What do you call this in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Look up defensiveness and Gottman institute
Lots of good material there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it called? Defensiveness. Has he always been like this? It tends to arise out of personality. Some people just never manage to take (perceived?) criticism or constructive feedback well. If he hasn't always been like this, your marriage is likely on the rocks (but I would assume you know that).

He’s probably always been like this but having a house of little kids and lots to juggle just makes more opportunity for mistakes and mishaps. So it’s escalated, and in a way that I can’t unconsciously work around the way I used to. Something about having kids makes me willing to work through their unwarranted but real feelings of embarrassment when they mess up but really impatient with a fellow adult who expects the same treatment.

PP here. Yeah, I can totally understand that. Unfortunately, people don't tend to change. You need to figure out if you can continue to put up with it. What I don't like is the language he's using -- you said when you suggested therapy he said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”. That is nasty and dismissive. I would have a very hard time sharing life with someone who spoke to me like that. But you have kids and I don't, so you might put up with more than I would.

[Anonymous]

How immature of him to sulk and not help you with bedtime. He must either have a big ego and/or very low self-esteem. He needs therapy. If he won't go then you should go and you can always tell him you won't be treated this way and divorce could be on the table if he keeps this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

I have a really hard time with this at work too. How do you deal with it? How do you help them save face in this scenario? You say something like "no worries" and then pick it up yourself and handle the situation? I am still learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it called? Defensiveness. Has he always been like this? It tends to arise out of personality. Some people just never manage to take (perceived?) criticism or constructive feedback well. If he hasn't always been like this, your marriage is likely on the rocks (but I would assume you know that).

He’s probably always been like this but having a house of little kids and lots to juggle just makes more opportunity for mistakes and mishaps. So it’s escalated, and in a way that I can’t unconsciously work around the way I used to. Something about having kids makes me willing to work through their unwarranted but real feelings of embarrassment when they mess up but really impatient with a fellow adult who expects the same treatment.

PP here. Yeah, I can totally understand that. Unfortunately, people don't tend to change. You need to figure out if you can continue to put up with it. What I don't like is the language he's using -- you said when you suggested therapy he said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”. That is nasty and dismissive. I would have a very hard time sharing life with someone who spoke to me like that. But you have kids and I don't, so you might put up with more than I would.

It’s complicated with kids- I don’t fully know how to walk the line between putting them in a situation where they could be totally alone with him without me to protect them versus the situation they’re in now, where they overhear this language and see his behavior toward me.

[Anonymous]

I wish there was a class for men on how to handle small problems in life with responsibility, grace, and congeniality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

I have a really hard time with this at work too. How do you deal with it? How do you help them save face in this scenario? You say something like "no worries" and then pick it up yourself and handle the situation? I am still learning.

It’s a great way to get other people to fix your mistakes and do your work…

[Anonymous]

Here is the Post article on projecting: https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/02/13/projection-relationships-conflict-management/?itid=sr_27

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My significant other acts in the same manner. I would love advice.

This never taking responsibility all seems like ego, disrespect and gaslighting.

Could be a mental problem and they started ODD to “cope” and attack others instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

Wow, he sounds psychotic, mean and nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it called? Defensiveness. Has he always been like this? It tends to arise out of personality. Some people just never manage to take (perceived?) criticism or constructive feedback well. If he hasn't always been like this, your marriage is likely on the rocks (but I would assume you know that).

He’s probably always been like this but having a house of little kids and lots to juggle just makes more opportunity for mistakes and mishaps. So it’s escalated, and in a way that I can’t unconsciously work around the way I used to. Something about having kids makes me willing to work through their unwarranted but real feelings of embarrassment when they mess up but really impatient with a fellow adult who expects the same treatment.

PP here. Yeah, I can totally understand that. Unfortunately, people don't tend to change. You need to figure out if you can continue to put up with it. What I don't like is the language he's using -- you said when you suggested therapy he said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”. That is nasty and dismissive. I would have a very hard time sharing life with someone who spoke to me like that. But you have kids and I don't, so you might put up with more than I would.

It’s complicated with kids- I don’t fully know how to walk the line between putting them in a situation where they could be totally alone with him without me to protect them versus the situation they’re in now, where they overhear this language and see his behavior toward me.

Join the club.

Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

Not acceptable way to treat others. Very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

Wow, he sounds psychotic, mean and nasty.

I appreciate that. I think he is mean and nasty, but he’s always telling me that I’m the problem and an awful, critical person who’s hellbent on making him feel bad. I’m not perfect and he doesn’t treat anyone else this way. I swing between confidence that he’s an emotionally abusive jerk and the feeling that I brought this on myself and an opposite feeling: that I deserve it and if I could just be quiet and not acknowledge his mistakes I wouldn’t be in this mess.

Messed up, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

I have a really hard time with this at work too. How do you deal with it? How do you help them save face in this scenario? You say something like "no worries" and then pick it up yourself and handle the situation? I am still learning.

I don’t really say anything, and I don’t pick it up myself.
I just kind of look at the thing that they missed and let them amend their plan for the day.

Like OP could have said:
“Did you get the cake?”
Her husband says, “no.”
She says, “oh, ok.”
Then a few minutes later, he says, “I will get the cake and meet you at the party.”
She says, “oh, thank you. That’s a great idea.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

😱 Yikes!
Your husband is acting like a total tool.

Has he always been like this??

If he won’t go to counseling, then I think you should go on your own in order to figure out how to deal w/these immature relationship issues.

Good luck.