Who initiates?

[Anonymous]

Early in marriage, it was me (wife). Now, many decades and menopause later, it's spouse (husband)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do… I’m a horny middle aged woman and need it!

+1

[Anonymous]

My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.

I would say that every time a married woman initiates it’s because she feels guilty and/or is trying to be a good wife.

I have been reading a little about responsive desire in women, and it’s seemed obvious to me. What I didn’t understand until I thought about it is that men never think about sex this way.

DH never initiates sex unless he is already turned on. I know that I’m not going to be turned on until 13.5 minutes into foreplay, so I initiate out of something like guilt or a desire to be a good wife.

I think that’s why men sometimes turn down their wives when they suggest something. The men aren’t turned on right then in that moment, and they don’t think about sex in terms of trying to be a good and giving partner. I think this is why it’s kind of painful to be turned down as a married woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

She doesn’t “want it.” She thinks that happily married couples should be having sex x number of times every week. You guys aren’t doing that. It’s your job to make sure that it happens and you are slacking off.

That’s why she’s pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

She doesn’t “want it.” She thinks that happily married couples should be having sex x number of times every week. You guys aren’t doing that. It’s your job to make sure that it happens and you are slacking off.

That’s why she’s pissed.

Absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

Dude. This was your “Fair Play” card. She thought she was lobbing you a softball and you whiffed it.

No wonder she get’s pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

She doesn’t “want it.” She thinks that happily married couples should be having sex x number of times every week. You guys aren’t doing that. It’s your job to make sure that it happens and you are slacking off.

That’s why she’s pissed.

Absolutely ridiculous.

What’s ridiculous? Is this not an okay way to think about marital sex?

[Anonymous]

I do a lot and my husband appreciates it and he knows it will be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.

I walked away from my roommate marriage and I'm a woman. He wanted sex but did nothing in terms of romance or foreplay.

THIS. I told my DH for years what I needed... foreplay, romance, helping out around the house a bit more, etc. I was sick and tired of no foreplay and basically just jamming it in. I did my part in other ways for YEARS without getting any kind of reciprocation even after asking over and over. Last time I initiated he told me he had to work on his laptop... I am tired of trying and getting rejected or not getting anything out of it.

I have kids so my body isn't the same (neither is his but he didn't get pregnant), but I still eat healthy and go to the gym 4-5x a week. But having someone make comments on my body especially if we are having an issue over something else doesn't help.

For the majority of our relationship I have initiated, but am tired of doing it.

[Anonymous]

DW here- I have to wait for him to initiate. If I try, he's not into it. We still have good sex, no complaints, but it does seem like we're off sometimes. I initiate maybe 10% of the time. I initiate more often but it doesn't lead to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here- I have to wait for him to initiate. If I try, he's not into it. We still have good sex, no complaints, but it does seem like we're off sometimes. I initiate maybe 10% of the time. I initiate more often but it doesn't lead to anything.

The mind boggles. I never say no since I can’t imagine turning down the person I love. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.

I would say that every time a married woman initiates it’s because she feels guilty and/or is trying to be a good wife.

I have been reading a little about responsive desire in women, and it’s seemed obvious to me. What I didn’t understand until I thought about it is that men never think about sex this way.

DH never initiates sex unless he is already turned on. I know that I’m not going to be turned on until 13.5 minutes into foreplay, so I initiate out of something like guilt or a desire to be a good wife.

I think that’s why men sometimes turn down their wives when they suggest something. The men aren’t turned on right then in that moment, and they don’t think about sex in terms of trying to be a good and giving partner. I think this is why it’s kind of painful to be turned down as a married woman.

Some women clearly have spontaneous desire, and a lot of us men married women with spontaneous desire who lost that kind of desire for one reason or another. I don't think I'm that uncommon as a man in that being desired by my wife really turns me on -- I guess that might be a form of responsive desire itself. Whatever you call it, when she stopped initiating, it made me feel pretty bad. That used to be a clear sign she was into me. Now I don't get that kind of positive affirmation from anyone. Also, I don't want to have sex with my wife if she's just putting up with it. When she initiates, that's a sign that she actively wants to have sex with me.

As far as being good and giving, I think getting her off is most of the fun. I can get myself off whenever -- getting to push her buttons, warming her up and then turning her into a puddle -- is a good time!

This isn't wrong, exactly, but there are too many absolutes in here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.

I would say that every time a married woman initiates it’s because she feels guilty and/or is trying to be a good wife.

I have been reading a little about responsive desire in women, and it’s seemed obvious to me. What I didn’t understand until I thought about it is that men never think about sex this way.

DH never initiates sex unless he is already turned on. I know that I’m not going to be turned on until 13.5 minutes into foreplay, so I initiate out of something like guilt or a desire to be a good wife.

I think that’s why men sometimes turn down their wives when they suggest something. The men aren’t turned on right then in that moment, and they don’t think about sex in terms of trying to be a good and giving partner. I think this is why it’s kind of painful to be turned down as a married woman.

Some women clearly have spontaneous desire, and a lot of us men married women with spontaneous desire who lost that kind of desire for one reason or another. I don't think I'm that uncommon as a man in that being desired by my wife really turns me on -- I guess that might be a form of responsive desire itself. Whatever you call it, when she stopped initiating, it made me feel pretty bad. That used to be a clear sign she was into me. Now I don't get that kind of positive affirmation from anyone. Also, I don't want to have sex with my wife if she's just putting up with it. When she initiates, that's a sign that she actively wants to have sex with me.

As far as being good and giving, I think getting her off is most of the fun. I can get myself off whenever -- getting to push her buttons, warming her up and then turning her into a puddle -- is a good time!

This isn't wrong, exactly, but there are too many absolutes in here.

(Weird -- the last sentence is what I meant to start with.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.

I would say that every time a married woman initiates it’s because she feels guilty and/or is trying to be a good wife.

I have been reading a little about responsive desire in women, and it’s seemed obvious to me. What I didn’t understand until I thought about it is that men never think about sex this way.

DH never initiates sex unless he is already turned on. I know that I’m not going to be turned on until 13.5 minutes into foreplay, so I initiate out of something like guilt or a desire to be a good wife.

I think that’s why men sometimes turn down their wives when they suggest something. The men aren’t turned on right then in that moment, and they don’t think about sex in terms of trying to be a good and giving partner. I think this is why it’s kind of painful to be turned down as a married woman.

Some women clearly have spontaneous desire, and a lot of us men married women with spontaneous desire who lost that kind of desire for one reason or another. I don't think I'm that uncommon as a man in that being desired by my wife really turns me on -- I guess that might be a form of responsive desire itself. Whatever you call it, when she stopped initiating, it made me feel pretty bad. That used to be a clear sign she was into me. Now I don't get that kind of positive affirmation from anyone. Also, I don't want to have sex with my wife if she's just putting up with it. When she initiates, that's a sign that she actively wants to have sex with me.

As far as being good and giving, I think getting her off is most of the fun. I can get myself off whenever -- getting to push her buttons, warming her up and then turning her into a puddle -- is a good time!

This isn't wrong, exactly, but there are too many absolutes in here.

You should read about this. All women lose spontaneously desire in long term monogamy.

It’s not bad. It doesn’t mean she is never into it. Just that she’s not into it when it starts. She gets into it ten minutes into foreplay.

As far as being giving, I don’t mean getting her off. I mean starting to have sex even when you aren’t turned on and it wasn’t what you wanted to be doing right then. Just because your partner wants to. Women do this all of the time. That’s why the kind of women who initiate sex are hurt when their partner turns them down.