SO Wasting time

[Anonymous]

Yeah I agree OP. You shouldn't date him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking you for money? Is she complaining to you about him? Unless the answer to one of these questions is yes, mind your own business.

No and no but I feel she would rather have a ring.

She’s an adult. If she “would rather have a ring,” she can tell him so. Butt out, Helicopter Mom.

[Anonymous]

This is a kind of weird thread, but no, I would not be happy if my DD were really serious about a guy who refused to get engaged or married until after he finished a 7-8 year PhD program because he felt he needed to focus on his research in the interim and have a paying job before he could take a wife due to his family’s cultural expectations.

I’m very respectful of my young adult kids’ independence, but this situation would make me extremely uneasy. My DD is a very serious student in a five year PhD program in the sciences who has a serious boyfriend she’s living with. I expect they’ll be engaged soon, and I think having a working partner is great for a PhD or medical student so long as they are both doing their share. If you love each other, you love each other. Life together begins at the point you realize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not your place to say anything here unless she asks for your advice. Everything you've said here is about what you want for her or how you feel (ex.: I feel she wants a ring).

Stop making up stuff about their relationship, how it's going, and what they are or are not doing. You don't know and you haven't presented one fact.

Well, i know her and all of us live in same town so see each other regularly.

Regardless of how often you see each other or how well you know each other, it is still not your place to say anything unless she asks for your opinion. It is her life, not yours. Let her make her own choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not your place to say anything here unless she asks for your advice. Everything you've said here is about what you want for her or how you feel (ex.: I feel she wants a ring).

Stop making up stuff about their relationship, how it's going, and what they are or are not doing. You don't know and you haven't presented one fact.

Well, i know her and all of us live in same town so see each other regularly.

Regardless of how often you see each other or how well you know each other, it is still not your place to say anything unless she asks for your opinion. It is her life, not yours. Let her make her own choices

That's what I've been doing so far, hence the original post asking about appropriateness of saying something. Only thinking of saying something now as she is about to give up her state, condo, family, friends, current office, colleagues, gym, PCP, dentist, hairdresser and a whole lot more to move for his research and degree. All that without a proper commitment. Love is priceless but she may end up paying a huge price for love. For starters, they are moving from to a state with higher state income tax, higher property tax, higher housing prices, high cost of living etc.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, people don't defer marriage during the PhD years. Many have kids during those years and it works out fine. Doing a PhD is like having a very flexible mostly remote job where you set your own deadlines, but get paid poorly. As long as one spouse is bringing in hhi, that can be a great setup.

You're right to wonder and worry because waiting until after grad school isn't a thing, and sounds like an excuse to avoid commitment. I suspect the people criticizing you on this thread don't know much about the academic lifestyle. If the problem really is that the boy's parents are old fashioned about gender roles, that's it's own red flag. You should definitely let your dd know of your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Wait, the boy’s parents are old fashioned, but they are going to live together? Who is paying the rent in this more expensive place? Does your DD have a job? In any case, it isn’t your job to tell your daughter what to do. I think you can ask her how she feels about moving away and if she agrees to the marriage timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither us nor her worry about his earnings, she has a great income, investments and a decent size inheritance as her safety cushion.

Child forever, she will never mature into an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither us nor her worry about his earnings, she has a great income, investments and a decent size inheritance as her safety cushion.

Maybe that is why he is keeping her around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither us nor her worry about his earnings, she has a great income, investments and a decent size inheritance as her safety cushion.

Maybe that is why he is keeping her around.

That much, i can tell. He is a decent person from a decent family, not a greedy moocher.

[Anonymous]

*though probably one of the reason for their relationship working as he doesn't have to support her, most women need or expect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither us nor her worry about his earnings, she has a great income, investments and a decent size inheritance as her safety cushion.

Child forever, she will never mature into an adult.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks it sounds perfectly fine? She may enjoy living in the college town. They can travel between semesters or quarters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His parents are great but influenced by their east European patriarchal culture of men being primary breadwinners.

Well I think this can matter

Do his parents expect he will marry within their community? Is there somewhat of an arranged marriage culture? If either of these things would be true and given that he is willing to hold off on marriage for so long, I think your DD needs to consider that she might be ok for right now and dating but her BF may never seriously consider marrying her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you saved the cultural, important point for later in your post.

My Brother married during college. Both finished college. He went on to graduate Law School. They waited till 10 years later to start a family.

There are plenty of ways to live your life.