Who initiates?

[Anonymous]

I often initiate but it’s never last minute. I can’t go from zero to 100 in a flash. When I do initiate it’s often early in the day and my DH knows that if he is going to initiate it needs to be early in the day as well. By evening my mind is really focused. And a quickie is not in the cards as 15-20 minutes of foreplay is a must. We’ve been together 36 years and we know each others bodies so well but we still find ways to keep it fresh.

[Anonymous]

DH here. The whole time we were dating, and the entire 20 years that our children were growing up and in the house, I was the initiator, about twice a week on average, and got turned down about half the time. Then the kids went to college, and something changed - now she initiates, 75% of the time, an average of about three or four times a week. I never say no. Life is good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. The whole time we were dating, and the entire 20 years that our children were growing up and in the house, I was the initiator, about twice a week on average, and got turned down about half the time. Then the kids went to college, and something changed - now she initiates, 75% of the time, an average of about three or four times a week. I never say no. Life is good!

What changed was the empty house and the walls no longer having ears. My DH knew that I loved hotel sex but at home I was always a mom thinking that the kids might hear us. Once we became empty nesters the need for a hotel disappeared. Getting frisky on the couch while watching a movie now turns into a scene out of a porn movie.

[Anonymous]

I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

You are a good woman

[Anonymous]

I think we’re 50/50 but my percent has really grown since my husband discovered what truly sets me off. That plus a having a home with the master on the first floor and away from the kids rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

Impossible! PP wrote: "All women lose spontaneously desire in long term monogamy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

Impossible! PP wrote: "All women lose spontaneously desire in long term monogamy."

I’m the one who said that.
I am a woman. I also consider myself high drive, and I initiate frequently. When I initiate, I am not already turned on. However, I know that I will, most likely, get turned on over the next 15 minutes.

When pp said that she is always in the mood, she means that she can always get into the mood. Not that blood flows to her genitals and she’s ready for sex whenever her husband walks into the room.

This was helpful for me to understand because I thought that my husband and I *both* felt this way. And when I would initiate and he would turn me down, I was hurt that he wouldn’t at least try. But then I realized that when he initiates sex, he is already kind of stimulated, even before we touch.

I don’t know. I have found it really helpful to try to better understand where my spouse is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

Impossible! PP wrote: "All women lose spontaneously desire in long term monogamy."

I’m the one who said that.
I am a woman. I also consider myself high drive, and I initiate frequently. When I initiate, I am not already turned on. However, I know that I will, most likely, get turned on over the next 15 minutes.

When pp said that she is always in the mood, she means that she can always get into the mood. Not that blood flows to her genitals and she’s ready for sex whenever her husband walks into the room.

This was helpful for me to understand because I thought that my husband and I *both* felt this way. And when I would initiate and he would turn me down, I was hurt that he wouldn’t at least try. But then I realized that when he initiates sex, he is already kind of stimulated, even before we touch.

I don’t know. I have found it really helpful to try to better understand where my spouse is coming from.

We never have spontaneous sex, we usually drop hints early in the day. The closest we come to spontaneous is if we’ve been out at a nice dinner or party and on the ride home one of us initiates and five minutes after we get home we’re in bed. I do enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do 99% of the time. I'm always in the mood and I don't expect DH to ever match my drive. But, he's always game so it works out.

Impossible! PP wrote: "All women lose spontaneously desire in long term monogamy."

I’m the one who said that.
I am a woman. I also consider myself high drive, and I initiate frequently. When I initiate, I am not already turned on. However, I know that I will, most likely, get turned on over the next 15 minutes.

When pp said that she is always in the mood, she means that she can always get into the mood. Not that blood flows to her genitals and she’s ready for sex whenever her husband walks into the room.

This was helpful for me to understand because I thought that my husband and I *both* felt this way. And when I would initiate and he would turn me down, I was hurt that he wouldn’t at least try. But then I realized that when he initiates sex, he is already kind of stimulated, even before we touch.

I don’t know. I have found it really helpful to try to better understand where my spouse is coming from.

We never have spontaneous sex, we usually drop hints early in the day. The closest we come to spontaneous is if we’ve been out at a nice dinner or party and on the ride home one of us initiates and five minutes after we get home we’re in bed. I do enjoy that.

Whatever works! But, a tip that's worked for my wife and I is, if possible, to have sex *before* the date. After the date, one or both of us tends to be tired or full or otherwise not physically at our best.

[Anonymous]

I told DH that now that I’m in menopause, I just don’t think about sex. So if he wants it, he’ll have to initiate and 90% I say yes. (But doesn’t initiate that often). I use lube (foreplay would take forever if i didn’t) and can get in the mood in a few minutes. And every time I enjoy it.
But I’ve recently started reading some super spicy romance books and my sex drive is coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife says it's the man's job to initiate. Then she gets pissed at me when I don't, when she wants it.

She doesn’t “want it.” She thinks that happily married couples should be having sex x number of times every week. You guys aren’t doing that. It’s your job to make sure that it happens and you are slacking off.

That’s why she’s pissed.

Absolutely ridiculous.

What’s ridiculous? Is this not an okay way to think about marital sex?

It’s ridiculous that you think it’s exclusively his job.

[Anonymous]

I like to believe it's the guy because for the same reason why men are still expected to ask the woman out and men are still expected to initiate communication and make the first move all the time