How to broach asking for a family members eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I think you assume this would be a tidy situation if she said yes, there are so many potential pitfalls for the future.

What if the child has special needs? Even though nobody’s “fault” you may feel resentful of your sister.

What if the child is a superstar genius or athlete? Your sister might feel resentful because her kids aren’t.

When it comes to biology, it can be quite difficult to separate logic from emotion. We used donor gametes and while we considered asking relatives, I am 10000% glad we didn’t.

This. Or, imagine something even more mundane one afternoon you just lose your cool with your three-year old and your sister is standing there watching you with a look on your face that you can’t interpret.

Or, your sister and your DH start agreeing on all kinds of child-related issues, and you are sitting their wondering if they think of little Larla as “their” kid.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with these people saying not to ask or just say something like you’re considering egg donation. You guys will get past it if the asking is weird, but if you never ask you’ll always wonder.

[Anonymous]

Ask during breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t agree with these people saying not to ask or just say something like you’re considering egg donation. You guys will get past it if the asking is weird, but if you never ask you’ll always wonder.

I don’t know. It is an enormous thing to ask, and I don’t think I would assume it’s easy or even possible to get past.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she has frozen eggs and not frozen embryos?

[Anonymous]

I think for at least some people, your question could come across as “Give me one of your potential children” (as someone said upthread), which is about as palatable as “Can I borrow your husband” or “Your eggs are interchangeable spare parts, I want to access them”

Whatever the case, I think you need to make it so that she thinks it’s her idea to offer, and don’t presume they are available to you. If anything you say might offend her, whether it’s because she feels you are cornering her, or she can’t believe how entitled you’re being, she may react with anger/horror and that is not likely to lead to a yes. Seeming extremely desperate is also not good. It’s such a sensitive topic, I would really think carefully about your language if you’re going to approach her about this.

I’d also think through why you think it would be better to take one of your sister’s eggs instead of going through a donor, and whether you would put these rationales to her, and whether you think she would be receptive to them. Not at all saying these are your reasons, but for example “Because you already have them ‘ready’ so it would be easier” or “Because it would be cheaper than going through the egg donor process” would not be good reasons, because they dehumanize her and discount the money, physical pain, stress, time, and effort she put in to make this investment for her own future and family planning.

I’m sorry you’re going through infertility. It’s a rough and demoralizing road. I don’t know your family dynamics, but please don’t alienate yourself from your family during a time that you need support. Please accept your sister’s support in whatever form she is able to give it, knowing that it might not be a gift of one of her eggs. Wishing you the best of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she hasn’t offered, the only thing you can do is mention you are considering donor eggs and let her connect the dots. I would not ask. It could cause a permanent rupture.

This. And bear in mind there are manylegal issues involved which might make a family member loath to do this. I wouldn't. Too many potential issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

Girl no one has to give their eggs away to be considered “reliable” as a sister

Seriously that person is nuts. And I don’t believe she’s the sister, I think she’s the infertile one.

I was thinking they were single, childless and had never gone through fertility treatment. So it’s all a hypothetical exercise to them and therefore very easy to say yes

[Anonymous]

I would just ask them directly if this is something they would consider. In my situation, I asked my sister if this is something she is willing to consider and emphasized that I do not want to put any pressure on her to make a decision one way or another. I also told her that I do not want to do this if she is not confident about the decision or worries that she might regret it later. Give her some time (maybe a few months) to think about it before giving a final answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she hasnt specifically mentioned that she plans to donate the eggs she had frozen, then it’s very presumptuous of you to assume they are available for the asking.
Imagine if this were vehicles instead of eggs. If your sister has four cars and she drives two but kept two in the garage, you wouldn’t ask her if you could have one or buy one, would you??? No, of course not. Now—if she said “I’m about to go sell one of my cars that’s been in the garage” and you wanted to be considered as a potential buyer, then it makes sense to speak up. Common sense.
And that’s just cars.
With eggs, it’s a lot more emotional and they are genetically connected.
This is a bad idea, OP.

If you really feel the need to ask, at least ask as a hypothetical like “have you ever considered egg donation?” Or “someone asked the other day if I had ever asked you about being a donor and I told them we’d never talked about it. Do you think it’s weird crust we haven’t talked about that before?” Then if she doesn’t take the cue to ask more questions or offer, you will know she doesn’t want any part of this. Let her take the graceful exit without feeling like you’ve cornered her.

Y’all are so weird. I’d totally ask my brother about buying one of the cars hanging out in his garage!

OP, I never discussed infertility with my in laws, but after we’d been married several years, my sister in law made it known to me through family members I’m closer to that she’d be willing to carry a baby for us. (She had 4.) Anyway, our issue wasn’t getting staying pregnant, but getting pregnant. Regardless, she had no idea what it was, but made it known to me what she’d been thinking about and what she was willing to do. Frankly, I really appreciated that. And I appreciated that it was indirectly done.

I agree about broaching the subject with your mom or someone else. You might be pleasantly surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine had my mom ask me. The answer was no regardless but if your family isnt messy maybe that’s an avenue

Not the OP, but why was your answer no? Knowing what I know now about infertility I wouldn't hesitate to help my sibling if I had one.

Sure, you think that now. But you don’t have a sibling and you don’t know how you’d feel watching your child grow up under the care of someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

You don’t ask. Too messy for everyone involved…most significantly, the kid.

[Anonymous]

Was hoping this was bumped for an update from OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this!

From a perspective of someone on the other side, unless she is incredibly clueless and insensitive then I guarantee you she’s thought about it but decided against offering. Watching a family member deal with infertility makes you think, man, is there anything I can do to help? But for many women it is still way too weird to think about someone else raising your genetic child. I know for me I’d feel really uncomfortable knowing I was the kids biological mom and I’d be scrutinizing every parenting decision my SIL made. And this is exactly why I haven’t offered!

There are people who totally feel differently but I think they’d have offered by now.

I wish you lots of luck and hope this isn’t offensive in any way!

I agree with all of this. I don't think I could donate eggs to a stranger but I am 100% sure I could not donate eggs to a family member. I would really want to help, but I just could not watch a family member raise my biological child. I know there are people who would feel totally different about it--but I agree with PP that such a person likely would have offered.