I feel like I’m losing my daughter

[Anonymous]

DD (16) has a stepmother that she’s bonded with in the past year. Lately, when I plan to do things with DD she’ll tell me she has no desire or complains if I drag her to do something. I ask her what would she like to do, and she’ll tell me she wants to be left alone. Her dad will call her and tell her the stepmom wants to hang out to go shopping, movies, dinner, etc and DD will jump at the chance to go. Even with the holidays she prefers to be at her dad’s instead of home because she has such a great time with her dad and stepmom. Most recently, I bought matching Christmas PJs and she told me she’s too old for that. But then I found out through her social media (which she posted) that not only does she have matching PJs with the other side, they did a photoshoot. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She only has a few years left before she’s off to college so I want us to spend as much time together as possible. However, it’s hard to do when DD is showing very little interest in spending time with me. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That's hard. No advice, but hugs.

[Anonymous]

I would back off. She will come around. You are her mother.

[Anonymous]

That sounds incredibly hard. My sense is that if you can somehow manage to project genuine happiness for her and acceptance of her feelings, you will be the irreplaceable, immovable figure in her life for years to come. Of course you’ll want to scream inside but try to just light up when you see her, even if it feels like you’re getting scraps.

When she’s in her 20’s you can expect more graciousness and parity

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sucks. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Some people don’t know how to be loved and treat the ones nicest to them the worst. (An offshoot of this type is women who love jerks.) Since you are her mother and love her, my advice is to back off. The more distant you’ll be, the more she’ll respect you. Maybe she’ll learn, maybe she won’t. Find hobbies and be good to yourself!!!

[Anonymous]

What was the reason for the divorce? I’m wondering if she is modeling some parental behavior and sort of working things out that way.

I’m sorry, that is really hard.

[Anonymous]

She's 16, a teenager. Teenagers want to set themselves apart from their parents. She's not your friend and doesn't want to be your friend so it's normal behavior to reject matching PJ's (which anyway sounds ridiculous). Be glad she has a good connection with her father and his girlfriend. She will need you as a mother but not as a leisure buddy.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry OP. I just wanted to say that this is something a lot of people experience (I have a daighter this age too) without divorce, in case that helps. Cold comfort tho

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds incredibly hard. My sense is that if you can somehow manage to project genuine happiness for her and acceptance of her feelings, you will be the irreplaceable, immovable figure in her life for years to come. Of course you’ll want to scream inside but try to just light up when you see her, even if it feels like you’re getting scraps.

When she’s in her 20’s you can expect more graciousness and parity

This is really good advice.

I have a friend who is wrecked by the teen years and her daughter is pulling away and my friend is so desperate to keep her close that I worry that her desperation is so off putting to the daughter that it is widening the gap between them. So the advice to accept her feeling and express genuine happiness may be good for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds incredibly hard. My sense is that if you can somehow manage to project genuine happiness for her and acceptance of her feelings, you will be the irreplaceable, immovable figure in her life for years to come. Of course you’ll want to scream inside but try to just light up when you see her, even if it feels like you’re getting scraps.

When she’s in her 20’s you can expect more graciousness and parity

This is really good advice.

I have a friend who is wrecked by the teen years and her daughter is pulling away and my friend is so desperate to keep her close that I worry that her desperation is so off putting to the daughter that it is widening the gap between them. So the advice to accept her feeling and express genuine happiness may be good for both of you.

Agree this is good advice. I'm sorry, OP, I can't imagine how painful this is. I'm confident she'll come around with time and maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the reason for the divorce? I’m wondering if she is modeling some parental behavior and sort of working things out that way.

I’m sorry, that is really hard.

Her dad had a kid with another woman (not his current wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 16, a teenager. Teenagers want to set themselves apart from their parents. She's not your friend and doesn't want to be your friend so it's normal behavior to reject matching PJ's (which anyway sounds ridiculous). Be glad she has a good connection with her father and his girlfriend. She will need you as a mother but not as a leisure buddy.

It’s not that I’m trying to be her friend, I just want to spend quality time with her before she’s off to college and busy with her own life.

[Anonymous]

Back away and don't take it personally.

My niece did this, the step mom is just shiny and new and she will eventually be a bore too.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's the shiny and new thing. I don't know if she will come around but if the dad had an affair it's a personality trait and your daughter is having an affair with another mother. It's the same personality trait. I would work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Focus on accepting and loving your daughter unconditionally, regardless of what she does.