's two barns as well.

I would remind yourself there are companies you can hire to do this work. Take a deep breath! It's okay. You don't have to do this alone.

They're not necessarily going to be capable of doing what you want them to do, even if they wanted to. The loss of energy and decision-making ability is real, even if they seem cognitively okay during your visits. And it's really not worth wrecking a visit fighting over it-- you won't win, because they're not capable of doing what you want them to.

I would start by taking out of the house anything that actually belongs to you or your DH. Any old childhood stuff, stuff that's in storage, etc. Get that gone. Then, anything that's belonging to a sibling. Take it out of the house and give your sibling a reasonable amount of time to come get it, FedEx it to them, or you trash it. Then, see what your elders are willing to part with, and make it easier for them by offering an (imaginary) perfect recipient and doing the legwork yourself. Yes, your hoard of recyclable margarine containers will be PERFECT for my friend who is an elementary school art teacher! She will be so thrilled! Oh the joy those children will feel. Like that.

This is brilliant. Thank you. My parents are very upset to think I'll take stuff and throw it out but they do like the idea of perfect recipients (imaginary or not)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not me- I will do this after they are gone. We went through it with my grandparents homes. I can’t imagine asking them to throw away the lives while they’re still living.

I was listening to a podcast that discussed how people resize at various times in their lives eg living in a dorm in college, working overseas, moving across the country, serving in the military, getting married etc, and that retirement and aging is another change.

Having too much stuff may be stopping older people from moving to a smaller more convenient/safer type of accommodation such as a condo where they don't have too worry about maintenance, the garden and stairs. That is an important reason to consider downsizing rather than being anchored to an inappropriate sized house being used as expensive storage for stuff they no longer use.

Also it gives the senior control over giving stuff to relatives while they are alive rather than having heirs fight over it when they are dead.

This is very rational and true, and just not something my parents have ever been able to contemplate. They have been anchored to their house by stuff and memories since my childhood.
They talk a lot about their eventual death, their LTC insurance etc, but cannot envision moving out before their deaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am, but it's not just the house, it's two barns as well.

I would remind yourself there are companies you can hire to do this work. Take a deep breath! It's okay. You don't have to do this alone.

They're not necessarily going to be capable of doing what you want them to do, even if they wanted to. The loss of energy and decision-making ability is real, even if they seem cognitively okay during your visits. And it's really not worth wrecking a visit fighting over it-- you won't win, because they're not capable of doing what you want them to.

I would start by taking out of the house anything that actually belongs to you or your DH. Any old childhood stuff, stuff that's in storage, etc. Get that gone. Then, anything that's belonging to a sibling. Take it out of the house and give your sibling a reasonable amount of time to come get it, FedEx it to them, or you trash it. Then, see what your elders are willing to part with, and make it easier for them by offering an (imaginary) perfect recipient and doing the legwork yourself. Yes, your hoard of recyclable margarine containers will be PERFECT for my friend who is an elementary school art teacher! She will be so thrilled! Oh the joy those children will feel. Like that.

Finding the right place to donate is a huge barrier, for me included. Really, it doesn't matter if something goes to the women's shelter or your kid or Goodwill or freecycle or the trash can or to someone who going to sell it on ebay, but people can face inertia trying to do the "right thing". Getting it out the front door is the important thing.

I love this podcaster https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/2014/03/my-changing-view-of-stuff-and-value/

[Anonymous]

My parents downsized a lot when they retired but my in-laws are a different story. My MIl doesn’t throw anything away. She owns over 300 pairs of shoes but can barely walk. I was helping her go through some stuff and she had this chunk of granite, which she said was an ashtray given to her father for a construction job he had done in the 1960s but she wanted to keep it. She has hundreds of boxes of junk like this. DH will be no help because he’s an even worse hoarder and likely won’t let me get rid of her things when she passes. I’m contemplating divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve done this three times and my advice is:

1. Don’t try to get them to declutter. They will find it hurtful and offensive if you ask.
2. Let go of the idea their stuff is “worth something”. It almost certainly isn’t, and isn’t worth your time to try and get every penny for it.

Some exceptions exist, like my crazy FILs giant gun collection that was worth a lot, but things your parents think “should” be valuable heirlooms (furniture, china) really nobody wants it.

With that in mind, the process goes quickly if you hire Got Junk to take the big stuff like furniture and you take most of the rest to Goodwill.

I agree with most of this, especially the part about thinking their stuff is worth something. Even people with wealthy parents find those collections are not worth much especially when you take into account fees associated with an auction house, etc.

For me personally it was a great source of relief I tried to get them to take responsibility for their clutter. I also tried to get the siblings to help and let them know what could happen. Then, when you have to hire a place and your parents are devastated they didn't get to gift certain things and your sibling is throwing a fit because he had his eye on certain things, you did your best to prevent this and there is no guilt. When the crisis happens or the death happens you don't want to be wasting time deciding who gets what and catering to siblings who want things shipped to them unless you are a person of leisure with a nanny, a maid and endless help so you have nothing but time to do this. In my case it did get them to do a little downsizing with my help, but I did have to putt back because and try to get them to hire someone to help them declutter because I had no time to deal with the obsessiveness over an item covered in cob webs that we found on shelf in a dark corner of the basement, but is apparently beloved.

[Anonymous]

My parents had, fortunately, moved from my childhood home to a somewhat smaller retirement home so they at least had done one big clean out at that time. Still, after 15 years the new house acquired an awful lot of stuff. When my dad died, my mom moved in with my sister and she sold the house. The way we handled the stuff was us three siblings visited at the same time and picked out things we wanted to have (that were not going with Mom), helped her consolidate all the photos, documents, etc. She moved the things she wanted to my sister's (mainly bedroom furniture, a favorite chair, and clothing/personal items) and then my sister hired an estate sale company that liquidated the whole place. The only valuable thing was their golf cart, most of the rest was garage-sale level. I think Mom broke even on it -- basically the company takes their fee out of the sale and you pay anything not covered by that. I think there was some kind of revenue split for any amount after the fee was covered. It was a lot easier than doing it ourselves.

So, I agree with PPs, all you can do now is research estate sale companies. Or if it's really hoarder level, probably needs a different kind of service. And, ask your parents to let you know where they keep important documents.

[Anonymous]

I've cleaned-out a small apartment and a large home and the mental/emotional energy needed is similar. The emotional toll is what you remember far longer

[Anonymous]

You might need to wait until they start declining cognitively and or start having multiple falls. Make sure you get power of attorney and once they are in a position where they can’t really do much about it that’s when you start to get rid of stuff.