How do you handle if your spouse really doesn’t want you to do something?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

When your DH spends the extra money, are you living month to month or in debt? Or are you now only saving X when you personally want to be saving Y?

I think how you are both doing financially comes into play when determining if you are being unreasonably controlling or not.

As for trips, when multiple kids are involved, it is ridiculous for one spouse to just leave all the child care on the other spouse without everyone being on the same page.

You need to plan a girls trip and head out for a long weekend. Not only will it be fun but it will give him an idea of what an imposition it is when he wants to go again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

This is such a weird example. Couldn’t he just use headphones?

I mean, my husband hates Bravo, so when I watch a Real Housewives episode I just do it in another room...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Examples along the lines of - taking a long weekend trip with friends, or purchasing a moderately pricey tool or appliance that will impact shared space in addition to budget, possibly more than budget.

If your spouse says they really don’t want you to take the trip or buy the thing, what do you do?

You’re not going to get any helpful answers without providing a whole lot more context.

Yes. Are you always buying expensive tools that will take up space and have already spent 1000s upon 1000s on this? Or is it a tool for dream hobby and an opportunity (time/ $) to be able to practice it? Does your spouse always object to trips with friends? Do you take these often on regular basis or is this a rare event? The spouse is objecting to the friends, timing, or destination? It’s one thing when you take these trips fairly regularly and they’re objecting to one of them cause it falls at same time as major work deadline or work travel. It’s a different thing if they object for no particular reason, just cause it may inconvenience them to take care of kids on their own for 3-4 days. It’s all relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

You’re incredibly childish. Really ought to work on that.

[Anonymous]

My DH sometimes wants to buy things that will take up too much space in our small townhouse, so I am much more likely to say no to that, or ask him to wait and not make impulse purchases.

But trips? If we can afford the trip and whoever wants to go on it is being reasonable about time/money, I have no issue giving my blessing pretty much 99% of the time. It's good for him to have friends and time away, just like it's good for me to have friends and time away. We both do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

Seriously? I can note even imagine someone telling me I can’t watch a tv show. Do you live in a one room house? Because people can move rooms, wear headphones….there are ways around this.

[Anonymous]

DH isn’t into pegging so… We go out, have a few drinks and all bets are off!

[Anonymous]

DH would never do that to me. Nor would I do it to him. He wants to go on a guys’ weekend? Have fun! I don’t expect him to FaceTime or anything. Same when I go to a horse show with my girlfriends.

You do sound very controlling, OP. Be more flexible and go with the flow. Men don’t like to be treated like a child doing check ins with mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

Yes this is totally a thing, and I bet it's what the OP's husband is doing.

[Anonymous]

I would hear out the rationale for their objection.

If we still disagreed, would negotiate (let them do something I don’t love ). If these talks constantly come out in an unsatisfactory manner, I would start marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

I’m married to a very controlling man and I have made bad decisions over the course of our marriage as a way of, I guess, rebelling against him. He doesn’t want me to buy that thing? I’ll just go ahead and buy it and not tell him. Or I’ll tell him I’m going to the grocery store and just sit in my car with my phone on do not disturb, watching Netflix. It’s an unhealthy way of taking back power when you feel like you don’t have any.

How maladaptive! It also does nothing to solve the underlying problem.

You need counseling yesterday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

Ridiculously unreasonable request.

There are many things you can do to not hear the show. If you were willing to make the SLIGHTEST effort to accommodate this poor guy. He must have zero power in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes.

This seems totally unreasonable on your spouses part.

Why did they have to buy it NOW, when they haven't even resumed the hobby yet... and from the sound of it, they very well may never resume it again?

I'm sure that money could've been better spent or saved.

They could've kept an eye on Amazon or wherever they got it from to see when it went on sale and then purchased it then... there are always sales, black Friday in a few weeks, Presidents Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, etc.
There are big sales every two months or so!
She could have set up an item watch on the tool and then she wouldn't received an email every single time it went on sale.
You probably wouldn't have been so resistant to buying it if that were the case -- at least you would've saved a few bucks to make you feel better.

Overall, it sounds like your spouse has MAJOR difficulty when it comes to impulse control, which is something that will require speaking to a therapist to manage.
BTW, that isn't something that gets better as we age, it gets SO much worse.

If this is already a major point of contention in your marriage now, you're gonna become super bitter & resentful come ten years from now, because they've repeatedly showed you that they have no respect for your opinion.