Reply to How do you handle if your spouse really doesn’t want you to do something?

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[quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Thanks for the responses.

I left out context intentionally because it is more helpful for me to hear how your marriages work than for you to comment on how dysfunctional mine is. I know it is dysfunctional, but am trying to understand just how bad it is. I think my spouse would describe me as very controlling. I think my spouse pushes boundaries and has tastes/desires that exceed our means.

Trip example - I used to support these but they always end up with behavior I find unacceptable, including spending way beyond agreed upon budget, staying out of contact, not being available for planned video calls with the kids, etc. Theres’s not an AP, some trips are with their parent, it’s more like a last minute decision for a bells and whistles spa day with no cell access, or a gambling/drinking binge that starts after lunch and goes until morning. I do not take similar trips. Recently, I pushed back unsuccessfully against another trip.

Purchase example - spouse decided they wanted to change an expensive habit by purchasing an appliance that costs $$$. Along the lines of, instead of their daily Starbucks, let’s purchase a professional grade multifunctional coffeemaker that we can use to make whatever we want at home that is out of our budget (as is the daily Starbucks if we want to meet other goals), and thereby “save” money over the course of a year. I do not have a similar Starbucks habit or use for the machine. I thought the purchase desire was unreasonable, spouse thought my resistance was unreasonable. We did eventually compromise on that purchase.

Most recent purchase example is a specialized tool for a specialized hobby that spouse hopes to get back into doing sometime soon, but in the meantime the tool will sit on the shelf. I don’t have a comparable hobby. I said “I really do not want you to make that purchase” and requested waiting until they have resumed the hobby and have a need for the tool. That request was dismissed and the tool was purchased.

We are in counseling, but haven’t raised this in session. Even if we had, the perspectives of marriages that work is different from a paid professional sometimes. 
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