Women use affairs for trading up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

If all these things are true, it’s not a very effective mate-switching strategy by the women.

That's exactly what the article concluded. It is likely to cause more harm to the woman, blow up her current marriage and emotionally wreck her. It's almost always unsuccessful. The guy in the situation wins out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

If all these things are true, it’s not a very effective mate-switching strategy by the women.

That's exactly what the article concluded. It is likely to cause more harm to the woman, blow up her current marriage and emotionally wreck her. It's almost always unsuccessful. The guy in the situation wins out.

They do it often because they can't support themselves or don't want to work. They can't leave their current marriage until they have another sucker in line to support them. That's why they don't just divorce and go out looking for exit affairs instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much wasted research money. Women and men have affairs to feel wanted, alive, heard/listened to, to feel like their short life truly matters to someone. Usually, they don’t feel this way at home, OR, something is wrong with them and they refuse to believe they matter to their mate, who is probably also struggling with similar questions while juggling a million modern adult obligations. So, when a cute coworker or friend starts paying attention, it’s a slippery, slippery slope…

So, so slippery. Mmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

If all these things are true, it’s not a very effective mate-switching strategy by the women.

That's exactly what the article concluded. It is likely to cause more harm to the woman, blow up her current marriage and emotionally wreck her. It's almost always unsuccessful. The guy in the situation wins out.

They do it often because they can't support themselves or don't want to work. They can't leave their current marriage until they have another sucker in line to support them. That's why they don't just divorce and go out looking for exit affairs instead.

This lines up with the posts in the other thread about remarriage which says that women who have good careers and/or family money often are in zero rush to remarry while the others are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much wasted research money. Women and men have affairs to feel wanted, alive, heard/listened to, to feel like their short life truly matters to someone. Usually, they don’t feel this way at home, OR, something is wrong with them and they refuse to believe they matter to their mate, who is probably also struggling with similar questions while juggling a million modern adult obligations. So, when a cute coworker or friend starts paying attention, it’s a slippery, slippery slope…

But studies over many years do show a difference between the sexes when it comes to cheating. Women are much, MUCH more likely to be doing it with hopes of an exit affair. Only 30% respond that their marriages are happy or that they are in love with their husbands. While men, it's the opposite. Over 65% surveyed responded that they were 'very happy' in their marriages. Men use it to boost their esteem midlife or variety sex they think nobody will find out about after 20+ years with the same woman. They aren't looking to leave. And they often affair down.

As a woman, I think this is only partially true. I think it’s not that women necessarily seek out affairs because they’re actively unhappy, but once they are tempted and engaged in an affair, they’re more likely to rationalize their actions by saying they were not happy in their marriage.

I think affairs are more about connection for women and more about sex for men, so it makes sense that more men having them would be fine with their marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.

PP can you link to these stories? I can't recall seeing any. I mean, obviously I know it happens, but I think for every married male who leaves for his affair partner, there are dozens of sad mistresses wishing it would happen for them too.

I would say, to crudely generalize and stick to hetero gender norms (which a lot of our biology dictates), men generally want the affair AND the marriage, and women want a better provider/partner. I do recall reading a lot of stories where an affair has two married partners, and the woman leaves her husband and the man stays with his wife. And she's always saying, "Why isn't he leaving? He says he's just as unhappy as I was." Good luck with that, honey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.

PP can you link to these stories? I can't recall seeing any. I mean, obviously I know it happens, but I think for every married male who leaves for his affair partner, there are dozens of sad mistresses wishing it would happen for them too.

I would say, to crudely generalize and stick to hetero gender norms (which a lot of our biology dictates), men generally want the affair AND the marriage, and women want a better provider/partner. I do recall reading a lot of stories where an affair has two married partners, and the woman leaves her husband and the man stays with his wife. And she's always saying, "Why isn't he leaving? He says he's just as unhappy as I was." Good luck with that, honey.

It’s what the article says. Men are happy in their marriages, as happy as men that don’t cheat. They never planned to leave or get caught. Just we’re having their cake and eating it too. A lot of women will claim it’s no-strings at the start even when they are definitely truly looking for an exit. Men will then lead them on by kicking the cam down the road and alluding to one day when the kids are older just to keep having the no-strings sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.

PP can you link to these stories? I can't recall seeing any. I mean, obviously I know it happens, but I think for every married male who leaves for his affair partner, there are dozens of sad mistresses wishing it would happen for them too.

I would say, to crudely generalize and stick to hetero gender norms (which a lot of our biology dictates), men generally want the affair AND the marriage, and women want a better provider/partner. I do recall reading a lot of stories where an affair has two married partners, and the woman leaves her husband and the man stays with his wife. And she's always saying, "Why isn't he leaving? He says he's just as unhappy as I was." Good luck with that, honey.

That person stated that 99% of the time he's begging his wife to let him stay...not the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.

PP can you link to these stories? I can't recall seeing any. I mean, obviously I know it happens, but I think for every married male who leaves for his affair partner, there are dozens of sad mistresses wishing it would happen for them too.

I would say, to crudely generalize and stick to hetero gender norms (which a lot of our biology dictates), men generally want the affair AND the marriage, and women want a better provider/partner. I do recall reading a lot of stories where an affair has two married partners, and the woman leaves her husband and the man stays with his wife. And she's always saying, "Why isn't he leaving? He says he's just as unhappy as I was." Good luck with that, honey.

That person stated that 99% of the time he's begging his wife to let him stay...not the AP.

Makes sense if he’d want to stay with his faithful wife and not a cheating AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.

PP can you link to these stories? I can't recall seeing any. I mean, obviously I know it happens, but I think for every married male who leaves for his affair partner, there are dozens of sad mistresses wishing it would happen for them too.

I would say, to crudely generalize and stick to hetero gender norms (which a lot of our biology dictates), men generally want the affair AND the marriage, and women want a better provider/partner. I do recall reading a lot of stories where an affair has two married partners, and the woman leaves her husband and the man stays with his wife. And she's always saying, "Why isn't he leaving? He says he's just as unhappy as I was." Good luck with that, honey.

That person stated that 99% of the time he's begging his wife to let him stay...not the AP.

Makes sense if he’d want to stay with his faithful wife and not a cheating AP.

Yeah. You would wonder every time you left for work if another guy was coming over like you used to. Lol. There are the type of women you marry and women you use just for sex.

[Anonymous]

gold diggers make the best & easiest APs

[Anonymous]

I can’t even imagine having “just a friend” who is a rival to my husband.
That seems sort of like my kid imagining that I want to play banana tag with some other kids in the neighborhood. I don’t.
I want to play banana tag with my kids because I love them and I know that it’s a big deal to them. But really, I barely want to do that. I have absolutely no desire to seek out other children to play banana tag with.
Same thing for my husband and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

If all these things are true, it’s not a very effective mate-switching strategy by the women.

That's exactly what the article concluded. It is likely to cause more harm to the woman, blow up her current marriage and emotionally wreck her. It's almost always unsuccessful. The guy in the situation wins out.

They do it often because they can't support themselves or don't want to work. They can't leave their current marriage until they have another sucker in line to support them. That's why they don't just divorce and go out looking for exit affairs instead.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much wasted research money. Women and men have affairs to feel wanted, alive, heard/listened to, to feel like their short life truly matters to someone. Usually, they don’t feel this way at home, OR, something is wrong with them and they refuse to believe they matter to their mate, who is probably also struggling with similar questions while juggling a million modern adult obligations. So, when a cute coworker or friend starts paying attention, it’s a slippery, slippery slope…

But studies over many years do show a difference between the sexes when it comes to cheating. Women are much, MUCH more likely to be doing it with hopes of an exit affair. Only 30% respond that their marriages are happy or that they are in love with their husbands. While men, it's the opposite. Over 65% surveyed responded that they were 'very happy' in their marriages. Men use it to boost their esteem midlife or variety sex they think nobody will find out about after 20+ years with the same woman. They aren't looking to leave. And they often affair down.

When a woman has an affair, the marriage is over. Men know how much easier it is for a woman to find sex, so an affair is an opportunity to verify they are attractive to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s who I hang out with but in my real life I cannot cite a single example of a woman “trading up” after divorce or even finding a more appealing partner.

Yup. New person, same issues.