How do you handle if your spouse really doesn’t want you to do something?

[Anonymous]

Examples along the lines of - taking a long weekend trip with friends, or purchasing a moderately pricey tool or appliance that will impact shared space in addition to budget, possibly more than budget.

If your spouse says they really don’t want you to take the trip or buy the thing, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Examples along the lines of - taking a long weekend trip with friends, or purchasing a moderately pricey tool or appliance that will impact shared space in addition to budget, possibly more than budget.

If your spouse says they really don’t want you to take the trip or buy the thing, what do you do?

You’re not going to get any helpful answers without providing a whole lot more context.

[Anonymous]

Dh rarely says no to things like these. So if he did, I would know it was very important with him and we'd figure out an alternative. I'm the same way and that's how we handle it as well if I'm the one who says no.

[Anonymous]

We are both very "do what you need to do" with each other, so if he *really* didn't want me to do something like that, it would be enough of a departure to our normal to give me pause. I'd try to figure out what the issue was and fix it - is it a bad time of year for me to take a weekend trip because he's underwater at work? Could taking ownership of decluttering or organizing fix the problem with the tool taking up limited shared space? Etc.

If I was married to a control freak who just wanted to dictate how I spent time or money I guess I would just ignore them? Hard to imagine though.

[Anonymous]

To every objection she makes, I simply reply, "it's beyond my control".

[Anonymous]

Context matters so, so much in this question.

Controlling spouse who is trying to distance spouse from fiends and family? Or just doesn’t want to look after his or her own kids for a weekend and expects other spouse to do so? I’d take that weekend trip without feeling guilty?

Or is this the 3rd weekend away in several months and spouse hasn’t had a break or trip on their own? Then it’s fair for spouse to not be excited about another one.

On budget - does spender always overspend or is this unusual? Does spouse get the same “fun money” or are they the ones who always have to ‘take the hit’ when money is tight?

I think it’s important to be fair(ish) and thoughtful and generous to the most important person in our lives- but not at the cost of no savings or a stressed out/ burned out spouse who doesn’t get the same treatment in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Examples along the lines of - taking a long weekend trip with friends, or purchasing a moderately pricey tool or appliance that will impact shared space in addition to budget, possibly more than budget.

If your spouse says they really don’t want you to take the trip or buy the thing, what do you do?

I would not do it. I would try to problem solve to get to a place we could both live with, but if that failed I wouldn’t do it. Because he wouldn’t do it to me. It has happened maybe twice in 23 years that we couldn’t make something work when it was important to the other person, usually due to factors beyond one persons control. I can live with that for the sake of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I would push back. I don’t like being told what to do. I am a woman so I guess i bristle at the idea of a DH telling me I can’t do something. My husband luckily doesn’t do that. I can tell when he’s disapproving of something. He questions things and points out why it’s a bad idea, but I can feel free to ignore him.

[Anonymous]

We encourage each other's hobbies, within reason. We're also on the same page when it comes to frivolous spending. So if one spouse really wants to do something, in our household the other would not stand in the way. And the trip taking spouse would make up to the other spouse in some way, by giving them a child free weekend for example.

[Anonymous]

I would ask why, and try to find a middle ground position that addresses his concerns.

Like if he doesn’t want me to take the trip because there are multiple kid activities at the same time that weekend and he can’t drive them all to different places at the same time … I’d either opt for a shorter trip, or try to arrange carpools.

But if he’s just being a jerk … well, I don’t know what I’d do, because I can’t imagine that scenario. He’s a reasonable person, and I don’t generally try to do unreasonable things, so we can usually work out a solution.

[Anonymous]

My husband - in our 20 years together - has never said anything like that. He has said "if you take the trip, that means we....." and then we decide together.

[Anonymous]

I listen to why. Why wouldn't he want me to have a girls weekend? Why wouldn't he want me to buy exercise equipment? Then I consider his reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Context matters so, so much in this question.

Controlling spouse who is trying to distance spouse from fiends and family? Or just doesn’t want to look after his or her own kids for a weekend and expects other spouse to do so? I’d take that weekend trip without feeling guilty?

Or is this the 3rd weekend away in several months and spouse hasn’t had a break or trip on their own? Then it’s fair for spouse to not be excited about another one.

On budget - does spender always overspend or is this unusual? Does spouse get the same “fun money” or are they the ones who always have to ‘take the hit’ when money is tight?

I think it’s important to be fair(ish) and thoughtful and generous to the most important person in our lives- but not at the cost of no savings or a stressed out/ burned out spouse who doesn’t get the same treatment in return.

THIS

My husband has never said no to anything like that so if he did I would take his objection very seriously. But that might not be remotely relevant to your situation.

[Anonymous]

Tbh if it doesn't hurt him i just do what i want

[Anonymous]

We are both pretty laid back and frugal so I don’t recall him saying he really didn’t want me to do something. I have a very good sense for his attitude about things and I can comfortably do what I want because of that. Now if I wanted my mother to visit for a month that could be a problem!