My Best Friend Lied To Me...Again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I worry that confronting her will humiliate her! I recently married and I wonder if this lie is somehow connected to that. In our core group, she and I were the last two single ladies and now I am no longer single. I worry that this has affected her more than she has ever let on. I love her dearly and I never want to hurt her feelings, but at our age (50's) I feel it's so crazy to be dealing with something like this. Should I risk embarrassing her and tell her I know she lied or just ignore it and wait for the next lie?

Are all the lies related to dating/relationships, or are they about other stuff too?

If it's just about dating, I'd ignore the lies, understanding she is likely feeling insecure and envious on this issue. But I also wouldn't indulge them. I'd temper my reactions to stuff like "I have a secret admirer!" so it's more like "oh that's nice." Then seek to pump her up in other ways -- really celebrate her career victories, praise the meal she made when you came over, tell her how great she looks in her new sweater. Subtly let her know that having a boyfriend/spouse is not the only way for her to have value or get attention, and just ignore the lies until they stop.

But if she lies about all kinds of things, all the time, I'd either say something in the moment about one of her less sensitive lies (like not one related to having a secret admirer, maybe her claiming to have traveled somewhere she hasn't or claiming to know someone she doesn't): "Jessie, I know that's not true. Why are you saying that?" Let her know you know she's lying, give her a chance to correct course. But if she doesn't, I'd distance. Compulsive lying is a really negative trait and the sort of thing that can lead to other problematic behaviors later on (claiming she's sick so you'll do her favors, claiming she's broke so you always pick up the tab). I would not just let that go on without addressing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I worry that confronting her will humiliate her! I recently married and I wonder if this lie is somehow connected to that. In our core group, she and I were the last two single ladies and now I am no longer single. I worry that this has affected her more than she has ever let on. I love her dearly and I never want to hurt her feelings, but at our age (50's) I feel it's so crazy to be dealing with something like this. Should I risk embarrassing her and tell her I know she lied or just ignore it and wait for the next lie?

Why don’t you send her flowers so it isn’t a lie. Send them anonymously as a secret admirer

[Anonymous]

How long have you known this person?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be friends with somebody who lied to me like that. I do not feel like I could trust him with anything.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have to be your Best Friend.

[Anonymous]

It is very difficult to stay friends with compulsive liars. Eventually you find out they've been telling fibs about you behind your back too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is her admirer's name George Glass?

ha! well played, Jan.

wasn’t that also mentioned in Bridesmaids? It was a Kristen Wiig character at any rate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, clearly there is mental illness there. You can pity her, and due to lack of trust, distance yourself such that she's not your best friend anymore, but just a friend, or an acquaintance. However I wouldn't put moral judgement on the situation. She obviously cannot control herself if she makes up such an unnecessary lie.

This. She has serious issues and it's sad. Don't call her out on it. No good could come of it. She's already her own worst enemy, and you can't fix her. I would distance myself but not cut her off. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

It tracks that someone who thinks 100 red roses is romantic or a desirable goal would lie. Both are very 7th grade

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this too and due to extended family connections, she will always be in my life so I just carry on. I have no idea what the truth ever is. She just told me her mom has cancer and I honestly don't even think that's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I worry that confronting her will humiliate her! I recently married and I wonder if this lie is somehow connected to that. In our core group, she and I were the last two single ladies and now I am no longer single. I worry that this has affected her more than she has ever let on. I love her dearly and I never want to hurt her feelings, but at our age (50's) I feel it's so crazy to be dealing with something like this. Should I risk embarrassing her and tell her I know she lied or just ignore it and wait for the next lie?

Oh, wow. I was really hoping this was someone really young. 50s? Yikes. That’s incredibly sad. I’m not sure what good comes of mentioning it, at least for this particular lie. I’d just let it go UNLESS she keeps bringing it up or starts to escalate the sorts of lies she’s telling.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend from HS who always said she had CF - mind you she’s 50 and a smoker so… she now claims that her mother has tens of millions of dollars but just chooses to live in a crappy house in a bad neighborhood and allows her autistic grandson to go without services so…. Nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you known this person?

We have been friends since freshman year in college

[Anonymous]

You and your friend have different values. You value honesty, she does not. Ask yourself what are you getting out of this friendship, and if it is still serving you.

I personally would not choose to be friends with a liar and would end the friendship. I would tell her I cannot be friends with dishonest people who I don’t trust.

Just stop contacting her and ignore her attempts at reaching you, if you don’t wish to directly confront her.

[Anonymous]

I had a phase like this when i was 9-10, I made up stories of events I wished were true (that I was going to Boston to meet the NKOTB, lol—if you know, you know). At age 10, I realized how silly it was and stopped on my own.

Your friend never outgrew this phase. I think she needs therapy. I would probably mention it because the momentary embarrassment may help her in the long run. Or you might share that you have an acquaintance (me!) who used to tell tall tales as a child and that she eventually realized that real life is actually very interesting and there are plenty of real stories to share with friends and bond over… I understand if you prefer not to bring it up though. There is always a risk she doesn’t take it well.