What do you call this in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

I have a really hard time with this at work too. How do you deal with it? How do you help them save face in this scenario? You say something like "no worries" and then pick it up yourself and handle the situation? I am still learning.

I don’t really say anything, and I don’t pick it up myself.
I just kind of look at the thing that they missed and let them amend their plan for the day.

Like OP could have said:
“Did you get the cake?”
Her husband says, “no.”
She says, “oh, ok.”
Then a few minutes later, he says, “I will get the cake and meet you at the party.”
She says, “oh, thank you. That’s a great idea.”

What happens in the 90% of cases where he doesn't volunteer to get the cake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask how his parents reacted when he made a mistake as a child. I think the answer you're looking for is there.

+1

My husband’s father is verbally abusive. His mother then would turn and unleash on my husband and pick at him for everything. Basically victim turned abuser.

When we first got together he’d be very sensitive if he thought I was criticizing/critiquing him. I told him a few times that it felt like he was arguing with someone other than me because I’ve never said something hurtful on purpose and I’m not the type to pick at people.

Through therapy he realized it was from his childhood and how he felt like he was constantly attacked for things he didn’t do. It was eye-opening because he was, in fact, arguing with someone other than me in those cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

Oof. That’s rough.

I’d go to therapy yourself then. It would probably help you to have a professional walk you through this.

[Anonymous]

What was this thing you needed for a social event? Would he have suffered any negative repercussions for forgetting it? If so, next time let the chips fall where they may and he can experience the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

Wow, he sounds psychotic, mean and nasty.

I appreciate that. I think he is mean and nasty, but he’s always telling me that I’m the problem and an awful, critical person who’s hellbent on making him feel bad. I’m not perfect and he doesn’t treat anyone else this way. I swing between confidence that he’s an emotionally abusive jerk and the feeling that I brought this on myself and an opposite feeling: that I deserve it and if I could just be quiet and not acknowledge his mistakes I wouldn’t be in this mess.

Messed up, I know.

This is why you need to be in therapy.

Without knowing more about your OP (I assume this is OP), did you go too far by asking him to call your friends saying you’d be late? Could you have just been late? (I am never late and can’t stand it when people are but some events don’t have a hard start time so asking someone to say this for a backyard BBQ, for example, feels over the top). Could you have just texted? I don’t think anyone likes messing up and being called out on it, and it sounds like your issues run way deeper than this incident and to be clear I am not blaming you in any way, but I think therapy would help you figure out how you can try to move forward and how not to beat yourself up over things that aren’t your fault. That’s why I brought up the calling thing - maybe learning to recognize if you are being critical would be helpful. Again, not blaming you, he sounds in the wrong, but I know sometimes I say the wrong thing or say things the wrong way and knowing that I did is helpful because then I can apologize.