I feel like I’m losing my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not back off and once a week or even twice a month do something special with just her - even if its a quick going out for ice cream, but take her out to eat and shopping or something she enjoys doing. My mom never made an effort to spend time with me and wonders why our relationship is so strained. I was always the last priority. She may feel the same way and she needs you to make the effort.

This situation is different than you and your mom. OP says that she tries to do things with her daughter and her daughter refuses. How can OP do something special once a week or even twice a month if her daughter refuses and tells her to leave her alone? Don’t you think it was special to buy matching pjs to share just mom and daughter? How is that any less thoughtful than a quick ice cream?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not back off and once a week or even twice a month do something special with just her - even if its a quick going out for ice cream, but take her out to eat and shopping or something she enjoys doing. My mom never made an effort to spend time with me and wonders why our relationship is so strained. I was always the last priority. She may feel the same way and she needs you to make the effort.

This situation is different than you and your mom. OP says that she tries to do things with her daughter and her daughter refuses. How can OP do something special once a week or even twice a month if her daughter refuses and tells her to leave her alone? Don’t you think it was special to buy matching pjs to share just mom and daughter? How is that any less thoughtful than a quick ice cream?

Of course she refuses. The rift is too big. OP needs to turn this around before it's too late. Don't give her the option to refuse. Hey Larlina, we're going out to get ice cream. I wouldn't want matching PJ's nor would my teen. They'd like a meal out or ice cream. I have no issue with saying let's go out and they will come. If anything they want to do it more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone! I’ll back off and let her come to me when she’s ready. It will be tough, but it’s probably for the best.

Good. But don’t back off completely. Offer to do something fun once in a while, and don’t show your hurt if she refuses. And don’t be afraid to correct her if she misbehaves. You don’t have to tiptoe around her.

Life is long. If you are generally a pleasant person, she will come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family where the SM is super outgoing, one of those extroverts with a million friends, the best house guest, everyone loves her. The mother has a completely different personality with behavior that causes conflict (like lots of criticism, etc). But the kids are still totally loyal to the mom, even if everyone “likes” the SM more and would much rather spend time with her.

I guess my advice is: consider whether your behavior is unpleasant to your daughter. If you nag, criticize, pick, then of course she would rather be with SM.

I second this. Plus, how do you compare to SM in terms of looks and overall coolness? It’s very superficial but it matters to teens

[Anonymous]

Also it may be that SM suggests “cool” things to do and spends more money on her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not back off and once a week or even twice a month do something special with just her - even if its a quick going out for ice cream, but take her out to eat and shopping or something she enjoys doing. My mom never made an effort to spend time with me and wonders why our relationship is so strained. I was always the last priority. She may feel the same way and she needs you to make the effort.

This situation is different than you and your mom. OP says that she tries to do things with her daughter and her daughter refuses. How can OP do something special once a week or even twice a month if her daughter refuses and tells her to leave her alone? Don’t you think it was special to buy matching pjs to share just mom and daughter? How is that any less thoughtful than a quick ice cream?

Of course she refuses. The rift is too big. OP needs to turn this around before it's too late. Don't give her the option to refuse. Hey Larlina, we're going out to get ice cream. I wouldn't want matching PJ's nor would my teen. They'd like a meal out or ice cream. I have no issue with saying let's go out and they will come. If anything they want to do it more.

The rift is too big? What are you basing this from? To say that you’ve got to be projecting. OP is so upset about her daughter not wanting to do stuff with her that she’s asking advice from random people. She’s at a loss and feels like she’s losing her daughter. Meanwhile, the daughter didn't mind wearing matching PJs and doing a photo shoot with the stepmom. Why is the rift bigger with mom than stepmom? What did mom do wrong? She didn’t manage to keep dad around? And stepmom managed to catch that gift to women? What I see is Dad abandoned them both and now Mom’s the bad guy. Of course, he couldn’t live with her, yada, yada because mom is so demanding and annoying, but stepmom is awesome. Daughter sucks. There’s no way OP can turn this around with more love and kindness, daughter will just see it as weakness and stupidity and she’ll think it’s overbearing. Mom needs to step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds incredibly hard. My sense is that if you can somehow manage to project genuine happiness for her and acceptance of her feelings, you will be the irreplaceable, immovable figure in her life for years to come. Of course you’ll want to scream inside but try to just light up when you see her, even if it feels like you’re getting scraps.

When she’s in her 20’s you can expect more graciousness and parity

This!

I would also try to write her a letter to articulate how you feel. Talk about how you are happy that she is bonded with her dad and step mom. Show genuine happiness. Express sadness that you feel, but only from a place of love. She may not receive this well at first, but at least you put it out there and made yourself vulnerable. This way, you know that she knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not back off and once a week or even twice a month do something special with just her - even if its a quick going out for ice cream, but take her out to eat and shopping or something she enjoys doing. My mom never made an effort to spend time with me and wonders why our relationship is so strained. I was always the last priority. She may feel the same way and she needs you to make the effort.

This situation is different than you and your mom. OP says that she tries to do things with her daughter and her daughter refuses. How can OP do something special once a week or even twice a month if her daughter refuses and tells her to leave her alone? Don’t you think it was special to buy matching pjs to share just mom and daughter? How is that any less thoughtful than a quick ice cream?

Of course she refuses. The rift is too big. OP needs to turn this around before it's too late. Don't give her the option to refuse. Hey Larlina, we're going out to get ice cream. I wouldn't want matching PJ's nor would my teen. They'd like a meal out or ice cream. I have no issue with saying let's go out and they will come. If anything they want to do it more.

Not given her a choice will totally backfire. It is also not respectful.

[Anonymous]

Relationships ebb and flow over a lifetime.

Back off but be there.

Concentrate your energies on other things.

Invite her to something once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Can you lean in through little things that she enjoys but may find less overwhelming? For instance - extend the car ride home by adding a stop at Starbucks? Get nails done every month or so? Go out to dinner instead of cooking at home - and let her pick the restaurant?

[Anonymous]

She seems like she can tell you honestly how she feels about things. And she lives with you. She might feel that she has to go with them lest they forsake her if they have a child or already have one. (in addition to the one her dad already has)
Keep steady and do what is right; do not despair. She will realize soon that you are trying your best and are her mom. She will start realizing what a horrible person her father is soon enough.
That she is going there and you are okay with that speaks volumes about you being the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP! Is SM closer in age to her? Curious if she’s feeling like that’s an older sister vs. mother dynamic.

I wonder if DD is actually enjoying being part of a traditional unit again - kid, dad and mom. I feel for OP and I would be sad as well, even if that wasn't a mature response. To interrupt the dynamic, I think I'd try to create a separate unit of DD, mom, and Stepmom and start planning outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP! Is SM closer in age to her? Curious if she’s feeling like that’s an older sister vs. mother dynamic.

She’s 30 years older than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also it may be that SM suggests “cool” things to do and spends more money on her

She seems to suggest the same things I do, DD just prefers to do them with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds incredibly hard. My sense is that if you can somehow manage to project genuine happiness for her and acceptance of her feelings, you will be the irreplaceable, immovable figure in her life for years to come. Of course you’ll want to scream inside but try to just light up when you see her, even if it feels like you’re getting scraps.

When she’s in her 20’s you can expect more graciousness and parity

This!

I would also try to write her a letter to articulate how you feel. Talk about how you are happy that she is bonded with her dad and step mom. Show genuine happiness. Express sadness that you feel, but only from a place of love. She may not receive this well at first, but at least you put it out there and made yourself vulnerable. This way, you know that she knows.

Dumbest idea ever. Please don’t do this.