How do you get your tween to DO something?
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Anonymous
| 13 year old DS refuses to even TRY afterschool activities - his response to everything I suggest is "I'm not interested in that." Boy Scouts, robotics club, various instruments, chess, CAP, sports...I feel like I've suggested it all, and he just isn't interested. I can't force a 13-year-old to attend an activity (right?), so what do I do? |
Anonymous
| Ok so does he have other things in his life that he likes to do and does?? If so, why push activities? Even if it's a screen time issue, make him find something else to-do and see how it goes. Or do you just want him in an activity? |
Anonymous
| He has nothing. Just school and an hour of church on Sundays. I've literally been suggesting things for years without agreement. |
Anonymous
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What is he currently doing with all his after school hours? |
Anonymous
| What does he do with his time? |
Anonymous
| What has he done after school since first grade? The time to start new thing sis young while they are into things and new experiences and want to please. By 13 they don't want to do anything they aren't already good at. |
Anonymous
Suggesting or saying "one physical and one academic/arty activity per season for you to be a well rounded person. Now do you want karate or soccer this fall? |
Anonymous
Not always true, but mostly true. And it's hard to even persuade some 13 year olds to continue doing what they're already good at! I just feel like a top-level diplomat: always persuading, cajoling, quid pro quo-ing, helping their adolescent brains project themselves into the future (a few years from now, vs. a week from now)... OP, you need to identify the source of his refusal. If it's anxiety, what does he fear? Being too busy and not having downtime? Having to navigate a different social scene? Not being the best one, or failing, because he's new? Drill down, identify the root cause, present it to him, and say that exposure is the best management tool he has, and he needs to try something so he can build resilience. Don't say it's non-negotiable, but present it to him in that way. He has to choose the least objectionable, according to his lights. |
Anonymous
Literally nothing? Like no hanging out with friends or other hobbies/fun things he likes to do? |
Anonymous
| A BIG chore list. |
Anonymous
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So all these years in primary and middle school, what did you think the other families were doing? It's a bit late to instill the idea that kids need to do things outside of school, but better late than never. If you've faced more refusal than you think is normal, then perhaps your child needs an evaluation, for social anxiety or autism. Usually those are the two roadblocks to social participation. |
Anonymous
| We mandate one activity per season. Currently our tween is in her school play and playing flag football. In the winter she's planning on Taekwondo, then popping back to flag football and adding horseback riding for spring/summer. We don't need to her be in an intensive activity, just doing something either through school or locally. It's been great to give her the chance to try a variety of things from including diving, track, scouts, etc. But, as others have mentioned, this has been in place for quite a while. |
Anonymous
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I think that you limit the screens and insist on a family service activity somewhere. Also, some kind of exercise or outdoor thing weekly. I think you can go towards middle school with the rule that he must participate each quarter in some school activity. Just tell him now that is the expectation.
If he has reasonable grades and friends that he sees outside of school, he’s okay. If he’s only focused on screens, which you didn’t say, that’s another thing. He is also old enough to be doing regular chores and learning to cook and to repair things around the house. Those kinds of skills will increase self-esteem. Sit him down and explain that he is becoming a young man and these outside experiences are part of growing up, and try to sound excited about it while being firm. Take him swimming or ice skating or on a hike, whether he wants to or not. He can bring a friend. It’s not so much about the classes as it is about getting out and trying things. You can also put some of the research on him for finding things to do within a budget. Lots of kids aren’t in organized activities, but are busy with other things. |
Anonymous
| You give him the rec department flyer and tell him he has to choose something. |
Anonymous
| Obviously we've been trying, but he's always had excuses. I know, we should have forced, but too late for hindsight. Is it ok to force now? |