How to broach asking for a family members eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she has frozen eggs and not frozen embryos?

Either way it’s just some cells.

What’s the big deal here? She isn’t going to use them so why not share with OP?

[Anonymous]

Dont do it op.

[Anonymous]

If you do not ask, you will never know.

[Anonymous]

Did she freeze eggs or embryos? It would be weird to unfreeze one egg at a time and fertilize it. Usually you unfreeze and fertilize the whole batch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she has frozen eggs and not frozen embryos?

Either way it’s just some cells.

What’s the big deal here? She isn’t going to use them so why not share with OP?

Because her husband becomes involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she hasn’t offered, the only thing you can do is mention you are considering donor eggs and let her connect the dots. I would not ask. It could cause a permanent rupture.

This. And bear in mind there are manylegal issues involved which might make a family member loath to do this. I wouldn't. Too many potential issues.

I ended up being very happy I did not use my brother in law's sperm for male factor issues of my husband. I won't get into why.

[Anonymous]

My sister asked and I said no. I could never see this child as anything but "my kid". It's a good thing I said no because I have discovered she is a narcissist. Can you imagine being estranged from your biological child? Luckily she had her own child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she hasnt specifically mentioned that she plans to donate the eggs she had frozen, then it’s very presumptuous of you to assume they are available for the asking.
Imagine if this were vehicles instead of eggs. If your sister has four cars and she drives two but kept two in the garage, you wouldn’t ask her if you could have one or buy one, would you??? No, of course not. Now—if she said “I’m about to go sell one of my cars that’s been in the garage” and you wanted to be considered as a potential buyer, then it makes sense to speak up. Common sense.
And that’s just cars.
With eggs, it’s a lot more emotional and they are genetically connected.
This is a bad idea, OP.

If you really feel the need to ask, at least ask as a hypothetical like “have you ever considered egg donation?” Or “someone asked the other day if I had ever asked you about being a donor and I told them we’d never talked about it. Do you think it’s weird crust we haven’t talked about that before?” Then if she doesn’t take the cue to ask more questions or offer, you will know she doesn’t want any part of this. Let her take the graceful exit without feeling like you’ve cornered her.

Huh??? I would totally ask about buying a car.

I would also ask about eggs.

I'm reminded of a friend who needed money for freezing her eggs- when she finally asked her brother - he said yes and was more than happy to support her in this. I realize that it is just money in that case not eggs but still - if you don't ask you will never know.

I would consider going to one of those fertility therapists rather than listening to random people on DCUM (I had to see one before I could proceed with IVF with donor sperm) to discuss this and ways to ask. Any donation will likely require you and your sister to see one anyways and it might be a good way to discuss issues involved in this, and best ways to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she has frozen eggs and not frozen embryos?

Either way it’s just some cells.

What’s the big deal here? She isn’t going to use them so why not share with OP?

Many (most?) people see it as their baby, not “just a bunch of cells”.

[Anonymous]

Just go ahead and ask but understand no is a complete sentence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she hasnt specifically mentioned that she plans to donate the eggs she had frozen, then it’s very presumptuous of you to assume they are available for the asking.
Imagine if this were vehicles instead of eggs. If your sister has four cars and she drives two but kept two in the garage, you wouldn’t ask her if you could have one or buy one, would you??? No, of course not. Now—if she said “I’m about to go sell one of my cars that’s been in the garage” and you wanted to be considered as a potential buyer, then it makes sense to speak up. Common sense.
And that’s just cars.
With eggs, it’s a lot more emotional and they are genetically connected.
This is a bad idea, OP.

If you really feel the need to ask, at least ask as a hypothetical like “have you ever considered egg donation?” Or “someone asked the other day if I had ever asked you about being a donor and I told them we’d never talked about it. Do you think it’s weird crust we haven’t talked about that before?” Then if she doesn’t take the cue to ask more questions or offer, you will know she doesn’t want any part of this. Let her take the graceful exit without feeling like you’ve cornered her.

Huh??? I would totally ask about buying a car.

I would also ask about eggs.

I'm reminded of a friend who needed money for freezing her eggs- when she finally asked her brother - he said yes and was more than happy to support her in this. I realize that it is just money in that case not eggs but still - if you don't ask you will never know.

I would consider going to one of those fertility therapists rather than listening to random people on DCUM (I had to see one before I could proceed with IVF with donor sperm) to discuss this and ways to ask. Any donation will likely require you and your sister to see one anyways and it might be a good way to discuss issues involved in this, and best ways to proceed.

Yea, financial support is entirely different. Many of us who have said there is no way we could do this, would gladly offer financial help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think you assume this would be a tidy situation if she said yes, there are so many potential pitfalls for the future.

What if the child has special needs? Even though nobody’s “fault” you may feel resentful of your sister.

What if the child is a superstar genius or athlete? Your sister might feel resentful because her kids aren’t.

When it comes to biology, it can be quite difficult to separate logic from emotion. We used donor gametes and while we considered asking relatives, I am 10000% glad we didn’t.

This. Or, imagine something even more mundane one afternoon you just lose your cool with your three-year old and your sister is standing there watching you with a look on your face that you can’t interpret.

Or, your sister and your DH start agreeing on all kinds of child-related issues, and you are sitting their wondering if they think of little Larla as “their” kid.

Any of these would be an interesting premise for a novel. Or if there ended up being kids the same age who were competing directly for something...

I'm sorry to make light of it, op, that sounds like a really tough place to be. I would recommend writing down a big list of potential pros and cons like the ones above and think seriously about how you'd feel in those scenarios. The potential pitfalls feel huge to me, but only you know your relationship and both of your temperaments.

[Anonymous]

It’s a clump of cells. What’s the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a clump of cells. What’s the big deal?

Repeating this and bumping the thread isn’t convincing anyone.

[Anonymous]

I was in this position many years ago. My sister is younger so it seemed like a good idea. She did NOT want to do it but hesitated to say no. The doctor said no.
There were bad feelings but they faded and our relationship mended.
It turned out we had genetic issues that revealed themselves later in life, so DE worked out better for us.
But having raised my kids I think there would have been many awkward moments. Comparisons, different parenting styles, boundary issues. I think it would have been complicated and led to many bad feelings. Sister and I changed a lot over the years — we are just so different now also.