Women use affairs for trading up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how useful general statistics are when it comes to individual situations. My little brother is in deep with his affair partner who is happy in her marriage and loves her spouse. I’m not cool with cheating, but given he’s being more than fair to my SIL in their divorce plus the woman he loves isn’t leaving her husband, I haven’t laid into him as much as I’ve been tempted. He already seems to be getting his just desserts.

Is your brother still in the affair? It’s written in present tense but presumably the AP’s husband would not like this?

Yes, he’s still in the affair (on his end). AP is in an open marriage.

Your brother needs his head examined. Gross.

I don’t disagree, but that’s irrelevant to this thread. Point is, his AP’s not trying to “trade up” even though he makes more money than her husband and would be more than happy to marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how useful general statistics are when it comes to individual situations. My little brother is in deep with his affair partner who is happy in her marriage and loves her spouse. I’m not cool with cheating, but given he’s being more than fair to my SIL in their divorce plus the woman he loves isn’t leaving her husband, I haven’t laid into him as much as I’ve been tempted. He already seems to be getting his just desserts.

Is your brother still in the affair? It’s written in present tense but presumably the AP’s husband would not like this?

Yes, he’s still in the affair (on his end). AP is in an open marriage.

Your brother needs his head examined. Gross.

I don’t disagree, but that’s irrelevant to this thread. Point is, his AP’s not trying to “trade up” even though he makes more money than her husband and would be more than happy to marry her.

Anomaly and weird, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Title of thread should read: Women use affairs to TRY and trade up.

Correct. It rarely ever works out for them.

"Women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure.

They have a 2% chance. Risking blowing up their lives for 2%.

Also eye-opening:

Men who have affairs don't differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness.

This blows people's minds when men say they love their wives and marriages...yet cheat. But, studies show it is not only likely, but most of the time.

Also, the other reason why the rates aren’t different is that a lot of miserable people don’t cheat for whatever reason—lack of opportunity, religion, too much to lose financially, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Title of thread should read: Women use affairs to TRY and trade up.

Correct. It rarely ever works out for them.

"Women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure.

They have a 2% chance. Risking blowing up their lives for 2%.

Also eye-opening:

Men who have affairs don't differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness.

This blows people's minds when men say they love their wives and marriages...yet cheat. But, studies show it is not only likely, but most of the time.

Also, the other reason why the rates aren’t different is that a lot of miserable people don’t cheat for whatever reason—lack of opportunity, religion, too much to lose financially, etc.

+1

The emasculated dude whose wife does the driving - I just can't.

[Anonymous]

Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

[Anonymous]

The last few posts is why things often end so badly. The one is planning the future and the other is planning what lies to tell to keep the side sex going w/out messing with real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single one of my friends who has been divorced (many at my age!) are looking or have looked to "marry up". It is no mystery.

I am not saying it is the right or smart thing to do, nor am I saying that they don't walk into worse problems (including their new DH's kids, some grown, but still problematic!)

I think sometimes women see dollar signs, and we as women, are not supposed to talk about it, but it is common for some women to just be about the money. Read some of the posts here. If I were a guy, I would be extremely careful who I married.

How old are you? I am a divorced woman and don't know any of us like that Zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The last few posts is why things often end so badly. The one is planning the future and the other is planning what lies to tell to keep the side sex going w/out messing with real life.

+ 1 And really, although women get to claim the relative moral high ground by being more caring, relationship- centered and romantic- they are both just doing/feeling what comes naturally to them. Women really need to watch their tendency to actively choose victimhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The last few posts is why things often end so badly. The one is planning the future and the other is planning what lies to tell to keep the side sex going w/out messing with real life.

+ 1 And really, although women get to claim the relative moral high ground by being more caring, relationship- centered and romantic- they are both just doing/feeling what comes naturally to them. Women really need to watch their tendency to actively choose victimhood.

But a lot of these women are married too so they have no moral high ground. They are cheating too- since it’s not just sex for them they think that makes them better than the partner using them for it? Nah- they are liars and betrayers too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival."

"Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations."

https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity

Directly from the article cited above:

A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function.

That’s ^ what I’ve seen IRL.

If all these things are true, it’s not a very effective mate-switching strategy by the women.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s who I hang out with but in my real life I cannot cite a single example of a woman “trading up” after divorce or even finding a more appealing partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only difference is men consider affairs a side hustle and women an exit strategy.

Yep. Pump and dump is the man AP’s strategy.

Yet this forum is full of sad stories about DHs who left for the AP. This is especially common when the DH is middle aged and the AP is younger and beautiful.

99% of those stories, the guy hasn't left. He's begging to stay.