Reply to Feel horrified by how close I came to suicide when I have young kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Also, OP here again.

Is there like depression related PTSD? I’m having a rough day and with my depressive episode before the thoughts started out as

“I hate doing this, this feels awful” to
“I can’t do this” to
“I really suck at this and I’m not cut out for this” to
“I never should have had kids, I’m a piece of crap” to
“I want to die”
“I want to die”
And then it became all about trying to figure out how to make that happen.

I’m definitely having all the thoughts today that preceded the suicidal stage and I’m so afraid that’s coming next.

I struggle a lot with overwhelm and feeling trapped/drowning like I cannot handle my children and I need to escape, but there’s never any real meaningful break.

I have a good support system (well, as good as anyone I know has, and we are unable to fortify it further and have already put all the money we possibly can into it) so I don’t need help brainstorming that.[/quote]

Op I'm so sorry. Just here to empathize and though it isn't my personal experience, I think this is very much what my husband experiences and I'm grateful for your sharing because the way you described it helped me understand him better. You aren't alone in these feelings.

I do want to reiterate that while it is so understandable, please do not be afraid to tell your therapist even though it means you lied. I am a therapist and I would never be upset at my clients for this. It is normal for clients to take time to fully share themselves, their fears, their thoughts. So incredibly normal. They will be so grateful that you are sharing now so that they can be a better help to you in the future. This is part of building strong relationships, these bumps and then repairing. A therapist relationship is like that too, you say hey I want to share something and it scares me to share it because I didn't fully share earlier on. And I'm worried that will make you upset with me.

From a therapist perspective, this will be a good thing that you are sharing, a show that the safety in the therapeutic relationship is building. That is part of the journey to healing. As your therapist, I would really like to know that cascade of thoughts just as you shared it. You could even write it down just like you did, print it and hand it to them if it would be easier. [/quote]

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