If you are UMC or MC how would you feel if your adult child married someone from LMC or LC?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t care as long as she didn’t act low class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the genetics. If the individual’s four grandparents were kind, smart and hardworking, with no psychological or substance use problems, then it’s fine. Otherwise run.

This is what matters to me. Are they lazy know it alls? Look around.

Are they kind, hard working, open and compatible with your DC and is there mutual respect in the relationship? Much better.

The personality traits that set my alarms off are lazy, sneaky and/or closed - otherwise I am open.

I know people who came to this country with no college degrees who made an exceptional life for their kids (better than most who were born and raised in the U.S., with degrees and white collar jobs), and I know people whose parents are educated, and feel owed, who are miserable, so their kids are miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the genetics. If the individual’s four grandparents were kind, smart and hardworking, with no psychological or substance use problems, then it’s fine. Otherwise run.

This is what matters to me. Are they lazy know it alls? Look around.

Are they kind, hard working, open and compatible with your DC and is there mutual respect in the relationship? Much better.

The personality traits that set my alarms off are lazy, sneaky and/or closed - otherwise I am open.

I know people who came to this country with no college degrees who made an exceptional life for their kids (better than most who were born and raised in the U.S., with degrees and white collar jobs), and I know people whose parents are educated, and feel owed, who are miserable, so their kids are miserable.

Also, a sense of humor and ability to have fun is very important, in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t care as long as she didn’t act low class.

What does that mean, exactly? Sit down and shut up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a spouse that was less educated, came from a less financially stable family, and had a chaotic childhood with alcoholic, abusive parents. He and his siblings spent years in foster care.

Love cannot solve all issues. My spouse had a very different style of communicating, handling conflict, different opinions on money and our capability to save money (he thought saving 6 months of living expenses was an impossibility), and he eventually went down the path of troubling levels of drinking and alcohol-related behaviors. His history was full of red flags that I ignored or thought would not affect us.

Vetting a potential spouse is almost like vetting a horse... you need to look past how pretty the horse is, and look at the quality of his temperament, the qualities of the parents, how was the horse raised, history of veterinary care, who trained it... etc. Don't pick the horse whose parents had soundness issues and aggressive temperaments amd expect something different just because you love it.

Wow, this is such a succinct analogy. The parents, and how your spouse was treated growing up, matter greatly. Watch the family interact together, if you are able - and what (inevitably) falling into their old roles really means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also married someone of a lower SES than what I grew up in. I didn’t think it would matter but it did. He balked when I would order a coffee or muffin outside, he saves all the hotel toiletries, he refuses to throw away food even if it’s gone bad. Just things like that that get on my nerves. That being said, I think it also has to do with how you were raised, not just how much money you had. A kind and decent lower middle class person would be so much better than a rich controlling spouse.

Agree. My spouse does the same! No, I am not paying hundreds in doctor bills, when (not if) we get sick from bad food, to save ten dollars. I think common sense and work ethic (not afraid to make a spontaneous trip to the grocery, instead of serving bad food) is a HUGE consideration, not so much how much money the parents had or did not have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This alone would not bother us at all. DH and I both grew up in large LMC/working class families and our extended families are very much a mix today. We have siblings who are doctors and college professors, siblings who work manual labor, and everything in between.

I would be far more concerned about the spouse’s upbringing in general- things like alcoholism or drugs, abuse, general instability etc. Those things occur in families of all socioeconomic classes.

o

Thank you. Yes. Addiction and dysfunction don’t discriminate. Just look at the Hiltons or the Kennedys. So many trashy dumpster fire judgements about other people on here. Pathetic.

+1 Cocky people think they know everything. Not a good look.

[Anonymous]

My husband married me and I was raised LMC. We had some class differences to deal with while dating but we have happily been together for 25 years and we have two kids. We have a very loving and healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like one thing I’ve learned from reading these boards is that it isn’t really about social class, but it is about an ACE score. If my daughter wanted to marry a guy who had a deeply traumatic background, I would talk to her about making sure he has done therapy to work through it. Plenty of guys can say “I don’t want to be my parents” and avoid addiction and cheating through college and twenties. But once their are kids, aging parents, etc — it becomes easy to repeat history.

+1 great point

[Anonymous]

My main concern is personality and racism or racist parents. I hope they don't fall for someone who is hyperactive or stubborn. Racists and/or children of them are easy to detect until a certain age when they may divert from their parent's views due to life experience. That kind of lineage matters more to me than class unless they are perpetually putting their foot in their mouth with odd behavior or never overcoming discomfort in certain settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, as long as the spouse treats my child well. Maybe because I was born into LMC (think trailer park) and worked + married myself into UMC (live in a $2M home).

Sorry but if you live in a 2 million dollar home you are not UMC. You are upper class. Sure you're not super wealthy, but a 2 million dollar home is no part of the middle class, not even the upper portion.

[Anonymous]

I'd want my kid to marry someone middle class - not rich, not poor. My spouse grew up poor, but is financially very well off now (due to his work). I grew up solidly middle class. We have a lot of differences and it causes a lot of problems. He is super frugal despite our HHI being high (500k). Sometimes I wonder what we are saving for (he expects the kids to get a scholarship or go state, maybe even from home) - our house is paid off and we have heavy 529 savings - we travel a lot but go cheap as we did when we were in our 20s. We stay at hostels when we travel, or camp. Eat out 4x a year; shop at consignment. I do all the housekeeping (plus work full time) and do all the academic tutoring/support of the kids. He does all the yard work. He says paying someone to do yard work, clean, cook, or tutor your own kids is just laziness. He thinks all gifts should be home made.

Yeah it causes a lot of issues. The kids (who have way more chores than most of their friends) are sick of it. I would want my kids to marry someone from a similar background.

[Anonymous]

Would not be thrilled, but would never tell my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it and it caused my mom all sorts of heartburn. 20 years on and my marriage is strong whereas my sibling’s marriage to a wealthy person from our social class is chronic on the edge of divorce. The hurt from my mom’s early disapproval and coldness to my spouse will never go away, as much as she appreciates them now.

OMG your mom sounds like my MIL. I grew up UMC but I'm american and DH is MC/LMC british. MIL didn't know how to put me in her snobbery box and always judged me for being a foreigner. (You know because all the people from the 'colonies' want to be british and idolize everything british). Anyway turns out I'm the only one who gave the religious conservative grandchildren, and she had 4 kids. She still doesn't understand me or my ways, but these grandkids are gold to her. Because of that, I've moved on and accepted we are just different.

[Anonymous]

I arrived in US many, many years ago with exactly $100 in my pocket. I never felt poor, hopeless, or LC even when the times were very hard. I had my health, great k-12 education, and awesome work ethic.
Ofcourse I was lower class, but I don't remember being treated a such or feeling LC.
Most people who knew me also knew it was only a matter of time til I make it into UMC. Would have been such a waste to ignore me just because of amount of money in my bank account.
I wish for the best partner for my kids. We have money, but money is not to be wasted or taken for granted.