How do you get your tween to DO something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously we've been trying, but he's always had excuses. I know, we should have forced, but too late for hindsight. Is it ok to force now?

Yes. But give him the choice of A or B and try to pick something other kids haven’t been doing for years. Lego robotics? Coding? Something with screens but also a team or social component to get him started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who mandate, how do you force them to go? [/quote

At this age, I still control everything -- money, rides to places, access to a phone, etc. I'm not physically picking anyone up and putting them in the car, but if I say it's a requirement, then they do it because the alternative is a very unhappy home life. Some things are also phrased as a family rule.

OP should also be thinking about starting out high school better than middle school has gone. Tell DS that he has to join a no-cut fall sport in the 9th grade (this will start in August), whatever that may be. Being around peers who are also doing things is positive peer pressure. Another PP mentioned that by 13 most kids aren't going to join something because they aren't good at it, which is true, but there are some rec league teams filled with kids just starting out in the sport.

As a long term strategy, you're almost past the time to get them used to you being in control even if physically it's not the truth anymore. The last thing you want is to try establishing hierarchy and boundaries when they're 6 feet tall with a driver's license.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what’s going on in your house, but my sons knew when I my requests were serious. You aren’t demanding that he join the cross country team. You are simply requiring him to join a few clubs. I am curious, what kind of chores does your son do in the home? From yard work to leaf raking to garage cleaning to cooking dinner?

[Anonymous]

I incentivize activity participation but the most important thing is to make the wifi and/or phone much less available. Also take the remotes and controllers.

I think you’ll see a change when that is implemented. You can just phrase it as screen free downtime.

[Anonymous]

Good grades, but lots of screen time. No history of forcing extracurriculars.

You’re still the parent. You can force at 13. It goes like this: “detailed explanation as to why you think he should do extracurricular (mental health, college prospects, too much screen time, structured socialization, whatever) AND because I think you need to be a well-rounded person/fully educated person, you will be choosing an extracurricular or I will choose one for you. Screens will not be used at all during the weeks when extracurricular is not participated in.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who mandate, how do you force them to go?

Ultimatums. We told our son he had to do one activity — anything. And if he refused to do one there would be NO screens - zero- and after school hours would just be homework and chores. So now he’s in Scouts.

[Anonymous]

Control over the wifi password is the most powerful parenting tool any of us have.

Honestly, some days I feel like it’s the only tool I need. We must have it easier than out parents and grandparents in this regard.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how these 13 year olds have no extracurricular interests. How do you get to 13 and not be into anything (besides screentime)?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how these 13 year olds have no extracurricular interests. How do you get to 13 and not be into anything (besides screentime)?!

Because not all kids are exactly like yours.

[Anonymous]

bribery, seriously.

"Joey, pick one of these three things. They meet twice a week. And if you complete the activity, you will get X."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how these 13 year olds have no extracurricular interests. How do you get to 13 and not be into anything (besides screentime)?!

Not all kids do extras. My friends lives in my neighborhood, we were all good. Not saying it's the same for everyone, but activities aren't the be all end all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him the rec department flyer and tell him he has to choose something.

And if he doesn't?

You take him on errands with you, like to the grocery store or Walgreens. You don’t make it a punishment and think of it as you getting your kid out of the house and off of the video games but tell him he has to come. Sometimes throw in something fun like lunch together or ice cream.

My son sometimes joined a rec sport but often did nothing. He’s now 15 and has his permit. He’s always willing to hop off electronics to drive me anywhere since he likes driving. You can’t force them to join anything once they hit middle school.

[Anonymous]

What do his friends do? Our DS was hesitant to do anything new in middle school and wouldn't try anything I suggested. When his friends starting doing activities, he wanted to join.

[Anonymous]

I would turn off the WiFi for the house and say if he doesn't have activities then he has more chores. And if he isn't productive then he can kiss driving good bye in a few years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do his friends do? Our DS was hesitant to do anything new in middle school and wouldn't try anything I suggested. When his friends starting doing activities, he wanted to join.

At this point, this is your best bet.