What do you call this in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

My DH hates feeling wrong or facing a mistake and is super defensive. He brings history into every interaction as a way of deflecting his role in a current, challenging situation.

Here’s an example: last night he forgot to get something for a social event. I said “oh no. Can you go get it now and I’ll meet you there? And call them so they know we’ll be late?

Instead of saying oops, I can’t believe I forgot to get that, and calling them and just getting the thing, he instead went on a rant about how I was making it way too big of a deal just like I did about some random thing that I couldn’t even remember from the first week of August and it wasn’t his fault anyway. And then after the event he sulked and watched tv instead of helping with bedtime. When I called him out on that, he got even angrier and basically said that I shouldn’t ask anything of him ever again if “that’s how you’re going to be”.

This isn’t the first time this has happened and I feel like I have to ignore every mishap or tiptoe around him and soothe his ego when a mishap does happen. I’m hard on myself and a self-deprecating person, so the idea of not owning a mistake and feeling kind of bad about it is foreign to me. I recognize we’re different but I think he takes it too far.

I’d like to be able to read a little and understand why he does this and what part I play in it, but I don’t know what I would even describe it as. Can anyone help?

[Anonymous]

I would ask how his parents reacted when he made a mistake as a child. I think the answer you're looking for is there.

[Anonymous]

My significant other acts in the same manner. I would love advice.

[Anonymous]

Is he open to couples’ therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he open to couples’ therapy?

I asked. He said “if you’re going to be like this then you’re the one that needs therapy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask how his parents reacted when he made a mistake as a child. I think the answer you're looking for is there.

I don’t think his parents gave him room to make mistakes- from the little I know, they had high expectations but also bend over backward to make things easy for him.

[Anonymous]

What is it called? Defensiveness. Has he always been like this? It tends to arise out of personality. Some people just never manage to take (perceived?) criticism or constructive feedback well. If he hasn't always been like this, your marriage is likely on the rocks (but I would assume you know that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask how his parents reacted when he made a mistake as a child. I think the answer you're looking for is there.

I don’t think his parents gave him room to make mistakes- from the little I know, they had high expectations but also bend over backward to make things easy for him.

So that sounds to me like he doesn't know how to handle mistakes. He doesn't differentiate between "whoops, forgot a card for a friend" and "oh shit, i'm going to get fired and go to prison" in his gut reaction. I agree with going to therapy - even if he won't go to couples therapy with you, you can go and get advice on how to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it called? Defensiveness. Has he always been like this? It tends to arise out of personality. Some people just never manage to take (perceived?) criticism or constructive feedback well. If he hasn't always been like this, your marriage is likely on the rocks (but I would assume you know that).

He’s probably always been like this but having a house of little kids and lots to juggle just makes more opportunity for mistakes and mishaps. So it’s escalated, and in a way that I can’t unconsciously work around the way I used to. Something about having kids makes me willing to work through their unwarranted but real feelings of embarrassment when they mess up but really impatient with a fellow adult who expects the same treatment.

[Anonymous]

I'd call it a problem.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

[Anonymous]

He feels criticized.

Were you criticizing him? No. Should he feel criticized? No. I agree it probably stems from childhood patterns. He has to see this as a problem, want to change it, and work to change that need to respond to a perceived criticism by by defending himself since he's not actually under attack (although he feels like he is).

[Anonymous]

Read about DARVO to avoid accountability. That’s what he’s doing even though not consciously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t most men like this? I feel like I deal with this at work all of the time.
You have to give men some way to save face when they make a mistake. They know they screwed up. You really don’t have to hammer it in. Once it comes to light, you just keep doing your thing and let him figure out how to fix it.

[/quote-]
Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Rejection sensitive dysphoria? Perceived rejection when you correct him? Do you do this a lot? Maybe asking him to call the friends and confess he messed up pushed him over the edge? Is it just that he’s forgetting things or he’s making mistakes that need correcting?

Maybe he’s aware of hi shortcomings but he is projecting the self-criticism so that it seems like you are the one criticizing. There was an article about this kind of projection a couple of months ago in the Washington Post.