Dating and Assaults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 23. Most of her friends have been raped. She herself has been assaulted twice, forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly. Both times she was drunk.

What has your young adult's experience been?

WTF I am a male and I am like WTF... If I sent this to my friends' group they would probably say the same...

say that they were raped?

Why is it surprising? Lots of boys also get raped and assaulted, mostly by people they know. Its a sad world.

Yes I know 1 in 6 vs 1 in 4 for women but from my experience males never discuss it, they'd be like wow wild that's insane, instead of me too. Good for you that you have friends that are open.

It is more that pp compared boys to women. Off topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 23. Most of her friends have been raped. She herself has been assaulted twice, forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly. Both times she was drunk.

What has your young adult's experience been?

My DD is young and not dating. But there is a similar experience with myself and my friend group. The things we have experienced or endured (e.g., groping at work, sexual assault and rape, being held down and told "you know you want it") would be shocking to people. Not only for the fact these things happened -which is bad enough- but the boys/men who did it. It's the all-American star QB, the "nice boy" from the family down the street. The son of the teacher or coach. It's not just the overt creeps doing things like this. And even if we told you, you wouldn't believe us.

And it's not an exception.

Coming here to say this. I don't think I know a single adult woman who hasn't experienced some form of sexual coercion in a romantic relationship. I have. My sister and mother have. My friends. Their friends. Your friends. Men feel entitled to women's bodies. Whether it's in a relationship or not. Whether they even know you or not.

It's not that it's happening more. It's that we are not concealing it to protect men's feelings and our reputations anymore.

Yes, but sexual coercion is not the same thing as sexual violence. I have been sexually coerced on many, many occasions by both long term partners and more casual acquaintances. Every time ( at least 10) saying “no” or “stop” or physically leaving stopped the the aggression. I am not denying that some were dangerous situation that could have escalated.

However more often than not what I have witnessed amongst my friends is that women and girls lack the ability, confidence, or judgement to simply say “No” or “Stop”. Of course men know this and target women who seem like easy targets who they can manipulate into sex. There are many men who would not forcefully continue once a woman stays stop but will absolutely sexually coerce an inebriated woman.

I read a column one time that said, if this happens to you, to scream out "stop raping me!" I'm definitely not saying it would work in every situation, but I think those words would shock a lot of men more than just saying "stop" or "no" which some perceive as a challenge.

Agreed; however my experience is that when when hearing a forceful “no” men will stop. So many of these grey scenarios involve a woman who never said “No”. Of course some men don’t and that is sexual assault.

Men are brainwashed by both p0rn and Andrew Tate types, their views of female sexuality are warped and even I can see how it could be ambiguous to them what a woman wants sexually. We really need to teach girls how men sexually coerce women and to say “No. Stop” or “Stop raping me”.

+1 both genders need a lot of work here. Women need to be stronger and speak up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 23. Most of her friends have been raped. She herself has been assaulted twice, forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly. Both times she was drunk.

What has your young adult's experience been?

WTF I am a male and I am like WTF... If I sent this to my friends' group they would probably say the same...

You don’t know what your friends do behind closed doors. I’m female and I’d bet every single one of my friends have been sexually assaulted at some point. In college, I was about to be raised at a house party, but another guy heard it and banged on the door and told the guy to let me go. That guy was probably a guy like you, so thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 23. Most of her friends have been raped. She herself has been assaulted twice, forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly. Both times she was drunk.

What has your young adult's experience been?

DD 23 - Many of her friends with similar experiences. DD is supportive of them, but also shared this info. DD was thinking about going on a date with a guy in one of her classes senior year. Her roommate told her that someone she knew had ‘hooked up’ with him freshmen year. DD reached out to her to get some intel and see if she was okay with DD going out with him (they weren’t close friends but knew one another thru roommate). The girl said yes - told her it was just a drunk hookup, one time, several years prior and he/she never actually dated. DD and the guy hit it off and became serious. After a couple months the roommate’s friend told DD that she was uncomfortable being around DD because she was with the BF and he had raped her freshmen year. She said she was thinking about going to file a title IX complaint.

DD asked her why she didn’t share that info when DD had asked her about the guy prior to dating him. Instead she had urged DD to respond to the guy’s texts and encouraged DD to go out with him. The girl told DD she hadn’t thought about it for several years but when DD asked her about him, it made her re-analyze what had happened and now she felt it had been non-consensual sex.

DD felt horrible. The BF felt even worse. He talked through his recollection of that evening with DD when she shared this new info with him and was trying to figure out what could’ve led to her feeling that it had been non-consensual.

DD says if a girl says it’s rape then it’s rape. But she also doesn’t believe that her BF is a rapist. I don’t understand how both statements can be true.

I think there are a lot of older women who, upon re-evaluating their previous experiences, are able to identify experiences that were not truly consensual. Situations where 18/19yo have a confusing sexual encounter are really common. It's entirely possible that your daughter's BF made another young woman feel really uncomfortable several years ago. False allegations are nowhere near as common as apologists like to make it seem.

I'm in my 40s now and, looking back, can say that I enthusiastically consented to almost none of the sex I had in my twenties and thirties.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in India. The society frowns upon the mixing of genders and we were always chaperoned. So, date rapes were uncommon. However, in a lot of situations, if you are alone, you are at risk of being harassed or sexually assaulted. It did not matter if you wore conservative clothes, did not drink or smoke, did not talk to someone - you were a target. From the cops, to coworkers, to bosses, to professors, to neighbors, to relatives, to passengers in bus and trains. You did not feel safe anywhere. Stranger harassment was a real thing.

So, US was a breath of fresh air. Your bottoms was not being pinched at the grocery store and the relentless harassment was not there. But, date-rape is much more rampant here. In fact, it is an epidemic. 3 of my DD's friends have also been date-raped in college. Mostly, they are not very aware of what happened, because they woke up in someone's bed naked. For one, it was alcohol, being blackout drunk and also making out with the guy in his friend's room. Others have been roofied at bars, forced into having sex with Tinder dates etc. Yes, some of these girls were doing risky behavior but they did not deserve to be raped.

My kids have listened to me about how to minimize risks and keep safe. But, then when we have a brilliant young lady who did everything right and then she gets killed in Baltimore, you wonder if your kids are really safe anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prior to the mid-1970s, marital rape was not illegal and it wasn't until 1994 that all marital exemptions were removed.

Maryland's marital rape statutes were removed from the books two days ago.

Changes in the courts: Starting on Oct.1, the state will repeal the “spousal defense” – a provision in the law that prohibited someone from being prosecuted for rape or other sexual crimes against their legal spouse.

https://dcist.com/story/23/09/27/new-laws-dc-md-va-october-2023/

(IANAL -- my point is about rape culture, not the ultimate patchwork of laws that may have given women recourse, despite the state laws.)

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but it "most" of your DD's friends have been -- I'm going to use quotes here -- "raped," which is a felony crime, there is a problem with the the way these girls are living their lives.

I'm guessing they all get drunk, wear skimpy clothes, hook up with guys left and right....then wonder why they are waking up next to some dude they don't recognize with used condoms on the ground.

[Anonymous]

I’m, no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly.

If she was forced it's not willingly. That's rape.

Reread this poor miter’s post.

She said the daughter was alone with him willingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying it’s not true, but your daughter sounds like a real mess. Why she would be telling her mother that she gets drunk and gets raped is beyond me. She needs help.

Because they have a good relationship!

Wouldn’t you hope your daughter would come to you if she had been raped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly.

If she was forced it's not willingly. That's rape.

Reread this poor miter’s post.

She said the daughter was alone with him willingly.

Yes but sex was not consensual. I'm alone with people all the time willingly that doesn't mean they can have sex with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This occurs way more frequently now than it did in my day. I agree WTF. Come on though I can't be the only mom who has heard of this happening.

Doubtful it is more frequent. It is likely more spoken about vs a lifelong secret shrouded in shame.

As well, the current lay person’s definition of a “sexual assault” is huge and much broader than it was in the 80s/90s.

Did your coworker hug your upper shoulder only with one hand for 0.25 seconds while simultaneously saying “good luck!” at your going away dinner — in front of 11 witnesses ?

If so, you may have been “sexually assaulted” !!!!

Make sure he gets fired, and definitely post this episode to SM with a lengthy description of how you didn’t feel “safe”

You are the type of ignorant rapist sympathizer who perpetuates the status quo.

Of course the scenario you described is not legal harassment, nor would it get someone fired.

Many many more women are silent in the face of rape and sexual assault than ever exaggerate such incidents.

You should hope that your daughter, wife or mother are not the ones who teach you this fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:forced to have sex by someone she was alone with willingly.

If she was forced it's not willingly. That's rape.

Reread this poor miter’s post.

She said the daughter was alone with him willingly.

Yes but sex was not consensual. I'm alone with people all the time willingly that doesn't mean they can have sex with me.

Right, that is why she said her daughter had been raped. Her wording was accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but it "most" of your DD's friends have been -- I'm going to use quotes here -- "raped," which is a felony crime, there is a problem with the the way these girls are living their lives.

I'm guessing they all get drunk, wear skimpy clothes, hook up with guys left and right....then wonder why they are waking up next to some dude they don't recognize with used condoms on the ground.

Oh, goodie. Andrew Tate found the thread. How's the internet service from prison, Andy?

[Anonymous]

First, women aren’t “asking for it” with skimpy clothes any more than a man in a nice suit with a nice watch is “asking” to be mugged. Both are calling attention to themselves and might enjoy certain types of attention but that doesn’t mean they want to be attacked.

But I was going to share also how complicated it can be. The first person I fooled around with was 19 and I was 16. (We were in a country where 16 was the age of consent) On one hand he continued to push for something after I’d told him no. On the other hand, when I told him that I was sure he was looking for more but I just wasn’t ready he said “I hope that’s the last time you apologize to anybody for setting boundaries for yourself.” So he really didn’t seem to be even aware that he had pushed those boundaries minutes earlier.