How to broach asking for a family members eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine had my mom ask me. The answer was no regardless but if your family isnt messy maybe that’s an avenue

I was going to suggest this. Mom could bring it to sister as if it were her idea to gauge the reaction. But if the relationship is fraught it wouldnt work.

NP—just my opinion, but to me, involving a parent brings a level of pressure and almost coercion into it. If your mom asks, can your sister honestly express her feelings, and would your mom ask once and be done, or try to talk her into it?

If your sister knows about your journey and hasn’t offered, that’s probably your answer; I’m sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

No, you absolutely don't ask.

[Anonymous]

We opted to use anonymous donor eggs. Both my sisters have 3 kids that were all conceived easily and we are all very close but we didn’t want to introduce any awkwardness into the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I was asked by a sister and said no. They ended up adopting and that has been their success story for a happy family. Glad I said no though as I don’t like the way she parents and would have had a hard time seeing my bio child brought up like that. It also seems way too weird to me personally as the baby would have been me plus my BIL having a child together and I didn’t feel like I could be removed enough mentally.

[Anonymous]

I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

[Anonymous]

I would not ask. I have gone through fertility treatments and wrested with the ultimate decision to thaw / discard our frozen embryos once our family was complete. I also know multiple people who have used donor eggs. There is a reason you have to meet with a psychologist before you proceed to donor eggs. There is a lot to consider beyond just getting a baby you so desperately want. It sounds like you aren’t very close to your sister. I don’t think that’s a good foundation to introduce complex emotions into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

Girl no one has to give their eggs away to be considered “reliable” as a sister

[Anonymous]

Do not ask. I am dealing with infertility, so I am on your team. But do not ask. Do not put people on the spot. Share with her that you're researching donor eggs to see if that is an option for her. Let her lead the conversation from there.

[Anonymous]

I thought about offering to be a donor for my sister. This was early on before they found out the issue was with her husband’s fertility. They ended up adopting.

This is to say that maybe your sister has thought about it but hasn’t offered because she doesn’t want to offend you, or thinks you should make the first move if there’s going to be a discussion.

I like the suggestion of saying you’re looking into donor eggs (as long as you really are - not just hers), and see how the conversation goes.

People are so different when it comes to what they’re ok with. Like my sister and her husband were ok with a full biological child, or adopting, but not a bio child of only 1 of them. Personally l think l would be ok with a donor but most of us don’t really know how we’ll feel about these things for certain until we go through them.

[Anonymous]

While I think you assume this would be a tidy situation if she said yes, there are so many potential pitfalls for the future.

What if the child has special needs? Even though nobody’s “fault” you may feel resentful of your sister.

What if the child is a superstar genius or athlete? Your sister might feel resentful because her kids aren’t.

When it comes to biology, it can be quite difficult to separate logic from emotion. We used donor gametes and while we considered asking relatives, I am 10000% glad we didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she hasn’t offered, the only thing you can do is mention you are considering donor eggs and let her connect the dots. I would not ask. It could cause a permanent rupture.

This. Don’t ask. If she wanted you to have them, she would have offered. This is incredibly personal for most people and I cannot imagine someone else raising my child, especially when I was close enough to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

The fact that you’d write off people’s serious concerns like this means you are the kind of person I’d never want around my child. What a nasty and entitled comment.

[Anonymous]

I think the only way to approach this is directly. Be prepared to hear "no".

[Anonymous]

Don’t ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this for my sister - it wouldn't be an issue. I would easily and happily say yes, and I don't even have eggs already retrieved and in storage. I'm sorry some of you don't have sisters you can count on

Girl no one has to give their eggs away to be considered “reliable” as a sister

Seriously that person is nuts. And I don’t believe she’s the sister, I think she’s the infertile one.