SO Wasting time

[Anonymous]

His parents are great but influenced by their east European patriarchal culture of men being primary breadwinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married my DH at 24 and he was in a PhD program that didn't end until he was 29. I was done with grad school and worked. It was fine. I would not have been fine waiting until he finished to get married as those are prime years for dating and meeting your life partner. If he's into her, they could get engaged/married now. Zero reason to wait, unless he's "just not that into her." Only one data point, but you asked the question so there you go.

He truly adores her but no way to know if he'll be in 10 years with no commitment in today's flaky environment.

[Anonymous]

It is not your place to say anything here unless she asks for your advice. Everything you've said here is about what you want for her or how you feel (ex.: I feel she wants a ring).

Stop making up stuff about their relationship, how it's going, and what they are or are not doing. You don't know and you haven't presented one fact.

[Anonymous]

I have friends with MD/PhD degrees who met their spouses in their 20s. They are now in their 40s and doing just fine. Have kids, are doing well financially. The financial payoff is delayed the way it is for regular MDs, but my MD/PhD friends are raking in a lot now.

Being in school doesn't need to be different time-wise than having a SO with a job, minus the finances part (which is real). I met my husband when I was getting my PhD in my 20s. In retrospect, I am busier now than I was when I was in school then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not your place to say anything here unless she asks for your advice. Everything you've said here is about what you want for her or how you feel (ex.: I feel she wants a ring).

Stop making up stuff about their relationship, how it's going, and what they are or are not doing. You don't know and you haven't presented one fact.

Well, i know her and all of us live in same town so see each other regularly.

[Anonymous]

Finance doesn't seem to be an issue here with one spouse earning well though being able to give time and share responsibility does. However, lots of people do it even with financial issues so clearly its manageable, more so since both are young and there is no rush to immediately have children.

[Anonymous]

Pausing life for 10 years seems extreme. Life is too short for that.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people get married in graduate school.

It makes sense to wait to have children until he has a real job though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of people get married in graduate school.

It makes sense to wait to have children until he has a real job though.

100% IUD in place, focus on her career, his degree and enjoying life together not pausing it.

[Anonymous]

Most of my male AND female physician friends had their kids during residency and they are happy they did instead of postponing it for another 5 years but they had helpful spouses and parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His parents think he should be properly employed before making a commitment. That is old fashioned too because if wife is well-employed then why does it matter? Men support their wives all the time and there is more to a couple than who pays the bills.

Sounds like he is influenced by his parents. He was brought up thinking a man should be properly employed before he is to get married. Sometimes hard to change beliefs you’ve had all throughout your life. Especially if his parents maybe are still telling him he needs to have a proper job before marriage?

How old are they - your daughter and husband that is?

[Anonymous]

Almost 25, same age.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your original post and your repeated replies…you sound INSANE. You need to hover your helicopter at at least 4x its current altitude - this is not for you to orchestrate.

Also, based on how you’ve come across here I feel pretty darn confident assuming you’ve either said something directly or “hinted at” (with no subtlety) re: how you feel…she knows. Again; this isn’t your job. If you want to be helpful, focus on chilling the eff out and reframing yourself as a supportive, listening ear for things SHE wants to discuss. Not for things you are presuming she feels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your original post and your repeated replies…you sound INSANE. You need to hover your helicopter at at least 4x its current altitude - this is not for you to orchestrate.

Also, based on how you’ve come across here I feel pretty darn confident assuming you’ve either said something directly or “hinted at” (with no subtlety) re: how you feel…she knows. Again; this isn’t your job. If you want to be helpful, focus on chilling the eff out and reframing yourself as a supportive, listening ear for things SHE wants to discuss. Not for things you are presuming she feels

Did this topic trigger some bad memories?

[Anonymous]

To be fair, "focus on chilling the eff out and reframing yourself as a supportive, listening ear for things" is always a good general advice for moms of women AND men, young or old.