My Best Friend Lied To Me...Again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who would tell lies like this as well. I think it was compulsive, but I notice the lies always, always made her look good. Sometimes she'd do it and I just wouldn't understand because it was such a fantastical lie, and I'd ask follow up questions thinking I'd misunderstood, and she'd get angry and dig in deeper.

She would never admit she did it. Even when it was obvious.

That friendship ultimately died for a variety of reasons and the lying wound up being a side issue and not the primary issue. But in retrospect, it was a massive red flag about her. I think she was deeply insecure and lied to promote or aggrandize herself. She was also hyper-competitive and had a tendency to put me down or minimize things about me (both good and bad -- she'd dismiss my job as "easy" right after I got a promotion, but she'd also minimize the fact that my mom was sick as not a big deal even if I was quite worried). I think it felt threatening to her for anyone else to get even small amounts of attention, praise, or concern, about anything. The lies I think were designed to pull attention.

That's what that roses lie sounds like to me -- an effort to get praise and attention.

It is very hard to sustain a friendship with someone who is always acting out of insecurity AND who views you as a competitor. Even if it's possible, I'm not sure it's worth it.

Im a pp who posted about my friend doing the same - but mine was the opposite. She would say really terrible things were happening to her to get sympathy and attention.

And also one time she told me she was having a dinner party, but it was some MLM pitch thing. Unforgiveable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask her if she is ok. It sounds like she needs some help. Maybe call her family? The police for a wellness check?

Yeah, definitely don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Either become a good friend and really help her, or let it go. Don't attack her imaginary world unless you have a better real world for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I worry that confronting her will humiliate her! I recently married and I wonder if this lie is somehow connected to that. In our core group, she and I were the last two single ladies and now I am no longer single. I worry that this has affected her more than she has ever let on. I love her dearly and I never want to hurt her feelings, but at our age (50's) I feel it's so crazy to be dealing with something like this. Should I risk embarrassing her and tell her I know she lied or just ignore it and wait for the next lie?

Why don’t you send her flowers so it isn’t a lie. Send them anonymously as a secret admirer

I'm all for gentle kindness, but not feeding into her delusion. How about giving her some honest positive attention, in a generally friendly way or to help her get better at dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I worry that confronting her will humiliate her! I recently married and I wonder if this lie is somehow connected to that. In our core group, she and I were the last two single ladies and now I am no longer single. I worry that this has affected her more than she has ever let on. I love her dearly and I never want to hurt her feelings, but at our age (50's) I feel it's so crazy to be dealing with something like this. Should I risk embarrassing her and tell her I know she lied or just ignore it and wait for the next lie?

Are all the lies related to dating/relationships, or are they about other stuff too?

If it's just about dating, I'd ignore the lies, understanding she is likely feeling insecure and envious on this issue. But I also wouldn't indulge them. I'd temper my reactions to stuff like "I have a secret admirer!" so it's more like "oh that's nice." Then seek to pump her up in other ways -- really celebrate her career victories, praise the meal she made when you came over, tell her how great she looks in her new sweater. Subtly let her know that having a boyfriend/spouse is not the only way for her to have value or get attention, and just ignore the lies until they stop.

But if she lies about all kinds of things, all the time, I'd either say something in the moment about one of her less sensitive lies (like not one related to having a secret admirer, maybe her claiming to have traveled somewhere she hasn't or claiming to know someone she doesn't): "Jessie, I know that's not true. Why are you saying that?" Let her know you know she's lying, give her a chance to correct course. But if she doesn't, I'd distance. Compulsive lying is a really negative trait and the sort of thing that can lead to other problematic behaviors later on (claiming she's sick so you'll do her favors, claiming she's broke so you always pick up the tab). I would not just let that go on without addressing it.

OP, please re-read the post above. It's an intelligent and sensitive take that acknowledges your friend is probably genuinely troubled, which is sad, and advises how to deal with that. Probably the best post I've seen on DCUM in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend texted me last night telling me she had just been sent 100 roses by an admirer. I responded very excited for her! I had never seen a bouquet of 100 roses and asked her to send me a picture, which she did. I noticed the picture looked like a stock photo, so I Googled the image, and sure enough, I was right, it was a stock photo! I don't understand why she lied to me. This is not the first time I have caught her telling me a weird totally unnecessary lie. I did not let her know that I found the picture in Google Images and just let her continue to lie. In the past, she has suffered from depression and I do not want to confront her and possibly trigger her depression, but I do not understand why she feels the need to make up these lies! Did I do the right thing by not mentioning it?

You need a new best friend. Habitual liars don't make dependable or trustworthy friends

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything. She won't come clean.

I have known two compulsive liars. They just add more lies to their stories if you ask or question.

I managed one. She said she was married, no one ever met the person, then suddenly he died. It was all fake. She also falsified time sheets, etc., and lied about it to HR when she was brought in. She was a con artist and had fooled a prior supervisor.

I've also known people who lied a lot though their stories were not as fantastical. If they are called on their lies, they just go silent. Knowing one of them, who is an alcoholic, I understood the notion in AA that someone can get sober "if they have the capacity to be honest" and it struck me that this person never can get sober because she's fundamentally dishonest.

I don't think there is much hope for change wirh liars.