I feel like I’m losing my daughter

[Anonymous]

No divorce here & I also get scraps…same for a couple of my friends…it is the age, they need to separate.
I have 1 friend who is very close to her DD & they go shopping, exercise together, etc. My DD wants to be with friends, always. Once in a while she will join me for something but it is not often (& usually after all other avenues are exhausted).
I try not to take it personally & try to use the time to do some new things for myself. And enjoy her when she is around.

[Anonymous]

I know a family where the SM is super outgoing, one of those extroverts with a million friends, the best house guest, everyone loves her. The mother has a completely different personality with behavior that causes conflict (like lots of criticism, etc). But the kids are still totally loyal to the mom, even if everyone “likes” the SM more and would much rather spend time with her.

I guess my advice is: consider whether your behavior is unpleasant to your daughter. If you nag, criticize, pick, then of course she would rather be with SM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's the shiny and new thing. I don't know if she will come around but if the dad had an affair it's a personality trait and your daughter is having an affair with another mother. It's the same personality trait. I would work on yourself.

I think there may be some validity to this, OP. I'm very sorry. It must be extremely painful.

Where is the other child in the mix?

I would try to shift your thinking from "time is running out mode" which is only driving anxiety, you have your whole lives.

I would try to find a therapy group, not individual, I think a group will be of more support and varying perspectives for you at this time. Cultivate new interests and try to dream/create the life you will have when she is launched. That is all you have control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family where the SM is super outgoing, one of those extroverts with a million friends, the best house guest, everyone loves her. The mother has a completely different personality with behavior that causes conflict (like lots of criticism, etc). But the kids are still totally loyal to the mom, even if everyone “likes” the SM more and would much rather spend time with her.

I guess my advice is: consider whether your behavior is unpleasant to your daughter. If you nag, criticize, pick, then of course she would rather be with SM.

Just want to note here that not everyone likes the energetic extroverts, PP. I'm an introvert and I do best with other introverts. Can't comment on the "nagging" personality, of course.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am the ONLY parent in my circle whose teens are still very close to me. All my friends complain that their teens want to spend all their time with literally anyone else. This is because my kids are introverts and socially anxious. That's not entirely a good thing! I would actually like them to have more friends, but we're a quiet family without a lot of social needs, and this is how life is.

Your teen loves you. Love doesn't necessarily mean attention and care at that age. She will change once she gets out of adolescence.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I’ll back off and let her come to me when she’s ready. It will be tough, but it’s probably for the best.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP! Is SM closer in age to her? Curious if she’s feeling like that’s an older sister vs. mother dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Teenage years are hard for mothers and daughters. Then naturally want to pull away and “prove” they are not kids anymore.

I was like you, sort of desperate to hold on. But that only makes them feel suffocated.

Plan occasional (not too often) things she would enjoy:getting your nails done or making cookies. A pottery place or movie. Clear it in advance, so your feelings are not hurt (ie, don’t assume interest or availability). If you have some low pressure, relaxing times together, you will both feel better.

(The gf is not competing with you. Your daughter only has one mom. That relationship is special but also has inherent frictions. Just take comfort in the fact that your place in your daughter’s life is unique and secure. )

[Anonymous]

I agree with many of the PPs. The SM is shiny and new. She's probably like a new girlfriend. Do SM and ExH have kids of their own? If so, she probably doesn't want to be left out. If not, i'm guessing things will change once they have a baby.

I also wonder if you're depressed about the divorce, other women, etc. Everyone else's life is moving forward and you are stuck and feels like you're losing your daughter. If so, your DD might sense it, making her want to spend even more time with the "fun" SM.

I think the best thing you can do is project enthusiasm for her and not act needy. Can you do something for yourself like get a new outfit, hair cut, hair color even. Sort of the "new you". That could help your mood as well, and most people want to be around people who are happy (quiet or not.)

But it does suck. It is hard to feel like you are losing your DD. And for you it probably is compounding by already having lost your marriage. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's the shiny and new thing. I don't know if she will come around but if the dad had an affair it's a personality trait and your daughter is having an affair with another mother. It's the same personality trait. I would work on yourself.

That must be the weirdest thing I’ve ever read here. Can’t fathom how you came up with this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Easier said than done, but don't take it personally, and be there consistently. Eventually she'll come back. It's a really rotten situation. You may enjoy mentoring other teens

[Anonymous]

Here is a good column from Carolyn Hax.

"Kids in this process need their parents nearby as much as they need them to go away. Your son is more likely to reach for you if you make it easy for him, emotionally, to do that -- which means not chasing down news of his day, not correcting him constantly, not lamenting (to him) about not being close. At the risk of a four-metaphor pileup, think skittish dog: no crowding and no sudden movements."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good column from Carolyn Hax.

"Kids in this process need their parents nearby as much as they need them to go away. Your son is more likely to reach for you if you make it easy for him, emotionally, to do that -- which means not chasing down news of his day, not correcting him constantly, not lamenting (to him) about not being close. At the risk of a four-metaphor pileup, think skittish dog: no crowding and no sudden movements."

Kids in this process need their parents nearby as much as they need them to go away. Your son is more likely to reach for you if you make it easy for him, emotionally, to do that -- which means not chasing down news of his day, not correcting him constantly, not lamenting (to him) about not being close. At the risk of a four-metaphor pileup, think skittish dog: no crowding and no sudden movements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good column from Carolyn Hax.

"Kids in this process need their parents nearby as much as they need them to go away. Your son is more likely to reach for you if you make it easy for him, emotionally, to do that -- which means not chasing down news of his day, not correcting him constantly, not lamenting (to him) about not being close. At the risk of a four-metaphor pileup, think skittish dog: no crowding and no sudden movements."

https://www.oregonlive.com/living/2018/10/carolyn_hax_yes_you_can_get_th.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good column from Carolyn Hax.

"Kids in this process need their parents nearby as much as they need them to go away. Your son is more likely to reach for you if you make it easy for him, emotionally, to do that -- which means not chasing down news of his day, not correcting him constantly, not lamenting (to him) about not being close. At the risk of a four-metaphor pileup, think skittish dog: no crowding and no sudden movements."

https://www.oregonlive.com/living/2018/10/carolyn_hax_yes_you_can_get_th.html

I feel like this example doesn’t cut it for OP’s situation. In the article the mom in question is married to his father and has two other children. Her son probably feels like she gets plenty of emotional support from his dad.

Meanwhile, OP’s husband left her because he impregnated another woman. Things didn’t work out with wife number two and now he’s on to wife number 3, who daughter thinks is the best because she’s not wife number 2 or mom.

I dunno, I was a teenager once, too. I thought my mom was super annoying, but I would have felt EMPATHY for her if my dad had cheated on her and moved on to another woman. I would be so mad at dad that I doubt I could even look at the third wife. I certainly wouldn’t mind putting on a pair of pjs to make my jilted mom feel happy.

OP’s daughter lacks empathy. She might get better in that department, but she might not. I think the OP needs to put herself first, so that she’s not waiting for daughter to come around.

[Anonymous]

I would not back off and once a week or even twice a month do something special with just her - even if its a quick going out for ice cream, but take her out to eat and shopping or something she enjoys doing. My mom never made an effort to spend time with me and wonders why our relationship is so strained. I was always the last priority. She may feel the same way and she needs you to make the effort.