Ungrateful and judgmental towards parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

I came from one of those cultures where blaming the parents is unthinkable. Guess what, it's one heck of a repressive society to grow up in. It's not just parents that cannot be blamed, but also the government and all authority. Basically, everything is authoritarian and there's no freedom of expression.

There are lots of problems in this country, but I'm thankful that at least we have the freedom to question some of our questionable upbringing, challenge abusive parents, and voice our dissent against political leaders.

[Anonymous]

My parents have done nothing for me in many years. Even in a crisis they wouldn't help out with our easy child even for an hour despite being healthy and living five minutes away (at their insistence). If we had an emergency financially, they'd never help either. They are mean to me, to put it nicely. What should I be grateful for except my ability to distance myself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

I came from one of those cultures where blaming the parents is unthinkable. Guess what, it's one heck of a repressive society to grow up in. It's not just parents that cannot be blamed, but also the government and all authority. Basically, everything is authoritarian and there's no freedom of expression.

There are lots of problems in this country, but I'm thankful that at least we have the freedom to question some of our questionable upbringing, challenge abusive parents, and voice our dissent against political leaders.

You are getting all kinds of things mixed up but, yes, you are allowed to hate your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

Do they agree with how you see it?

Do my abusive parents agree that they abused me? My mom knows they abused us and will sometimes admit it but other times won't. She has serious mental health problems and to be honest, I don't talk about it with her much because I think if she actually confronted what she'd done, she'd be at risk of suicide.

My dad has no introspection, he doesn't think of these things at all. He does not think of his children at all. He was also abused as a child plus experienced some serious trauma has a young child and I don't think he is capable of even addressing this directly. If I chose to challenge him on it (again, I see no point in discussing this with my parents), I expect he would revert to "we put a roof over your head and fed you for 18 years" as though that is evidence against the idea of abuse.

I mean ultimately it doesn't really matter if they see it as I do. I have to figure out how to live my life given my experience "as I see it." They have to do the same. But no, I'm not going to walk around saying I'm grateful for my parents, who abused me and neglected me, because I am not. At this point I wouldn't even say I resent them. It just is what it is. I try to focus on breaking the cycle of abuse so that my own child has a better childhood (and adulthood) than I did, as well as better than my parents had.

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my parents. They were good parents when I was growing up and now. But that doesn't mean every once in while they don't do something to annoy me (particularly my Mom). I'm much more likely to comment on a post here with the annoying thing. But that doesn't mean that overall things aren't very good and I feel lucky to have good supportive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

This is a very typical DCUM response. Makes me wonder if American parents are simply bad parents? or do more Americans have "I was a victim" attitude?

Are you an immigrant? Why did you immigrate to a country where you apparently hate the culture and the prevailing attitudes about parenting? Why are you acting like a victim of this situation. Just go back to whatever country you are from where children are expected to be grateful to their parents even if they hit them and neglect them. Problem solved. You are creating conflict (and your own victimhood) by insisting on living in a place where you fundamentally disagree with the culture, and then expecting people to magically adopt your outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a culture and religion where honoring thy parents, specially mothers is highly valued. Even here in US, most families of all origins from my observations, seems to have similar values even if not at similar level. However, people on this forum come across as ungrateful and highly judgmental towards their parents, specially mothers. Why is that so?

Thunderdome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

This is a very typical DCUM response. Makes me wonder if American parents are simply bad parents? or do more Americans have "I was a victim" attitude?

Are you an immigrant? Why did you immigrate to a country where you apparently hate the culture and the prevailing attitudes about parenting? Why are you acting like a victim of this situation. Just go back to whatever country you are from where children are expected to be grateful to their parents even if they hit them and neglect them. Problem solved. You are creating conflict (and your own victimhood) by insisting on living in a place where you fundamentally disagree with the culture, and then expecting people to magically adopt your outlook.

i was a child, had no saying in family decision. so much anger

[Anonymous]

My parents were not bad parents. There are some things that they did that I've posted about on this website, but I would never mention or talk about their failings to them or to others (except my sister, we commiserate and share notes).
Am I supposed to honor my parents on the internet too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

I came from one of those cultures where blaming the parents is unthinkable. Guess what, it's one heck of a repressive society to grow up in. It's not just parents that cannot be blamed, but also the government and all authority. Basically, everything is authoritarian and there's no freedom of expression.

There are lots of problems in this country, but I'm thankful that at least we have the freedom to question some of our questionable upbringing, challenge abusive parents, and voice our dissent against political leaders.

You are getting all kinds of things mixed up but, yes, you are allowed to hate your parents.

And you're being deliberately obtuse by minimizing some people's suffering at the hands of their abusive parents as "We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture"

I don't hate my parents. I do reserve the right to question their parenting methods. And every child should have that right. To blanketly state that it's unthinkable to blame one's parents is antithetical to a society that values free think and free speech.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hard. My parents always met my physical needs, but they also stoked sibling rivalry, played favorites and were very volatile and resentful. In some ways they were great parents, but in other ways they have caused tons of hurt. I am still trying to process it all. I'm also still working on appropriate boundaries--they are still the same imperfect people who continue to hurt me with their words and actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

This is a very typical DCUM response. Makes me wonder if American parents are simply bad parents? or do more Americans have "I was a victim" attitude?

Are you an immigrant? Why did you immigrate to a country where you apparently hate the culture and the prevailing attitudes about parenting? Why are you acting like a victim of this situation. Just go back to whatever country you are from where children are expected to be grateful to their parents even if they hit them and neglect them. Problem solved. You are creating conflict (and your own victimhood) by insisting on living in a place where you fundamentally disagree with the culture, and then expecting people to magically adopt your outlook.

i was a child, had no saying in family decision. so much anger

NP. Why are you angry? Are you angry at your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

I came from one of those cultures where blaming the parents is unthinkable. Guess what, it's one heck of a repressive society to grow up in. It's not just parents that cannot be blamed, but also the government and all authority. Basically, everything is authoritarian and there's no freedom of expression.

There are lots of problems in this country, but I'm thankful that at least we have the freedom to question some of our questionable upbringing, challenge abusive parents, and voice our dissent against political leaders.

You are getting all kinds of things mixed up but, yes, you are allowed to hate your parents.

And you're being deliberately obtuse by minimizing some people's suffering at the hands of their abusive parents as "We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture"

I don't hate my parents. I do reserve the right to question their parenting methods. And every child should have that right. To blanketly state that it's unthinkable to blame one's parents is antithetical to a society that values free think and free speech.

You can question all you want. We all have that right. Questioning is not blaming though. Again you are getting things mixed up.

[Anonymous]

Because this family relationship board isn’t reflective of most Americans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I hardly ever post here. My parents were not perfect, but okay.

I believe some of the posters here have experienced a very difficult upbringing that maybe you and I were spared and that they are truly speaking about their lives.

Why should they have gratitude for a bad parents? If these posters could choose, maybe they would rather have your parents.

I guess i disagree. We all have issues and challenges growing up regardless of your background/culture. In many other cultures, blaming on your parents (whether it's justifiable or not) is just unthinkable. Here, people do it without hesitation. Always blaming their upbringing/parents for their own failures.

- np

Sure, everyone has challenges. But there is a world of difference between someone whose parents made some mistakes but largely tried to do right by their kids, and someone whose parents hit them, berated them, forced them to behave like adults from a young age, neglected them in fundamental ways, etc.

Telling someone whose parents were abusive that they should "be grateful" or not judge them is weird. If you had parents who did a good enough job that you can now objectively look at them and be grateful even while acknowledging some faults, great! But my parents were deeply immature people who had children too young, had too many kids, did not take the job of parenting seriously, and behaved in an abusive and selfish way throughout my childhood. Why would I be grateful for that? It was objectively harmful. I would do my own child a disservice by trying to spin my upbringing as "they did their best." They didn't, it's possible to do much better, and I work to do much better for my own kid.

This is a very typical DCUM response. Makes me wonder if American parents are simply bad parents? or do more Americans have "I was a victim" attitude?

Neither.