Ungrateful and judgmental towards parents

[Anonymous]

My parents are great as are my in-laws. This is a site for complaining. In Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar it was written “Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him”. Keep in mind that Caesar was slain in the Roman Forum now known as the DC Forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture and religion where honoring thy parents, specially mothers is highly valued. Even here in US, most families of all origins from my observations, seems to have similar values even if not at similar level. However, people on this forum come across as ungrateful and highly judgmental towards their parents, specially mothers. Why is that so?

Why do you care what others do. Sometimes you get terrible parents. Why should I honor them for just doing the bare minimum?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

I came from one of those cultures where blaming the parents is unthinkable. Guess what, it's one heck of a repressive society to grow up in. It's not just parents that cannot be blamed, but also the government and all authority. Basically, everything is authoritarian and there's no freedom of expression.

There are lots of problems in this country, but I'm thankful that at least we have the freedom to question some of our questionable upbringing, challenge abusive parents, and voice our dissent against political leaders.

You are getting all kinds of things mixed up but, yes, you are allowed to hate your parents.

And you're being deliberately obtuse by minimizing some people's suffering at the hands of their abusive parents as "We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture"

I don't hate my parents. I do reserve the right to question their parenting methods. And every child should have that right. To blanketly state that it's unthinkable to blame one's parents is antithetical to a society that values free think and free speech.

You can question all you want. We all have that right. Questioning is not blaming though. Again you are getting things mixed up.

And yet the OP calls that being "ungrateful and highly judgmental".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely talk about it (except to my therapist), but my SAH mother's parenting tools were yelling, hitting, and emotional neglect, plus her brother molested me. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result. And while I've mostly made my peace with what happened, I stay very low contact with her.

What is it I should be honoring?

I'm saying all this because not everyone gets an honorable parent.

+1000. Well-said, PP.

[Anonymous]

The people on here who get most upset about the comments criticizing or complaining about parents are people who feel implicated by those comments.

So people who have been cut off by their own adult kids tend to get very angry about comments from people discussing how they have cut off their parents, or are contemplating doing so.

People who hit their kids, screamed at them, neglected them, are also the people who tend to get most up in arms about how people should "be grateful for" and honor their parents. Because they want their kids to be forced into gratitude and honoring them despite the abuse.

People who are loving, nurturing parents who genuinely did their best don't tend be be bothered by OTHER people who are to grateful for their parents. Why would they be. If their kids are grateful, and loving (which, if the parents were loving and kind, their kids will be on some level) who are they to tell someone else how to feel?

This idea that as a culture, everyone should be grateful for their parents and honor them, regardless of whether those parents were loving, supportive, kind, whether or not they hit you or screamed at you, whether they fed you or took care of you when sick, is weird. There's obviously a broad range of parenting no matter what culture you are from. Some parents are amazing, some are terrible. Why would you need ALL people to be grateful to their parents even if they might have had objectively terrible parents? It just makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

New poster here. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are always two sides to every story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

New poster here. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are always two sides to every story.

What you're doing is gaslighting.

Trust me, parents like this exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

New poster here. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are always two sides to every story.

What do you think the other side of this story is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom had undiagnosed mental illnesses. I've tried to make sense of her as a person and as a parent my whole life with limited success. I come here for free therapy.

This. Just last week my mother told me she didn’t care about me. Exact words: “I don’t care about you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

New poster here. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are always two sides to every story.

If there are two sides to every story, why are you so convinced that this PP's story is false? Even if the PP's parents would have another spin on this that might add context (maybe they'd say that the PP needs less help than a sibling who has more issues and therefore they are more hands off, or maybe they'd say that what PP interprets as meanness is tough love, etc.) but why would you assume the PP's factual statements about the help they have not received and their parents health and proximity are false?

Nothing is black and white, but it's extremely weird to just completely disregard someone's description of their own life. They obviously know much better than you do.

[Anonymous]

You are deluded, OP. My husband and I, combined, come from three non-American patriarchal cultures, where respect for elders is paramount.

Guess what? People complain less but there's just as much abusive parenting. You're just restricted from talking about it. Does it make people healthier to NOT talk about their experiences, than here where it's more socially acceptable to do so?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

What a moron.

[Anonymous]

Here’s the thing. There are so many DCUM women complaining about their parents, their in laws, their colleagues, their friends, their kids’ friends, etc - but very rarely about their own kids and never about themselves. So you gotta wonder what’s really going on and who’s really at fault.

[Anonymous]

Not all mothers are good mothers. It's not that hard.

Bringing a child into the world is a selfish act, right? It's for YOU. Why should children spend all their lives showing eternal gratitude for life when you had them for your own desires?

I am blessed with a wonderful mother, but I also realize that not everyone should be having kids. And the ones who feel the most entitled to "gratitude" are usually the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all mothers are good mothers. It's not that hard.

Bringing a child into the world is a selfish act, right? It's for YOU. Why should children spend all their lives showing eternal gratitude for life when you had them for your own desires?

I am blessed with a wonderful mother, but I also realize that not everyone should be having kids. And the ones who feel the most entitled to "gratitude" are usually the worst.

This. When some gets mad that people are not more grateful to them, it's a big "jerk" red flag to me. Well adjusted people don't go around asking why people aren't more grateful to them.

Also, my experience as a parent is that if you are doing it so that someone will be grateful to you and fawn all over you telling you how great you are, you did it for the wrong reasons. Even if ultimately that does happen, you shouldn't become a parent unless you find the intrinsic rewards of parenting worthwhile. I feel such pride and love for my children when I see them doing well, being good people, figuring things out for themselves. I have never once thought "well why aren't they thanking ME for giving that to them?" Even though I do think the hard work I put into parenting is part of what results in those successes. But I just feel pride and don't need accolades from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

New poster here. I don’t believe you, to be honest. There are always two sides to every story.

Are you trying you say that bad parents don’t exist?