How do you handle if your spouse really doesn’t want you to do something?

[Anonymous]

I offer a trade. "I will let you do or buy [insert details] if you let me do what I want."

[Anonymous]

We've been poor and rich during our marriage. I've never asked to spend anything remotely close to or over budget, and he's never had to say no. And vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Well if you have a lot of respect in your relationship, then I would assume that these objections are reasonable to some extent. Or at least, that your spouse is able to gauge whether their feelings are reasonable.

So for example, my spouse went through a mid-life crisis-y period where he spent about 75% of his vacation on guys' trips, and he complained about any couples or family trip that we planned and always tried to make them as short as possible. In that scenario he was the unreasonable one and I did start saying, um, I really expected to be in a marriage where my spouse wants to spend time with me and makes me a priority, and what is it saying to our kids if you will spend 10 days mountain biking but you can't bear to be at Disney World for 3? But after he got into therapy and became less entitled and more selfless, I was like, sure sure when he would want to take a guys' trip, because he was striking a reasonable balance on his own.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on your relationship. I wouldn’t do it, I’d work with spouse to find an alternative.
This happens once in a while on big ticket house expenses, one of us wants to go one way & one wants to go another. We talk it through & figure out the compromise. It can take a while, but if works out.
The trip one is a little different. We’ve never said no to each other over something like that. It would take something big for me to kibosh a trip my spouse wanted to take with friends- maybe if it was way out of our budget, or if they start going away every weekend? But neither one of us has asked something outrageous, we’ll take long weekends with friends or our siblings sometimes & we both encourage each other to do those things.

[Anonymous]

This is completely context dependent. In mountains of debt... then no to pricey weekend trips or new non-essential items, for example. If spouse is a control freak, then it may be an issue. I wouldn't scream "push back" until I know what is motivating spouse to have these concerns.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what kind of relationship people have if their spouse can say "no" you can't buy or do something?

[Anonymous]

We are not big on going on vacations solo and given it’s rare it doesn’t get any pushback. Our only luxury is travel and we both agree on that - if we are going to do it let’s do it well. Otherwise we are pretty frugal so it’s rare we have a discussion on what someone wants to buy and at what cost. Last year I needed to buy a new car and he never asked me about it. He knows I’m not a luxury car person and all I like to drive is a nice, safe SUV. So I bought a Subaru and life went on. I’m sure he has no idea what it cost but it’s a Subaru.

[Anonymous]

I think we both know what our limits or tolerances are so that “doesn’t want you to” has rarely if ever been an issue. He knows that I wouldn’t be thrilled about him going on 10 day golf trip to New Zealand but a few days at Pinehurst is no problem. But I also know that a 10 day trip with a bunch of guys is just not his thing. He seems to like me!

[Anonymous]

Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a thing to buy, but a show to watch.
For the first time in our 15 years, I made a request for DH to not watch a show.

It was anime. Because of my younger brother and a dislike (extreme irritation) for the genre, and I’m overhearing it. We’re usually not controlling in that way. I tried to ignore and not care, but as each episode continued, I was bristling more and more.

I asked him to stop.He was very surprised, and pushed back saying he likes the genre and always has. I pointed out in 15 years, he’s never watched it. And this is one ask I have - that I just can’t stand it.

He listened. I felt like one really direct issue in 15 years was justified.

I still felt like a jerk, but it was irritating my peace in our own home. And other than that I don’t make demands or say he can’t do stuff.

This is such a weird example. Couldn’t he just use headphones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I offer a trade. "I will let you do or buy [insert details] if you let me do what I want."

This is similar to what I try to do also.

He goes on a weekend guys trip every year - so he certainty couldn't tell me I couldn't go on a girl's trip.
We both work, so if we can afford something - he can't tell me not buy something. On the shared space thing - I would try to offer some kind of compromise if it was something I really wanted.

[Anonymous]

"Yes, I understand that." And proceed as planned.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask, just inform. And not way ahead of time. Unless it involves the care of children.

[Anonymous]

no reason for talk about it

[Anonymous]

We have accounts not related to the budget so we would use that money.