Dating and Assaults
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Anonymous
DD 23 - Many of her friends with similar experiences. DD is supportive of them, but also shared this info. DD was thinking about going on a date with a guy in one of her classes senior year. Her roommate told her that someone she knew had ‘hooked up’ with him freshmen year. DD reached out to her to get some intel and see if she was okay with DD going out with him (they weren’t close friends but knew one another thru roommate). The girl said yes - told her it was just a drunk hookup, one time, several years prior and he/she never actually dated. DD and the guy hit it off and became serious. After a couple months the roommate’s friend told DD that she was uncomfortable being around DD because she was with the BF and he had raped her freshmen year. She said she was thinking about going to file a title IX complaint. DD asked her why she didn’t share that info when DD had asked her about the guy prior to dating him. Instead she had urged DD to respond to the guy’s texts and encouraged DD to go out with him. The girl told DD she hadn’t thought about it for several years but when DD asked her about him, it made her re-analyze what had happened and now she felt it had been non-consensual sex. DD felt horrible. The BF felt even worse. He talked through his recollection of that evening with DD when she shared this new info with him and was trying to figure out what could’ve led to her feeling that it had been non-consensual. DD says if a girl says it’s rape then it’s rape. But she also doesn’t believe that her BF is a rapist. I don’t understand how both statements can be true. |
Anonymous
Is he still her BF? |
Anonymous
I think there are a lot of older women who, upon re-evaluating their previous experiences, are able to identify experiences that were not truly consensual. Situations where 18/19yo have a confusing sexual encounter are really common. It's entirely possible that your daughter's BF made another young woman feel really uncomfortable several years ago. False allegations are nowhere near as common as apologists like to make it seem. |
Anonymous
Yes, but sexual coercion is not the same thing as sexual violence. I have been sexually coerced on many, many occasions by both long term partners and more casual acquaintances. Every time ( at least 10) saying “no” or “stop” or physically leaving stopped the the aggression. I am not denying that some were dangerous situation that could have escalated. However more often than not what I have witnessed amongst my friends is that women and girls lack the ability, confidence, or judgement to simply say “No” or “Stop”. Of course men know this and target women who seem like easy targets who they can manipulate into sex. There are many men who would not forcefully continue once a woman stays stop but will absolutely sexually coerce an inebriated woman. |
Anonymous
| I’m 32, and by the time I was 23 I had been sexually harassed or assaulted in 2 internship settings, told to avoid a research opportunity that I wanted bc “everyone knew I was the professor’s type,” and had been date raped once. Most of the women I know have as many stories about harassment by professors/bosses as they do with dates. I guess #metoo has made some of the former conversations more public, but I wish people had prepared me and others who “tried to do everything right” how many jerks we would meet while trying to get the right rec letters and resume lines. |
Anonymous
I am in no way suggesting that false allegations are the norm. I experienced what was then called ‘date rape’ while in college. I very clearly said ‘no’ multiple times, he proceeded to ignore me and was physically stronger. I knew it was not consensual in the moment and so did he. There was no confusion/mixed messages. I told my roommates about it. I felt embarassed, powerless and ashamed. Did not report it. If anyone asked me about the guy I told them to stay away from him. My roommates did the same. DD was ‘date raped’ her freshmen year in a similar situation as my own. I was devastated. I’d given her advice before she left for college (don’t go upstairs at a Frat, don’t go home from a party with a guy, don’t let friend go home drunk w/a guy from a party, don’t walk home alone, etc.) Based on the OP’s daugter’s experience, my own DD’s and my own it seems that sexual assault is like 100%. I have a younger DD who recently left for college. I asked DD to tell me what I should say to her - my advice to DD obviously didn’t prevent her from experiencing the same thing that happened to me. DD said that my advice made her feel weak/vulnerable and seemed outdated. But she acknowledged that it would’ve prevented her situation from happening. She said she wished she’d known that most freshmen boys are just as sexually inexperienced/unaccustomed to excessive drinking as she was. They just faked it better. That ‘No’ is all you need to say. You don’t owe him an explanation. If you don’t feel comfortable, say it. If he doesn’t listen, MAKE him listen. Don’t feel guilty/embarassed/bad about hurting his feelings. FWIW DD and the BF are still together. I am struggling trying to reconcile all of this. Does this make us both apologists? |
Anonymous
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This episode of Hidden Brain addresses why it's so hard to say no in the moment even though we think we would be able to.
https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/in-the-heat-of-the-moment/ |
Anonymous
I read a column one time that said, if this happens to you, to scream out "stop raping me!" I'm definitely not saying it would work in every situation, but I think those words would shock a lot of men more than just saying "stop" or "no" which some perceive as a challenge. |
Anonymous
Agreed; however my experience is that when when hearing a forceful “no” men will stop. So many of these grey scenarios involve a woman who never said “No”. Of course some men don’t and that is sexual assault. Men are brainwashed by both p0rn and Andrew Tate types, their views of female sexuality are warped and even I can see how it could be ambiguous to them what a woman wants sexually. We really need to teach girls how men sexually coerce women and to say “No. Stop” or “Stop raping me”. |
Anonymous
| As a society, we need to go far. "Me too" is not enough, "Not Us" should be the approach. |
Anonymous
| No freshman should've to worry about rape and assault going to college. Colleges need to do more. |
Anonymous
| What's happening with app dating? |
Anonymous
+1. Even my DH would be shocked if I listed how many times I’ve been sexually assaulted, but among my friends of all walks of life it’s absolutely typical. I’ve been so conditioned to downplay it that I was once asked and answered, “oh, only once”. My friend was like, wait, what about x time. So I said twice. And then I realized how many other incidents I’d brushed off or tried to forget about and it was 9. 9! |
Anonymous
As well, the current lay person’s definition of a “sexual assault” is huge and much broader than it was in the 80s/90s. Did your coworker hug your upper shoulder only with one hand for 0.25 seconds while simultaneously saying “good luck!” at your going away dinner — in front of 11 witnesses ? If so, you may have been “sexually assaulted” !!!! Make sure he gets fired, and definitely post this episode to SM with a lengthy description of how you didn’t feel “safe” |
Anonymous
Stay on target. She asked about young adults. |