Ungrateful and judgmental towards parents

[Anonymous]

I come from a culture and religion where honoring thy parents, specially mothers is highly valued. Even here in US, most families of all origins from my observations, seems to have similar values even if not at similar level. However, people on this forum come across as ungrateful and highly judgmental towards their parents, specially mothers. Why is that so?

[Anonymous]

Selection bias...people who have good relationships with their mothers don't feel the need to post about it.
I vent about my mother a lot to my friend and she gives me ridiculous advice to cut her off which I would never do. My husband also gets annoyed with my mother's silly demands and I tell him I am honoring my father and mother as our religion teaches which shuts him up. But it still feels cathartic to write about what she does that bothers me.

[Anonymous]

My mom had undiagnosed mental illnesses. I've tried to make sense of her as a person and as a parent my whole life with limited success. I come here for free therapy.

[Anonymous]

Because I don't feel the need to speak kindly about someone who views me as a failure and tells me so constantly. I respect her to her face, though.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

[Anonymous]

We owe our children the best we can do with whatever abilities we have at the time. Period.

Our children owe our grandchildren the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I love my parents and don't whine about them on here. They weren't perfect and they did spank (which some people say causes trauma forever), but I think they were fantastic parents! I couldn't have had a better childhood.

[Anonymous]

You don't post when you're happy with the status quo. You post when you need to share your pain, because often you cannot do so in real life - maybe to your best friend, but that's only one person. Here you have an entire group of people who may have experienced the same issue, and who have opinions, some of which may be helpful.

I mean, do we really need to explain to you why people turn to online discussions, OP?!?

[Anonymous]

I rarely talk about it (except to my therapist), but my SAH mother's parenting tools were yelling, hitting, and emotional neglect, plus her brother molested me. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD as a result. And while I've mostly made my peace with what happened, I stay very low contact with her.

What is it I should be honoring?

I'm saying all this because not everyone gets an honorable parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

Do they agree with how you see it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture and religion where honoring thy parents, specially mothers is highly valued. Even here in US, most families of all origins from my observations, seems to have similar values even if not at similar level. However, people on this forum come across as ungrateful and highly judgmental towards their parents, specially mothers. Why is that so?

Same, OP. But it's easy for me to honor my mother because she gave me a good childhood. She had many shortcomings, but I never doubted her love for me. Other posters here describe childhoods that hurt to read about, and I understand why they don't have anything nice to say about their mothers.
But also, to your point, have you ever noticed how there are almost no celebrated mothers in Disney movies or folklore? There are plenty of wicked stepmothers (Cinderella) or orphans (Frozen) or just a father (Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast) What's up with that?

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to say honor your parents when your parents are not perfect but generally good, honorable people. Would you be saying the same if you had parents who were abusive and neglectful?

I think a large portion of people who post here had abusive and neglectful parents and that is precisely why they are posting. It is like free, anonymous therapy. If they had good parents who tried their best, they wouldn’t have much reason to post…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

This is a very typical DCUM response. Makes me wonder if American parents are simply bad parents? or do more Americans have "I was a victim" attitude?